SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: Bear City



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18





04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Bear City

Narrator…..Fred Willard

[ open on animated image of a meteor hurtling through the atmosphere and making impact on Earth ]

Narrator V/O: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious and visible cloud covered the town, forcing the citizens to flee underground.

[ show townspeople running into a barn-like structure ]

Narrator V/O: In this mysterious, visible cloud was a chemical that enabled bears —

[ show a bear squat in the woods, as the image dissolves into a similar pose of the bear sitting on a toilet inside of a house ]

Narrator V/O: — to evolve an fill the void left by humans.

[ show other bears walking through the city wwearing business suits and carrying briefcases ]

Narrator V/O: And, within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.

Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”

[ show the bears interacting like humans — stepping out of elevators, rading newspapers, etc. ]

Narrator V/O: Although they couldn’t talk, the bears went about their lives just like Man had done.

[ show close-up of a boy and girl, named Rex Banter and Cynthia Davis ]

Narrator V/O: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children —

[ the bears swarm in for the kill ]

Narrator V/O: And they were quickly eaten — by bears.

Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”

Narrator V/O: Tonight’s episode: “Barstool Blues.”

[ fade up on the interior of a barroom, where a bear sits glumly as the Bartender bear wipes the counter with a growl ]

[ the telephone rings. The Bartender bear answers it, only to hear the grumbling sounds of a female bear on the other end of the line. The Bartender bear looks to the bear drinking glumly, and indicates that it’s his wife on the line. The bear motions his paws to indicate that he’s “Not here”, but the Bartender bear hands the phone over to him anyway. The bear shrugs in defeat. ]

[ on the other end of the line, the irate bear wife yells at her husband over the phone. The bear weakly yells back over his end, but to no avail. ]

[ The bear hangs up the phone, thinks for a moment for a way to save face, then stretches out his arms, yawns, and pretends that he’s too tired and is ready to call it a night. As he walks away, the Bartender bear laughs at his him. ]

[ dissolve to a bear toasting a glass of wine to the camera ]

Narrator V/O: Thanks for visiting Bear City.

[ dissolve to title card: “Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon” ]

[ fade ]

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