SNL Transcripts: Tom Brady: 04/16/05: Why Brady?


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17




04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Why Brady?

…..Tom Brady
Fed Ex Courier…..Rob Riggle
Peyton Manning…..Seth Meyers
Donovan McNabb…..Finesse Mitchell
Mrs. McNabb…..Kenan Thompson

INT. STUDIO 8H – BACKSTAGE – NIGHT

TOM BRADY makes his way through the building. He encounters a FED-EX COURIER.

Courier: Hey Tom! Great job, man! Great job!

Tom Brady: Oh…thanks.

Both men give a secret handshake.

Courier: Hey… I think Peyton Manning’s been looking for you.

Courier glances behind Tom.

Courier: Oh… there he is!

PEYTON MANNING ENTERS, wearing his Indianapolis Colts jersey and ballcap.

Peyton Manning: Hey Tom… Good to see you.

Both men shake hands.

Tom Brady: Did you get those tickets I left you? Peyton shakes his head.

Peyton Manning: No.

Tom Brady: That’s weird… I left them.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, Eli got me in. Listen… how do they choose the quarterback who’ll host? Is it based in yards?

Tom Brady: I don’t know Peyton.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, because I passed 4,557 yards this year and you only passed 3,690.

Tom Brady: Then I guess it wasn’t yards.

Peyton Manning: Yeah I guess it wasn’t!

Peyton scowls at Tom.

Mrs. McNabb (off-screen): Yeah, I got a question for you, Tom Brady.

MRS. MCNABB, in her son DONOVAN’s Philadelphia Eagles jersey under a white fur coat, proceeds in with Donovan behind her.

Tom Brady: Mrs. McNabb. Donovan.

Mrs. McNabb: How did they choose this “host”? Because if it were up to me, my baby Donovan would be the host. He’s funny… he’s adorable.

Donovan McNabb: Okay mama… Now you’re embarrassing me.

Mrs. McNabb: Not! Not! Now!!

Tom Brady: Mrs. McNabb… I’m sure you would’ve chosen Donovan. And if it was up to my mom, she probably would have chosen me.

Mrs. McNabb: Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not familiar with your mother. Is she a spokeswoman for a national soup company? A soup company so famous Andy Warhol did a painting of it. Andy Warhol!!

Mrs. McNabb throws her arms in the air. Donovan lowers her arms down.

Donovan McNabb: Mama, please!

Peyton Manning: Hey Tom, I figured it out. How many touchdowns did you throw last year?

Tom Brady: Uh, I don’t know Peyton… like 20-something?

Peyton Manning: Hmmm… then they probably didn’t choose it by touchdowns because I threw 49. That’s an NFL record. That’s a lot of touchdowns everybody.

Peyton’s holds his arms in the air, glancing around to see if anybody’s paying attention. Tom lays his hand on Peyton’s right shoulder.

Tom Brady: You had a great year buddy.

Peyton folds his arms.

Peyton Manning: So then why did they choose you!?

Tom Brady: I’m sorry Peyton. I don’t know.

Donovan McNabb: Maybe’s because you got those three Super Bowl rings?

Mrs. McNabb hits Donovan.

Mrs. McNabb: Don’t help him!

Tom Brady: Sorry guys. I got to get ready for the next sketch. And Peyton… some advice – don’t wear that jersey in public all the time.

Peyton Manning: All right.

Tom EXITS.

Donovan McNabb: Well I guess there’s only one way to get a Super Bowl ring…

Peyton Manning: Hard work, dedication, and performance in the clutch.

Mrs. McNabb: Or – we could beat him down and take those rings! I’m gangsta!!

Peyton Manning: Yeah, that works too.

Donovan points to Peyton.

Donovan McNabb: All right, Mom. He’s 6’4″, so you’re first.

Mrs. McNabb: All right, baby. Let’s go.

Mrs. McNabb and Peyton start doing air punches against imaginary opponents. After a moment, all three exit to where Tom left.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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