SNL Transcripts: Tom Brady: 04/16/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Jiminy Glick…..Martin Short
Lorne Michaels…..Will Forte

Announcer: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: Hi I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day in 2005, and the third straight triple digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial Average. On the bright side, your social security money isn’t in there yet!

Tina Fey: Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon met with President Bush at his Crawford, Texas ranch this week, where the two men discussed ways to calm the explosive situation on the set of Desperate Housewives.

Democrats have asked for more time to question UN Ambassador candidate John Bolton so the Senate Foreign Relations Committee has delayed an approval vote by one week. In the meantime, Bolton will go back to doing his one-man show about Mark Twain.

Amy Poehler: On her website Tuesday, Britney Spears announced that she and husband Kevin Federline are going to have a baby, or as Britney put it, “My new baby drops in September, ya’ll.”

To promote the remake of ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’, Warner Brothers in launching a contest similar to the on in the movie, in which five golden tickets will be hidden in candy bars with the winners getting a trip to LA. But please, anyone involved in this contest should understand that if someone in LA offers you an everlasting gobstopper, there will be sex involved.

Tina Fey: Health experts say that residents of Atlantic City, New Jersey are dying at a higher rate than people who live elsewhere in the state. This fits with the city’s new motto ‘What happens in Atlantic City, dies in Atlantic City.’

It was announced this week that the only known whale-dolphin mix, or wholphin, has given birth to a female calf. Sadly, the calf was immediately eaten by a sharktapus. (Shows a picture of an animal with a shark’s head, but an octopus’ tentacles) Oh! I don’t like that thing!

Amy Poehler: I don’t like that picture! I don’t like that picture!

Tina Fey: You’re going to have nightmares about that.

Amy Poehler: A six-year-old boy in England got his black belt in karate this week, so before he gets too big, don’t miss this awesome opportunity to kick a black belt’s ass!

Tina Fey: After being banned for thirteen years over potential health risks, the FDA has recommended allowing silicone breast implants back on the market, and commercials for them will go something like this…

(Slow music starts playing and a blurry filter is added for effect)

Tina Fey: Hmm… I want to cut myself open and put bags of goo in my chest… but I want something different… something less safe.

Amy Poehler: Something old school.

Tina Fey: I want married men at the mall to stare at me.

Amy Poehler: I want to look fat in shirts.

Tina Fey: I want to meet Joe Rogan.

V/O: Mentor Silicone Breast Implants. The big ol’ bags of goo that probably don’t give you lupus.

Amy Poehler: Paris Hilton will be starring in a new movie called ‘Bottoms Up.’ She will be playing the part of Bottoms.

Tina Fey: The two giant pandas at the San Diego Zoo mated over the past two days. This marks the only successful insemination of a panda this year in the US. It also proves once again, that I make the world’s most awesome slow jam mix tapes!

Amy Poehler: You really do!

Before conceiving, zoo officials closed the exhibit so that the pandas, Mei Xiang and Tian Tian, could mate in private. No such luck for Yo-Yo and Dum-Dum. (Shows a picture of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline)

Tina Fey: Well, yes, best wishes to them. And speaking of entertainment news, we’re very excited about this, please welcome our resident entertainment expert, celebrity interviewer to the stars, Mr. Jiminy Glick.

(He enters very excited and yells some stuff and claps his hands)

Jiminy Glick: Oh my goodness, aren’t they sweet? Aren’t you so, you’re, I mean your response to me is so fresh and raw and of the moment! You’re wonderful, all of you!

Tina Fey: Jiminy, thank you, you know thanks for being here. We’re very excited to have you.

Jiminy Glick: Aren’t you sweet, Tina Mey. You really are, and this whole bookworm thing is just so sexy! Ruff! Ruff Ruff!!

Tina Fey: Thank you, that’s very kind of you.

Jiminy Glick: Although I do miss Jimmy. I just think Jimmy is such a spirit. You know what I used to love when Jimmy would sometimes he’d look off camera and his hair would be all askew and I would say, “Oh, my god, he’s got to fix his hair!” And it was just SO of the moment and just such an act of bravery in what he’d do.

Amy Poehler: Very brave. Yeah. He’s great, Jimmy’s great.

Jiminy Glick: But this whole two woman gimmick is so much fun. I really think it’s great! And you two certainly are an inspiration for young lesbians everywhere. I mean they’re thinking ‘If they can do it, so can I.’

Tina Fey: Thank you, Jiminy. Now, I didn’t want to ask you this over the phone…

Jiminy Glick: How come?

Tina Fey: Well, I wanted you to book your flight, but… why are you here?

Jiminy Glick: Well, I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you why I’m here Tina Mey. I’m here to promote the release of our last and certainly least DVD of the best of Jiminy Glick and it’s a collection of my thirty years of celebrity interviews. And this one, disk 57, I mean even I have to admit it is absolutely the dregs! It’s the lowest of the low, you just can’t get any stinker than what’s on this! I mean we’ve got an interview with Urkel, uh, an interview with Robert Blake before he killed his wife, and uh, Erik Estrada and the whole cast of Chips. It’s just awful, but the worst of all, is the interview with your maestro Lorne Michaels, it takes place in 1975, and it’s bad.

Tina Fey: Well yes, I think we have a clip of this is a classic Jiminy Glick interview from 1975 with a young Lorne Michaels.

(Jiminy pulls out these HUGE, ugly glasses and puts them on)

Jiminy Glick: Oh! Let’s take a look! I bet it’s good!

(Cut to the 1975 interview. Jiminy and Lorne are sitting next to each other in large sofa chairs)

Jiminy Glick: I’m sitting here with the creator and founder and the lord of all that is mirthful I suppose, Mr. Lorne Michaels. Lorne Michaels, how are you? Congratulations on this hit you have!

(Jiminy hits Lorne on the knee with a rolled up thing of papers he’s holding)

Lorne Michaels: Thank you! Thank you!

Jiminy Glick: Oh! And the Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Players! That’s fun! Who came up with that phrase?

Lorne Michaels: (talks slowly throughout the interview) Well uh, we were kicking it around uh, in the studio…

Jiminy Glick: Who were the people?

Lorne Michaels: Well you know uh me, and Danny, Chevy, uh…

Jiminy Glick: ‘I’m Chevy Chase and you’re uh, you’re simply not Chevy.’ I can’t remember, I haven’t seen the show!

Lorne Michaels: Each of them great in their own ways, but when Candy Bergen came on the show, the cast felt like it had congealed —

(Show Jiminy who has fallen asleep)

Lorne Michaels: — to this family of comedians who had been…

(Jiminy slowly falls forward and eventually plummets head first onto the floor)

Jiminy Glick: Oh!! Ah, yes, okay, now you’re born on the same day as Mama Cass…

Lorne Michaels: Right.

Jiminy Glick: Are you a California Dreamer, Lorne?

(Jiminy grabs a donut from the table in front of them, and eats it repulsively fast!)

Lorne Michaels: Well I like to think of myself as many different uh, I’m a California Dreamers?… I’m from everywhere. I’m originally from Canada.

Jiminy Glick: (With mouth still full of donuts) OH! From Canada!

Lorne Michaels: Yes. Right.

Jiminy Glick: (Mouth is still stuffed with food) Is it cold there all the time or does it not get cold?

Lorne Michaels: Well it’s…

(Jiminy begins to choke on the donuts)

Lorne Michaels: ..temperature varies…

(Jiminy hits himself in the chest and says some things, but you can’t understand him. Lorne goes over and does the Heimlich maneuver. While doing this, Jiminy stuffs even more donuts into his mouth)

Jiminy Glick: I’m fine, thanks you. I find that sometimes when you’re choking, more food helps.

Lorne Michaels: Right.

Jiminy Glick: So far, who’s been the stinkiest host, the host that’s just bored you?

Lorne Michaels: Well I like to think that each host has something to offer uh, I don’t know that I could answer that question. They’re all great in their own way.

Jiminy Glick: (Frustrated) Why are you so boring? I have a show to do, and you are just so bad! You’re expected to entertain and say something! Listen to what I’m saying Mr. Brand-New-In-Show-Business, Mr. Fixnon, who by the way, this show will not last, there’s no way it will. It can’t! Not with you at the helm. You’ll be back, you’ll be sloggin, killing beavers, whatever you Canadians do. You just, hittin’ ‘em with your fists. Fisting them is what you’ll be doing. And you should be ashamed… to do that to a beaver!

Lorne Michaels: That’s your opinion.

(Jiminy screams and runs over and attacks Lorne. He ends up smashing a vase of flowers on Lorne’s head too)

(Back to the studio)

Jiminy Glick: I knew it was a bad one!

Tina Fey: Thank you. That was, Jiminy, that was fascinating.

Jiminy Glick: And again Tina Mey, you are just one of the sexiest women I’ve ever seen, I just… Although I’d love you to put these together (motions at her breasts) and make one good one.

Tina Fey: All right! Jiminy Glick everyone!

Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.

(Jiminy starts to kiss Tina)

Amy Poehler: ..and she’s Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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