SNL Transcripts: Tom Brady: 04/16/05: TV Funhouse

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

TV Funhouse

Written by: Rob Smigel

Frank…..Fred Armisen
Greg…..Tom Brady
Lisa…..Amy Poehler
Tina…..Tina Fey

[ bumper of Tom Brady is ripped apart by a cartoon dog, who is in turned chased by a cartoon Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Come back here with my show!

[ dissolve to “General Electric Films” logo ]

Announcer: General Electric Films presents.. “Sexual Harassment and You”, a handy guide to workplace etiquette.

[ dissolve to old-time video footage of three men standing around an office ]

Announcer: Back in the old days, a workplace was a man’s domain.

[ the man in the middle dissolves into a woman ]

Announcer: Today, life is not as simple.

[ show various women working around the office ]

Announcer: Businesses are filled with working women, with corresponding breasts and vaginas.

[ show Frank looking about the room with an uneasy look on his face ]

Announcer: As a man, you want to have sex with all of them. [ Frank’s gaze even falls upon an older-looking woman ] But approaching a woman at work should be done with extreme caution.. [ various women cross in front of Frank’s desk from both sides ] avoid a sexual harassment lawsuit.

[ Music sting, as a piece of paper marked “Lawsuit” is held before the camera ] [ cut to Lisa’s desk, as Frank cautiously approaches from the rear ]

Announcer: Here’s the wrong way to approach a female co-worker.

Frank: [ showing his nervous enthusiasm ] Hey, Lisa! You look pretty hot today. Maybe we should have lunch sometime.

[ Lisa is silent, perhaps caught off guard, but, after a beat, picks up her phone and dials an authority figure ]

Announcer: Uh-oh! That didn’t go over well.

[ Frank is petrified at Lisa’s response, as he envisions the piece of paper marked “Lawsuit” being held before him ]

Announcer: Hello, Lawsuit.

[ cut to the same scene as before, only now with the confident and assured Greg approaching Lisa ]

Announcer: Now, here’s the right way:

Greg: Hey, Lisa. You look pretty hot today. Maybe we should have lunch sometime.

Lisa: [ caught off guard, but pleased ] Oh. Well, great.

Greg: How about tomorrow?

Lisa: Okay!

Greg: Great! See you then! [ squeezes Lisa’s left breast before he exits ]

Announcer: Well done! Okay, let’s review.

[ show close-up of nervous Frank making his pitch ]

Announcer: Frank was awkward, and a little too pushy.

[ dissolve to close-up of confident Frank making his pitch ]

Announcer: Greg was handsome.

[ cut to Frank staring at Tina from a distance ]

Announcer: Let’s see if Frank can do better with another co-worker.

[ Greg approaches more cautiously than before, keeping a distance of about five feet behind Tina ]

Greg: Hi.

[ Tina turns to look, rebuffing at the sight of Greg, then picks up the phone to dial security ]

Announcer: The eye contact makes her uncomfortable, and authorities are contacted.

[ a security guard arrives at the scene and hauls Greg away ]

Announcer: Here’s what he should have done:

[ scene wipes back to its start, with Greg approaching Tina while not wearing pants. Sensitive to Greg’s presence, she turns around and smiles. ]

Tina: Hey, Greg! Want to have lunch sometime?

Greg: Sure! How about tomorrow?

Tina: Okay. Here’s my home number. [ hands her number to Greg ]

Greg: Great! [ deposits Tina’s number in the bulge of his underwear, then exits ]

Announcer: See? It can be done. You can have sex with women at work without losing your job, by following a few simple rules:

[ the rules are displayed on-screen with accompanying check marks ]

Be Handsome..

Be Attractive..

and Don’t Be Unattractive.

[ dissolve to Frank, Greg, Lisa and Tina waving to the camera ] [ dissolve to end card: “Sexual Harassment and You, The End” ] [ fade to credits ]

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