Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 18
04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down
The Couple That Should Be Divorced
Ted’s Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Jack’s Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Ted…..Chris Parnell
Jack…..Johnny Knoxville
Dan Harrison…..Seth Meyers
Sally Harrison…..Amy Poehler
[open on exterior of suburban home]
[dissolve to interior living room with two couples walking towards couches]
Ted’s Wife: Thanks so much for having us over.
Jack’s Wife: Oh, well it’s been ages since we’ve seen you guys.
Ted: Is anyone else coming, or is it just the four of us.
Jack: Well, yeah, the Harrisons are stopping by.
Ted’s Wife: Oh, no, Dan and Sally?
Jack’s Wife: Oh, come on, guys, they’re two of our oldest friends.
Ted’s Wife: But all they do is argue. It’s so uncomfortable!
Jack’s Wife: I know. Well, maybe it won’t be so bad. [grimaces]
[Sally and Dan enter; she is holding a covered pie-tin and he is carrying a bottle in a paper bag]
Sally and Dan: Hey!
Dan: Hi, everybody!
Sally: Hey, sorry we’re late, but somebody thought the back roads would be faster–than the highway.
Dan: Yeah, that’s why we’re late. Not because she had to go through thirty outfits to pick out this winner.
Sally: Son of a–
Dan: What?!
[jingle plays with still photo montage]
Woman: [singing] You’re the thorn in my side. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding]
Man: [singing] You’re the face that makes me angry. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation]
Both: [singing] Nothing you ever say or do is right. / [with title] “Sally and Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be Divorced” [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas]
[dissolve to living room]
Sally: Hey, I made my famous pie.
Jack’s Wife: Oh, thank you! [taking it from her] Should I put it in the fridge?
Dan: You should put it in the garbage.
Sally: That’s my mother’s recipe!
Dan: No, your mother’s recipe is two parts silence, one part bitch.
Sally: Well, it beats his mom’s recipe: all parts gin.
Dan: How dare you!
Sally: How dare you! You–
Dan: [grunts angrily]
Ted’s Wife: Oh, this is funny. Um, Ted and I are taking a ballroom dancing class.
Jack’s Wife: Ooh, that’s great!
Ted’s Wife: Yeah, it’s really fun.
Ted: You should see this one rumba.
Ted’s Wife: Oh, Ted!
Dan: Are you guys learning the foxtrot?
Sally: What?
Dan: The foxtrot.
Sally: Foxbot?
Dan: Foxtrot.
Sally: Well, the first two times you said, “foxbot.”
Dan: Yeah, honey, they’re talking about ballroom dancing and I was talking abou the mythical half-fox, half-robot.
Sally: You’re an idiot.
Dan: [snarls angrily]
Ted: So, Jack, did you tell them about your promotion?
Jack: Well, yeah, that’s kind of why we’re celebrating.
Dan: Hey, congratulations, Jack! [pats Jack on the knee]
Sally: Yeah, we’re so proud of you, Jack!
Jack’s Wife: It’s so great. How’s work going for you, Dan.
Dan: Really great.
Sally: Huh.
Dan: Got something to say, Sally?
Sally: To you? Never.
Jack: So, what should we do before dinner?
Dan: We could play a game.
All Four Others: [shouting and with alarmed body language] No!
Jack’s Wife: Um, it’s just we played a game last time.
Dan: What did we play last time?
Sally: It was charades, and we lost.
Dan: Oh, that’s right. Somebody thought there was a movie called “When the Grinch Stole Thanksgiving.”
Sally: Guess what? [waggles her hands up and down with palms facing each other] This isn’t a Christmas tree.
Dan: Oh, what’s the point? What’s the point, guys?
Jack’s Wife: [grabbing bottle of wine from table] Hey, everyone! Sally brought wine! [opens the bottle]
Jack: Yeah, let’s start drinking! [reaches for a glass]
Ted: Asolutely! [taking a poured glass] So, how was your vacation?
Ted’s Wife: [to Ted] Why would you ask them that?
Ted: [to his wife] I don’t know.
Jack’s Wife: Cheers! Cheers.
Jack: Cheers.
Sally: So, we’ve been thinking about having kids. [all four others perform spit takes]
Dan: Nice pick on the wine, Sally.
Sally: Well, maybe next time, Dan, don’t honk the horn every thirty seconds while I’m in the store.
Dan: All right, I’ll go get another bottle. [stands and walks towards kitchen]
Sally: Ow!
Dan: What?!
Sally: [crying] You stepped on my foot!
Dan: Oh, then maybe we should call an ambulance, because that’s the noise a person makes when they break every bone in their foot.
Sally: You’re embarassing yourself.
Dan: Oh, I’m embarassing myself?! Can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?!
Sally: Absolutely!
[they both storm through swinging double doors into the kitchen]
Jack: Man, I don’t get it. They obviously hate each other.
Jack’s Wife: They’ve been like this since their wedding.
Ted’s Wife: They were like this when they were dating.
Ted: We were there the night they met. It did not go well.
[loud crash from kitchen, followed by Sally groaning and then Dan]
Jack’s Wife: Oh, my God. Jack, do something; they’re going to break our dishes!
Jack: Okay, okay! [gets up and goes through the swinging doors, but returns immediately] They’re having sex.
Ted’s Wife: Are you sure he’s not trying to kill her?
Jack: It’s impossible. She’s on top.
Ted: A second set of eyes might help. [begins to stand]
Ted’s Wife: Sit down, Ted.
Ted: Whatever you say, cupcake. [sits]
Jack’s Wife: Wow, so I guess they won’t be getting divorced.
Sally: Hey, um, sorry about that, you guys. We needed to check on the pie.
Dan: Don’t worry; it’s still terrible.
Sally: Son of a–
Dan: What?!
[jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: “Sally and Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be Divorced”]
[fade]
Submitted by: DavidK93
