SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: Mother’s Day Brunch


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Mother’s Day Brunch

Jeremy’s Brother…..Seth Meyers
Curt’s Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Jeremy…..Jason Sudeikis
Tom…..Chris Parnell
Diquonte…..Kenan Thompson
Grandmother…..Maya Rudolph
Kyle…..Finesse Mitchell
Young Father…..Rob Riggle
Young Mother…..Amy Poehler
Curt/Tiffany…..Johnny Knoxville

[open on restaurant exterior with awning: “Ferraro’s”] [dissolve to a table in restaurant interior with seated woman wearing a patterned magenta blouse as two young men approach]

Jeremy’s Brother: Hey, happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Curt’s Wife: Oh, hi, boys.

Jeremy’s Brother: Hi. [kisses her on the cheek]

Jeremy: Hey, we got you these. [hands her a bouquet of flowers]

Curt’s Wife: Oh, thank you. They’re beautiful!

[the young men sit]

Jeremy’s Brother: So, where’s Dad?

Curt’s Wife: Uh, he’s in the bathroom, fixing his hair. [to a passing waiter] Oh, can I have a mimosa, please? And, um, hold the orange juice and instead of champagne, make it a scotch.

Tom: Yes, ma’am.

[pan to second table with older woman and two young men]

Diquonte: Grandma, this is you special day. Order anything you like.

Grandmother: Oh, that’s very nice of you, but I don’t want to fill up because I am having lunch with my grandsons later.

Kyle: Grandma, we’re your grandsons.

Grandmother: No, I don’t think so. My grandsons are very handsome.

[pan to third table with young couple and swaddled baby]

Young Father: Happy first Mother’s Day, mommy!

Young Mother: [holding the baby] Happy first Mother’s Day to you, daddy!

[both make “a-buh-buh-buh” sounds towards the baby]

Tom: [approaching the table] Hi, my name is Tom; I’ll be your waiter today.

Young Mother: Oh, Tom, look at our baby. Isn’t he cute?

Tom: He sure is.

Young Father: It’s his first trip to a restaurant!

Young Mother: Oh, my God, it’s the first time I’ve been out of the house in seven months.

Young Father: Hey, you’re his first waiter!

Young Mother: Oh, my God, first waiter! Get a picture!

Young Father: Yeah, yeah, yeah! [gets out a camera]

Young Mother: [handing the baby to Tom] Support his head. Support his neck! Support his neck!

[dissolve to first table]

Curt’s Wife: Oh, here comes your father.

Jeremy’s Brother: Hey, Dad.

Jeremy: Dad!

[their father enters the frame; he has shoulder-length crimped hair and is wearing a fuschia dress and a necklace while clutching a pink purse]

Tiffany: Boys, I told you, you don’t have to call me that. It’s Tiffany. Hi, honey. [kisses his wife on the cheek]

Jeremy’s Brother: [as his father kisses him on the cheek] Yeah, I’m not gonna call you that.

Jeremy: [as his father kisses him on the cheek] Hey, Tiffany, I got a question. Which bathroom did you use?

Jeremy’s Brother: Jeremy!

Tiffany: No, no, that’s fine. That’s a perfectly normal question, and I want to answer them. I’m using the men’s room right now, because I still have my penis. But, as you know, in a few weeks, I’ll be undergoing a procedure where my surgeon will flay my penis open and fold it into a vagina. [his wife sits stoically while he describes this]

Jeremy: Aw, that’s awesome!

Jeremy’s Brother: Awesome, really?

Jeremy: Yep.

Jeremy’s Brother: Well, uh, happy Mother’s Day to both of you, I guess.

Tiffany: Oh, oh, no, no, this is your mother’s day. I don’t want to steal her thunder. [conspiratorially to his wife] But I would like that silk top.

Curt’s Wife: [strainedly] Curt!

Tiffany: It’s Tiffany.

Curt’s Wife: I’m not calling you Tiffany.

Jeremy’s Brother: Well, we got you both a card. So, there you go. [hands a card to his mother]

Curt’s Wife: Oh, look. It’s a little kitty hanging on a tree, and it says, “Sorry for you loss.”

Jeremy’s Brother: Yeah, it’s not really a Mother’s Day card, but it seemed appropriate.

Jeremy: And we got this for you, Tiff. [hands a card to his father]

Tiffany: Oh! “Happy Mother’s Day. Dear Father/Mother, As you make this transition, one thing is true. No matter what’s in your panties, we’ll always love you.”

Jeremy’s Brother: Yeah, I couldn’t believe they make a card that specific, but apparently they do.

Tiffany: That’s so thoughtful. [begins crying and dabbing his eyes with a cloth napkin] I’m sorry; it’s just the hormones. [voice suddenly becomes very gruff and masculine as he pounds his fists on the table] They’re wreaking havoc on my body!

Curt’s Wife: [looking from side to side] Where is my scotch?

[dissolve to second table]

Tom: Have you decided?

Kyle: Uh, yes. I’ll have the goat-cheese omelette, please.

Diquonte: Yeah, I think I’ll have the Dutch apple pancakes.

Grandmother: Psst! Psst! [waves Tom to lean in to her] If these two boys try to put all that food on my check, call the police, because I don’t know them.

Diquonte: Grandma, it’s me, Diquonte.

Kyle: And me, Kyle.

Diquonte: We’re your grandsons, remember? We picked you up at your house.

Grandmother: If you’re really my grandsons, answer me this: What is my name?

Diquonte: Grandma?

Grandmother: Ooh, y’all are good.

[dissolve to first table]

Tiffany: [setting his hands on either side of his chest] So I went with a C cup, because I didn’t want them too big. Go ahead, test them out. Give them a squeeze.

Jeremy’s Brother: No thanks, Dad.

Jeremy: I’ll try it. [reaches over and begins fondling his father’s breasts as his mother puts her hand over her face in shame] Oh, yeah, those are great, Tiffany. High and hard, way to play them. Mom, have you felt these puppies?

Curt’s Wife: No. No, I haven’t. No.

[dissolve to third table]

Tom: Are you ready to order?

Young Mother: Um, yes. We are… [begins talking in baby talk voice] Yes we are! Mommy will have eggsy-weggsy and two fistfulls of Cheerios and some juicy!

Young Father: [also in baby talk voice] Oh, and Daddy wants the Caesar’s salad with some chicky-chicky-chicky-chicky!

Tom: Very good sir.

Young Father: [in normal voice] Uh, let me ask you this. Uh, your booberry muffins, are they num-num.

Tom: Yes, they’re very good, sir.

Young Father: All right, we’ll have this many. [holds up two fingers] [dissolve to first table]

Jeremy’s Brother: So, uh, so, what’s new with you, Mom.

Curt’s Wife: Oh, nothing.

Tiffany: That’s not true! Tell them your exciting news.

Curt’s Wife: There’s no news.

Tiffany: We’ve been invited to appear on Oprah.

Curt’s Wife: We’re not going.

Tiffany: We’re thinking about it.

Jeremy: Oh, that’s great, Tiffany! You gotta do it!

Jeremy’s Brother: Hey, Jeremy? Why don’t you just admit you’re kissing up to Dad because you’re flunking out of law school.

Tiffany: What?

Jeremy: Dad, I’m a professional video game player trapped inside of a lawyer’s body.

[Jeremy’s brother groans disgustedly and rolls his eyes and head towards the ceiling]

Tiffany: Oh, baby, I know your pain. [puts a hand on Jeremy’s shoulder]

Curt’s Wife: [tapping her hand on the table impatiently] Are the waiters serving the drinks different from the regular waiters?

[dissolve to second table]

Grandmother: [holding a photograph] See, now, this is a picture of me with my two grandsons, and they’re with some lady.

Kyle: Grandma, that’s you!

Diquonte: And us!

Grandmother: I don’t think so, because these people are black.

[Diquonte shakes his head while Kyle turns away dejectedly] [dissolve to third table]

Young Father: I wuv you, Mommy!

Young Mother: I love you, too, Daddy! [to baby] Hello! Hello! Oooooh! [baby begins to projectile vomit on her]

Young Father: Oh, yay! [both applaud] Somebody made barfy!

Young Mother: Get the camera!

Young Father: I got it, I got it!

Young Mother: Get the camera!

Young Father: I got it!

[young mother smiles while vomit drips down her entire face] [voice over with title: “Happy Mother’s Day”] [pan to Tom, juggling trays of food and order slips] [voice over with new title: “to all the waiters who have to work brunch tomorrow”]

Voice Over: Waiters have moms, too, y’all.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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