SNL Transcripts: Tom Brady: 04/16/05: Touchdown


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck


Written by: Joe Kelly & Jason Sudeikis

Alan….Tom Brady
Kurt….Rob Riggle
Alan’s Wife….Maya Rudolph
Kurt’s Wife….Rachel Dratch
Earl….Will Forte
Carnie….Chris Parnell
Gay guy 1….Seth Meyers
Gay Guy 2….Fred Armisen
Old lady in a wheelchair….Amy Poehler

[Opens with a carnival. Cut to 2 couples hanging together at the carnival. Alan is eating cake. Kurt’s wife is pregnant.]

Alan’s Wife: This is going to be fun, isn’t it?

Kurt: Heck yeah! Carnivals are great! What do you say Alan?

Alan: Hey, if I’m eating funnel cake, you know I’m having fun.

Kurt’s Wife: What do you guys want to do first?

Alan: I’m getting my ass another funnel cake.

Alan’s Wife: Sweetie, pace yourself. Let’s go on a couple of rides first like the screaming barrels!

Kurt: Yeah! That’s awesome!

Kurt’s Wife: Oh, I can’t. Remember? [shows her pregnant belly]

Kurt: Oh, yeah. The damn baby.

Kurt’s Wife: Well, you guys go ahead. Its ok.

Alan’s Wife: No, no, no. Let’s do something together.

Alan: Let’s get funnel cakes.

Alan’s Wife: Alan, seriously. Chill out.

Kurt: Hey, I know. Let’s play some of this games.

Alan’s Wife: Yeah, that would be fun!

[The two couples walk towards Earl. He is in charge of a game of scoring a football through a hole on a board. The board is decorated with football players. The balls are placed in front of Earl. The prize for scoring are pink bears. They are hanging behind Earl.]

Earl: Step right up! Make a touchdown, win a bear! Only $5 a throw.

Kurt’s Wife: Oh, sweetie. Will you win me a bear, please?

Kurt: Sure, sure. I’ll take one of those cause that is all I’m gonna need. Ah,haha. [pays Earl, picks football up] [Kurt throws and scores through the hole]

Earl: Touchdown!

Kurt: Yeah! Whoo!

Alan: Man!

[Earl gives Kurt a big pink bear. Kurt gives it to his wife]

Kurt: There you go, sweetie.

Alan’s Wife: Oh, I want a bear.

Alan: All right. Coming right up.[pays up, grabs football] I’ll take one of those. And if you don’t mind I’ll throw from the men’s tees.[walks farther back to throw]

Kurt: Ooh.

[Alan throws and misses the hole]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Darn it!

Kurt: Hey, hey. No biggie, chief. Just shake it off.

Alan: All right. Here’s another five.[pays Earl, grabs football. Throws from closer]

Alan’s Wife: Oh, you can do it, honey. Come on.

[Alan throws and misses the hole]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Are you kidding me?!

Kurt’s Wife: My turn, my turn!

[Kurt’s wife pregnant and all steps up and throws the football underhand in a girlie, non athletic, dorky way and scores.]

Earl: Touchdown!

[They all laugh except Alan. Kurt’s wife gets another pink bear]

Kurt: That was awesome!

Alan’s Wife: This is a hoot! Let me try.[steps up and picks football]

Alan: Careful, honey. Its a lot harder than it looks.

[Alan’s wife throws and scores]

Alan’s Wife: Ok. Oh, hells yeah!

Earl: Touchdown!

Kurt: What a shot!

Alan’s Wife: Ug! That’s how you do it! Ah, give me that bear!

[Earl gives Alan’s wife her pink bear]

Alan: All right. Here’s $15 dollars. Give me 3 balls. [pays] [Alan throws the football, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Far from a touchdown!

Alan: Dang it!

Kurt: Hey, hey, hey. No big deal, all right?

Kurt’s Wife: Yeah, why don’t we just go do something else?

Alan’s Wife: Yeah, Alan. You can have my bear.

Alan: I don’t want your damn bear! I want my own bear.

Kurt: Hey, hey. Its just a game, right?

Alan:[menacingly] Back off, Kurt.

Earl: Step right up! Throw a touchdown, win a bear!

[Two gay guys step up to Earl]

Gay Guy 2: So, what’s this? What is this?

Gay Guy 1: This is football, silly.

Gay Guy 2: What do I do here?

Gay Guy 1: You throw that in there and win me a bear.

Gay Guy 2: I want a bear too.

Gay Guy 1: Ok, lets do it together,

Gay Guy 2: Ok.

[Both gay guys throw their respective footballs and both score. They jump up and down very happy]

Gay Guy 1 & 2: Yay!

Earl: Touchdown!

[Earl gives them each a pink bear]

Gay Guy 1: That was the easiest thing ever![leaves] [An old lady in a motorized wheelchair steps up to Earl]

Old Lady: Hey! Whoo! Hey, Earl. One please. Ok.

[Old lady throws the football like a hook shot without even looking, she scores] [Earl gives her the pink bear but she takes off]

Old Lady: Whoo! Keep it.

Alan: Here’s 100 bucks! Keep ’em coming. [pays, footballs are lined up in front of him]

Alan’s Wife: Alan, Alan, this is getting really expensive!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Damn!

Alan’s Wife: Honey, why don’t we get some funnel cake?

Alan: No funnel cakes! Bear!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Unbelievable!

Kurt’s Wife: Hey, hey, um, maybe you should try it, like, underhand?

Alan: Maybe you should shut up!

Kurt: Hey, hey, hey.

Earl: Not a cool move.

Alan: You stay out of it!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Stop saying that!

Earl: Stop missing.

Alan: Say one more thing and the next one’s coming at your head!

Earl: I could not be less worried.

Alan: All right. That’s it.

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not even close!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not even close!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Worse than the previous two!

Alan: I can’t hit anything!

[Alan turns to another game and throws the football knocking down some pins]

Carnie: Haaaa!! We have a winner! The gentleman gets himself a pretty new doll.

[Carnie gives Alan a little doll]

Alan’s Wife: Hey, look at that.

Kurt’s Wife: Hey, there you go.

Alan: Damn right! None of you won a doll! I won a doll.

Alan’s Wife: Yes you did, baby. Now, let’s go get some funnel cake.

Alan: Make it two. One for me and one for Miss Penelope here.

[The foursome walk away] [Cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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