SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: The Couple That Should Be Divorced

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

The Couple That Should Be Divorced

Ted’s Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Jack’s Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Ted…..Chris Parnell
Jack…..Johnny Knoxville
Dan Harrison…..Seth Meyers
Sally Harrison…..Amy Poehler

[open on exterior of suburban home] [dissolve to interior living room with two couples walking towards couches]

Ted’s Wife: Thanks so much for having us over.

Jack’s Wife: Oh, well it’s been ages since we’ve seen you guys.

Ted: Is anyone else coming, or is it just the four of us.

Jack: Well, yeah, the Harrisons are stopping by.

Ted’s Wife: Oh, no, Dan and Sally?

Jack’s Wife: Oh, come on, guys, they’re two of our oldest friends.

Ted’s Wife: But all they do is argue. It’s so uncomfortable!

Jack’s Wife: I know. Well, maybe it won’t be so bad. [grimaces] [Sally and Dan enter; she is holding a covered pie-tin and he is carrying a bottle in a paper bag]

Sally and Dan: Hey!

Dan: Hi, everybody!

Sally: Hey, sorry we’re late, but somebody thought the back roads would be faster–than the highway.

Dan: Yeah, that’s why we’re late. Not because she had to go through thirty outfits to pick out this winner.

Sally: Son of a–

Dan: What?!

[jingle plays with still photo montage]

Woman: [singing] You’re the thorn in my side. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding]

Man: [singing] You’re the face that makes me angry. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation]

Both: [singing] Nothing you ever say or do is right. / [with title] “Sally and Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be Divorced” [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas] [dissolve to living room]

Sally: Hey, I made my famous pie.

Jack’s Wife: Oh, thank you! [taking it from her] Should I put it in the fridge?

Dan: You should put it in the garbage.

Sally: That’s my mother’s recipe!

Dan: No, your mother’s recipe is two parts silence, one part bitch.

Sally: Well, it beats his mom’s recipe: all parts gin.

Dan: How dare you!

Sally: How dare you! You–

Dan: [grunts angrily]

Ted’s Wife: Oh, this is funny. Um, Ted and I are taking a ballroom dancing class.

Jack’s Wife: Ooh, that’s great!

Ted’s Wife: Yeah, it’s really fun.

Ted: You should see this one rumba.

Ted’s Wife: Oh, Ted!

Dan: Are you guys learning the foxtrot?

Sally: What?

Dan: The foxtrot.

Sally: Foxbot?

Dan: Foxtrot.

Sally: Well, the first two times you said, “foxbot.”

Dan: Yeah, honey, they’re talking about ballroom dancing and I was talking abou the mythical half-fox, half-robot.

Sally: You’re an idiot.

Dan: [snarls angrily]

Ted: So, Jack, did you tell them about your promotion?

Jack: Well, yeah, that’s kind of why we’re celebrating.

Dan: Hey, congratulations, Jack! [pats Jack on the knee]

Sally: Yeah, we’re so proud of you, Jack!

Jack’s Wife: It’s so great. How’s work going for you, Dan.

Dan: Really great.

Sally: Huh.

Dan: Got something to say, Sally?

Sally: To you? Never.

Jack: So, what should we do before dinner?

Dan: We could play a game.

All Four Others: [shouting and with alarmed body language] No!

Jack’s Wife: Um, it’s just we played a game last time.

Dan: What did we play last time?

Sally: It was charades, and we lost.

Dan: Oh, that’s right. Somebody thought there was a movie called “When the Grinch Stole Thanksgiving.”

Sally: Guess what? [waggles her hands up and down with palms facing each other] This isn’t a Christmas tree.

Dan: Oh, what’s the point? What’s the point, guys?

Jack’s Wife: [grabbing bottle of wine from table] Hey, everyone! Sally brought wine! [opens the bottle]

Jack: Yeah, let’s start drinking! [reaches for a glass]

Ted: Asolutely! [taking a poured glass] So, how was your vacation?

Ted’s Wife: [to Ted] Why would you ask them that?

Ted: [to his wife] I don’t know.

Jack’s Wife: Cheers! Cheers.

Jack: Cheers.

Sally: So, we’ve been thinking about having kids. [all four others perform spit takes]

Dan: Nice pick on the wine, Sally.

Sally: Well, maybe next time, Dan, don’t honk the horn every thirty seconds while I’m in the store.

Dan: All right, I’ll go get another bottle. [stands and walks towards kitchen]

Sally: Ow!

Dan: What?!

Sally: [crying] You stepped on my foot!

Dan: Oh, then maybe we should call an ambulance, because that’s the noise a person makes when they break every bone in their foot.

Sally: You’re embarassing yourself.

Dan: Oh, I’m embarassing myself?! Can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?!

Sally: Absolutely!

[they both storm through swinging double doors into the kitchen]

Jack: Man, I don’t get it. They obviously hate each other.

Jack’s Wife: They’ve been like this since their wedding.

Ted’s Wife: They were like this when they were dating.

Ted: We were there the night they met. It did not go well.

[loud crash from kitchen, followed by Sally groaning and then Dan]

Jack’s Wife: Oh, my God. Jack, do something; they’re going to break our dishes!

Jack: Okay, okay! [gets up and goes through the swinging doors, but returns immediately] They’re having sex.

Ted’s Wife: Are you sure he’s not trying to kill her?

Jack: It’s impossible. She’s on top.

Ted: A second set of eyes might help. [begins to stand]

Ted’s Wife: Sit down, Ted.

Ted: Whatever you say, cupcake. [sits]

Jack’s Wife: Wow, so I guess they won’t be getting divorced.

Sally: Hey, um, sorry about that, you guys. We needed to check on the pie.

Dan: Don’t worry; it’s still terrible.

Sally: Son of a–

Dan: What?!

[jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: “Sally and Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be Divorced”] [fade]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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