Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 17
Written by: Rob Smigel
[ bumper of Tom Brady is ripped apart by a cartoon dog, who is in turned chased by a cartoon Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Come back here with my show![ dissolve to “General Electric Films” logo ]
Announcer: General Electric Films presents.. “Sexual Harassment and You”, a handy guide to workplace etiquette.[ dissolve to old-time video footage of three men standing around an office ]
Announcer: Back in the old days, a workplace was a man’s domain.
Announcer: Today, life is not as simple.[ show various women working around the office ]
Announcer: Businesses are filled with working women, with corresponding breasts and vaginas.[ show Frank looking about the room with an uneasy look on his face ]
Announcer: As a man, you want to have sex with all of them. [ Frank’s gaze even falls upon an older-looking woman ] But approaching a woman at work should be done with extreme caution.. [ various women cross in front of Frank’s desk from both sides ] ..to avoid a sexual harassment lawsuit.[ Music sting, as a piece of paper marked “Lawsuit” is held before the camera ] [ cut to Lisa’s desk, as Frank cautiously approaches from the rear ]
Announcer: Here’s the wrong way to approach a female co-worker.
Frank: [ showing his nervous enthusiasm ] Hey, Lisa! You look pretty hot today. Maybe we should have lunch sometime.[ Lisa is silent, perhaps caught off guard, but, after a beat, picks up her phone and dials an authority figure ]
Announcer: Uh-oh! That didn’t go over well.
Announcer: Hello, Lawsuit.[ cut to the same scene as before, only now with the confident and assured Greg approaching Lisa ]
Announcer: Now, here’s the right way:
Greg: Hey, Lisa. You look pretty hot today. Maybe we should have lunch sometime.
Lisa: [ caught off guard, but pleased ] Oh. Well, great.
Greg: How about tomorrow?
Greg: Great! See you then! [ squeezes Lisa’s left breast before he exits ]
Announcer: Well done! Okay, let’s review.[ show close-up of nervous Frank making his pitch ]
Announcer: Frank was awkward, and a little too pushy.[ dissolve to close-up of confident Frank making his pitch ]
Announcer: Greg was handsome.[ cut to Frank staring at Tina from a distance ]
Announcer: Let’s see if Frank can do better with another co-worker.[ Greg approaches more cautiously than before, keeping a distance of about five feet behind Tina ]
Announcer: The eye contact makes her uncomfortable, and authorities are contacted.[ a security guard arrives at the scene and hauls Greg away ]
Announcer: Here’s what he should have done:[ scene wipes back to its start, with Greg approaching Tina while not wearing pants. Sensitive to Greg’s presence, she turns around and smiles. ]
Tina: Hey, Greg! Want to have lunch sometime?
Greg: Sure! How about tomorrow?
Tina: Okay. Here’s my home number. [ hands her number to Greg ]
Greg: Great! [ deposits Tina’s number in the bulge of his underwear, then exits ]
Announcer: See? It can be done. You can have sex with women at work without losing your job, by following a few simple rules:
and Don’t Be Unattractive.[ dissolve to Frank, Greg, Lisa and Tina waving to the camera ] [ dissolve to end card: “Sexual Harassment and You, The End” ] [ fade to credits ]