Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 17
Fed Ex Courier…..Rob Riggle
Peyton Manning…..Seth Meyers
Donovan McNabb…..Finesse Mitchell
Mrs. McNabb…..Kenan Thompson
INT. STUDIO 8H – BACKSTAGE – NIGHT
TOM BRADY makes his way through the building. He encounters a FED-EX COURIER.
Courier: Hey Tom! Great job, man! Great job!
Tom Brady: Oh…thanks.
Both men give a secret handshake.
Courier: Hey… I think Peyton Manning’s been looking for you.
Courier glances behind Tom.
Courier: Oh… there he is!
PEYTON MANNING ENTERS, wearing his Indianapolis Colts jersey and ballcap.
Peyton Manning: Hey Tom… Good to see you.
Both men shake hands.
Tom Brady: Did you get those tickets I left you? Peyton shakes his head.
Peyton Manning: No.
Tom Brady: That’s weird… I left them.
Peyton Manning: Yeah, Eli got me in. Listen… how do they choose the quarterback who’ll host? Is it based in yards?
Tom Brady: I don’t know Peyton.
Peyton Manning: Yeah, because I passed 4,557 yards this year and you only passed 3,690.
Tom Brady: Then I guess it wasn’t yards.
Peyton Manning: Yeah I guess it wasn’t!
Peyton scowls at Tom.
Mrs. McNabb (off-screen): Yeah, I got a question for you, Tom Brady.
MRS. MCNABB, in her son DONOVAN’s Philadelphia Eagles jersey under a white fur coat, proceeds in with Donovan behind her.
Tom Brady: Mrs. McNabb. Donovan.
Mrs. McNabb: How did they choose this “host”? Because if it were up to me, my baby Donovan would be the host. He’s funny… he’s adorable.
Donovan McNabb: Okay mama… Now you’re embarrassing me.
Mrs. McNabb: Not! Not! Now!!
Tom Brady: Mrs. McNabb… I’m sure you would’ve chosen Donovan. And if it was up to my mom, she probably would have chosen me.
Mrs. McNabb: Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not familiar with your mother. Is she a spokeswoman for a national soup company? A soup company so famous Andy Warhol did a painting of it. Andy Warhol!!
Mrs. McNabb throws her arms in the air. Donovan lowers her arms down.
Donovan McNabb: Mama, please!
Peyton Manning: Hey Tom, I figured it out. How many touchdowns did you throw last year?
Tom Brady: Uh, I don’t know Peyton… like 20-something?
Peyton Manning: Hmmm… then they probably didn’t choose it by touchdowns because I threw 49. That’s an NFL record. That’s a lot of touchdowns everybody.
Peyton’s holds his arms in the air, glancing around to see if anybody’s paying attention. Tom lays his hand on Peyton’s right shoulder.
Tom Brady: You had a great year buddy.
Peyton folds his arms.
Peyton Manning: So then why did they choose you!?
Tom Brady: I’m sorry Peyton. I don’t know.
Donovan McNabb: Maybe’s because you got those three Super Bowl rings?
Mrs. McNabb hits Donovan.
Mrs. McNabb: Don’t help him!
Tom Brady: Sorry guys. I got to get ready for the next sketch. And Peyton… some advice – don’t wear that jersey in public all the time.
Peyton Manning: All right.
Donovan McNabb: Well I guess there’s only one way to get a Super Bowl ring…
Peyton Manning: Hard work, dedication, and performance in the clutch.
Mrs. McNabb: Or – we could beat him down and take those rings! I’m gangsta!!
Peyton Manning: Yeah, that works too.
Donovan points to Peyton.
Donovan McNabb: All right, Mom. He’s 6’4″, so you’re first.
Mrs. McNabb: All right, baby. Let’s go.
Mrs. McNabb and Peyton start doing air punches against imaginary opponents. After a moment, all three exit to where Tom left.
Submitted by: Cody Downs