SNL Transcripts: Tom Brady: 04/16/05: Touchdown

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck


Written by: Joe Kelly & Jason Sudeikis

Alan….Tom Brady
Kurt….Rob Riggle
Alan’s Wife….Maya Rudolph
Kurt’s Wife….Rachel Dratch
Earl….Will Forte
Carnie….Chris Parnell
Gay guy 1….Seth Meyers
Gay Guy 2….Fred Armisen
Old lady in a wheelchair….Amy Poehler

[Opens with a carnival. Cut to 2 couples hanging together at the carnival. Alan is eating cake. Kurt’s wife is pregnant.]

Alan’s Wife: This is going to be fun, isn’t it?

Kurt: Heck yeah! Carnivals are great! What do you say Alan?

Alan: Hey, if I’m eating funnel cake, you know I’m having fun.

Kurt’s Wife: What do you guys want to do first?

Alan: I’m getting my ass another funnel cake.

Alan’s Wife: Sweetie, pace yourself. Let’s go on a couple of rides first like the screaming barrels!

Kurt: Yeah! That’s awesome!

Kurt’s Wife: Oh, I can’t. Remember? [shows her pregnant belly]

Kurt: Oh, yeah. The damn baby.

Kurt’s Wife: Well, you guys go ahead. Its ok.

Alan’s Wife: No, no, no. Let’s do something together.

Alan: Let’s get funnel cakes.

Alan’s Wife: Alan, seriously. Chill out.

Kurt: Hey, I know. Let’s play some of this games.

Alan’s Wife: Yeah, that would be fun!

[The two couples walk towards Earl. He is in charge of a game of scoring a football through a hole on a board. The board is decorated with football players. The balls are placed in front of Earl. The prize for scoring are pink bears. They are hanging behind Earl.]

Earl: Step right up! Make a touchdown, win a bear! Only $5 a throw.

Kurt’s Wife: Oh, sweetie. Will you win me a bear, please?

Kurt: Sure, sure. I’ll take one of those cause that is all I’m gonna need. Ah,haha. [pays Earl, picks football up] [Kurt throws and scores through the hole]

Earl: Touchdown!

Kurt: Yeah! Whoo!

Alan: Man!

[Earl gives Kurt a big pink bear. Kurt gives it to his wife]

Kurt: There you go, sweetie.

Alan’s Wife: Oh, I want a bear.

Alan: All right. Coming right up.[pays up, grabs football] I’ll take one of those. And if you don’t mind I’ll throw from the men’s tees.[walks farther back to throw]

Kurt: Ooh.

[Alan throws and misses the hole]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Darn it!

Kurt: Hey, hey. No biggie, chief. Just shake it off.

Alan: All right. Here’s another five.[pays Earl, grabs football. Throws from closer]

Alan’s Wife: Oh, you can do it, honey. Come on.

[Alan throws and misses the hole]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Are you kidding me?!

Kurt’s Wife: My turn, my turn!

[Kurt’s wife pregnant and all steps up and throws the football underhand in a girlie, non athletic, dorky way and scores.]

Earl: Touchdown!

[They all laugh except Alan. Kurt’s wife gets another pink bear]

Kurt: That was awesome!

Alan’s Wife: This is a hoot! Let me try.[steps up and picks football]

Alan: Careful, honey. Its a lot harder than it looks.

[Alan’s wife throws and scores]

Alan’s Wife: Ok. Oh, hells yeah!

Earl: Touchdown!

Kurt: What a shot!

Alan’s Wife: Ug! That’s how you do it! Ah, give me that bear!

[Earl gives Alan’s wife her pink bear]

Alan: All right. Here’s $15 dollars. Give me 3 balls. [pays] [Alan throws the football, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Far from a touchdown!

Alan: Dang it!

Kurt: Hey, hey, hey. No big deal, all right?

Kurt’s Wife: Yeah, why don’t we just go do something else?

Alan’s Wife: Yeah, Alan. You can have my bear.

Alan: I don’t want your damn bear! I want my own bear.

Kurt: Hey, hey. Its just a game, right?

Alan:[menacingly] Back off, Kurt.

Earl: Step right up! Throw a touchdown, win a bear!

[Two gay guys step up to Earl]

Gay Guy 2: So, what’s this? What is this?

Gay Guy 1: This is football, silly.

Gay Guy 2: What do I do here?

Gay Guy 1: You throw that in there and win me a bear.

Gay Guy 2: I want a bear too.

Gay Guy 1: Ok, lets do it together,

Gay Guy 2: Ok.

[Both gay guys throw their respective footballs and both score. They jump up and down very happy]

Gay Guy 1 & 2: Yay!

Earl: Touchdown!

[Earl gives them each a pink bear]

Gay Guy 1: That was the easiest thing ever![leaves] [An old lady in a motorized wheelchair steps up to Earl]

Old Lady: Hey! Whoo! Hey, Earl. One please. Ok.

[Old lady throws the football like a hook shot without even looking, she scores] [Earl gives her the pink bear but she takes off]

Old Lady: Whoo! Keep it.

Alan: Here’s 100 bucks! Keep ’em coming. [pays, footballs are lined up in front of him]

Alan’s Wife: Alan, Alan, this is getting really expensive!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Damn!

Alan’s Wife: Honey, why don’t we get some funnel cake?

Alan: No funnel cakes! Bear!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Unbelievable!

Kurt’s Wife: Hey, hey, um, maybe you should try it, like, underhand?

Alan: Maybe you should shut up!

Kurt: Hey, hey, hey.

Earl: Not a cool move.

Alan: You stay out of it!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Stop saying that!

Earl: Stop missing.

Alan: Say one more thing and the next one’s coming at your head!

Earl: I could not be less worried.

Alan: All right. That’s it.

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not even close!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not even close!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Worse than the previous two!

Alan: I can’t hit anything!

[Alan turns to another game and throws the football knocking down some pins]

Carnie: Haaaa!! We have a winner! The gentleman gets himself a pretty new doll.

[Carnie gives Alan a little doll]

Alan’s Wife: Hey, look at that.

Kurt’s Wife: Hey, there you go.

Alan: Damn right! None of you won a doll! I won a doll.

Alan’s Wife: Yes you did, baby. Now, let’s go get some funnel cake.

Alan: Make it two. One for me and one for Miss Penelope here.

[The foursome walk away] [Cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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