SNL Transcripts: Tom Brady: 04/16/05: Why Brady?


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17




04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Why Brady?

…..Tom Brady
Fed Ex Courier…..Rob Riggle
Peyton Manning…..Seth Meyers
Donovan McNabb…..Finesse Mitchell
Mrs. McNabb…..Kenan Thompson

INT. STUDIO 8H – BACKSTAGE – NIGHT

TOM BRADY makes his way through the building. He encounters a FED-EX COURIER.

Courier: Hey Tom! Great job, man! Great job!

Tom Brady: Oh…thanks.

Both men give a secret handshake.

Courier: Hey… I think Peyton Manning’s been looking for you.

Courier glances behind Tom.

Courier: Oh… there he is!

PEYTON MANNING ENTERS, wearing his Indianapolis Colts jersey and ballcap.

Peyton Manning: Hey Tom… Good to see you.

Both men shake hands.

Tom Brady: Did you get those tickets I left you? Peyton shakes his head.

Peyton Manning: No.

Tom Brady: That’s weird… I left them.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, Eli got me in. Listen… how do they choose the quarterback who’ll host? Is it based in yards?

Tom Brady: I don’t know Peyton.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, because I passed 4,557 yards this year and you only passed 3,690.

Tom Brady: Then I guess it wasn’t yards.

Peyton Manning: Yeah I guess it wasn’t!

Peyton scowls at Tom.

Mrs. McNabb (off-screen): Yeah, I got a question for you, Tom Brady.

MRS. MCNABB, in her son DONOVAN’s Philadelphia Eagles jersey under a white fur coat, proceeds in with Donovan behind her.

Tom Brady: Mrs. McNabb. Donovan.

Mrs. McNabb: How did they choose this “host”? Because if it were up to me, my baby Donovan would be the host. He’s funny… he’s adorable.

Donovan McNabb: Okay mama… Now you’re embarrassing me.

Mrs. McNabb: Not! Not! Now!!

Tom Brady: Mrs. McNabb… I’m sure you would’ve chosen Donovan. And if it was up to my mom, she probably would have chosen me.

Mrs. McNabb: Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not familiar with your mother. Is she a spokeswoman for a national soup company? A soup company so famous Andy Warhol did a painting of it. Andy Warhol!!

Mrs. McNabb throws her arms in the air. Donovan lowers her arms down.

Donovan McNabb: Mama, please!

Peyton Manning: Hey Tom, I figured it out. How many touchdowns did you throw last year?

Tom Brady: Uh, I don’t know Peyton… like 20-something?

Peyton Manning: Hmmm… then they probably didn’t choose it by touchdowns because I threw 49. That’s an NFL record. That’s a lot of touchdowns everybody.

Peyton’s holds his arms in the air, glancing around to see if anybody’s paying attention. Tom lays his hand on Peyton’s right shoulder.

Tom Brady: You had a great year buddy.

Peyton folds his arms.

Peyton Manning: So then why did they choose you!?

Tom Brady: I’m sorry Peyton. I don’t know.

Donovan McNabb: Maybe’s because you got those three Super Bowl rings?

Mrs. McNabb hits Donovan.

Mrs. McNabb: Don’t help him!

Tom Brady: Sorry guys. I got to get ready for the next sketch. And Peyton… some advice – don’t wear that jersey in public all the time.

Peyton Manning: All right.

Tom EXITS.

Donovan McNabb: Well I guess there’s only one way to get a Super Bowl ring…

Peyton Manning: Hard work, dedication, and performance in the clutch.

Mrs. McNabb: Or – we could beat him down and take those rings! I’m gangsta!!

Peyton Manning: Yeah, that works too.

Donovan points to Peyton.

Donovan McNabb: All right, Mom. He’s 6’4″, so you’re first.

Mrs. McNabb: All right, baby. Let’s go.

Mrs. McNabb and Peyton start doing air punches against imaginary opponents. After a moment, all three exit to where Tom left.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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