SNL Transcripts: Tom Brady: 04/16/05: TV Funhouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

TV Funhouse

Written by: Rob Smigel

Frank…..Fred Armisen
Greg…..Tom Brady
Lisa…..Amy Poehler
Tina…..Tina Fey

[ bumper of Tom Brady is ripped apart by a cartoon dog, who is in turned chased by a cartoon Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Come back here with my show!

[ dissolve to “General Electric Films” logo ]

Announcer: General Electric Films presents.. “Sexual Harassment and You”, a handy guide to workplace etiquette.

[ dissolve to old-time video footage of three men standing around an office ]

Announcer: Back in the old days, a workplace was a man’s domain.

[ the man in the middle dissolves into a woman ]

Announcer: Today, life is not as simple.

[ show various women working around the office ]

Announcer: Businesses are filled with working women, with corresponding breasts and vaginas.

[ show Frank looking about the room with an uneasy look on his face ]

Announcer: As a man, you want to have sex with all of them. [ Frank’s gaze even falls upon an older-looking woman ] But approaching a woman at work should be done with extreme caution.. [ various women cross in front of Frank’s desk from both sides ] avoid a sexual harassment lawsuit.

[ Music sting, as a piece of paper marked “Lawsuit” is held before the camera ] [ cut to Lisa’s desk, as Frank cautiously approaches from the rear ]

Announcer: Here’s the wrong way to approach a female co-worker.

Frank: [ showing his nervous enthusiasm ] Hey, Lisa! You look pretty hot today. Maybe we should have lunch sometime.

[ Lisa is silent, perhaps caught off guard, but, after a beat, picks up her phone and dials an authority figure ]

Announcer: Uh-oh! That didn’t go over well.

[ Frank is petrified at Lisa’s response, as he envisions the piece of paper marked “Lawsuit” being held before him ]

Announcer: Hello, Lawsuit.

[ cut to the same scene as before, only now with the confident and assured Greg approaching Lisa ]

Announcer: Now, here’s the right way:

Greg: Hey, Lisa. You look pretty hot today. Maybe we should have lunch sometime.

Lisa: [ caught off guard, but pleased ] Oh. Well, great.

Greg: How about tomorrow?

Lisa: Okay!

Greg: Great! See you then! [ squeezes Lisa’s left breast before he exits ]

Announcer: Well done! Okay, let’s review.

[ show close-up of nervous Frank making his pitch ]

Announcer: Frank was awkward, and a little too pushy.

[ dissolve to close-up of confident Frank making his pitch ]

Announcer: Greg was handsome.

[ cut to Frank staring at Tina from a distance ]

Announcer: Let’s see if Frank can do better with another co-worker.

[ Greg approaches more cautiously than before, keeping a distance of about five feet behind Tina ]

Greg: Hi.

[ Tina turns to look, rebuffing at the sight of Greg, then picks up the phone to dial security ]

Announcer: The eye contact makes her uncomfortable, and authorities are contacted.

[ a security guard arrives at the scene and hauls Greg away ]

Announcer: Here’s what he should have done:

[ scene wipes back to its start, with Greg approaching Tina while not wearing pants. Sensitive to Greg’s presence, she turns around and smiles. ]

Tina: Hey, Greg! Want to have lunch sometime?

Greg: Sure! How about tomorrow?

Tina: Okay. Here’s my home number. [ hands her number to Greg ]

Greg: Great! [ deposits Tina’s number in the bulge of his underwear, then exits ]

Announcer: See? It can be done. You can have sex with women at work without losing your job, by following a few simple rules:

[ the rules are displayed on-screen with accompanying check marks ]

Be Handsome..

Be Attractive..

and Don’t Be Unattractive.

[ dissolve to Frank, Greg, Lisa and Tina waving to the camera ] [ dissolve to end card: “Sexual Harassment and You, The End” ] [ fade to credits ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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