SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: The Couple That Should Be Divorced


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

The Couple That Should Be Divorced

Ted’s Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Jack’s Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Ted…..Chris Parnell
Jack…..Johnny Knoxville
Dan Harrison…..Seth Meyers
Sally Harrison…..Amy Poehler

[open on exterior of suburban home] [dissolve to interior living room with two couples walking towards couches]

Ted’s Wife: Thanks so much for having us over.

Jack’s Wife: Oh, well it’s been ages since we’ve seen you guys.

Ted: Is anyone else coming, or is it just the four of us.

Jack: Well, yeah, the Harrisons are stopping by.

Ted’s Wife: Oh, no, Dan and Sally?

Jack’s Wife: Oh, come on, guys, they’re two of our oldest friends.

Ted’s Wife: But all they do is argue. It’s so uncomfortable!

Jack’s Wife: I know. Well, maybe it won’t be so bad. [grimaces] [Sally and Dan enter; she is holding a covered pie-tin and he is carrying a bottle in a paper bag]

Sally and Dan: Hey!

Dan: Hi, everybody!

Sally: Hey, sorry we’re late, but somebody thought the back roads would be faster–than the highway.

Dan: Yeah, that’s why we’re late. Not because she had to go through thirty outfits to pick out this winner.

Sally: Son of a–

Dan: What?!

[jingle plays with still photo montage]

Woman: [singing] You’re the thorn in my side. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding]

Man: [singing] You’re the face that makes me angry. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation]

Both: [singing] Nothing you ever say or do is right. / [with title] “Sally and Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be Divorced” [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas] [dissolve to living room]

Sally: Hey, I made my famous pie.

Jack’s Wife: Oh, thank you! [taking it from her] Should I put it in the fridge?

Dan: You should put it in the garbage.

Sally: That’s my mother’s recipe!

Dan: No, your mother’s recipe is two parts silence, one part bitch.

Sally: Well, it beats his mom’s recipe: all parts gin.

Dan: How dare you!

Sally: How dare you! You–

Dan: [grunts angrily]

Ted’s Wife: Oh, this is funny. Um, Ted and I are taking a ballroom dancing class.

Jack’s Wife: Ooh, that’s great!

Ted’s Wife: Yeah, it’s really fun.

Ted: You should see this one rumba.

Ted’s Wife: Oh, Ted!

Dan: Are you guys learning the foxtrot?

Sally: What?

Dan: The foxtrot.

Sally: Foxbot?

Dan: Foxtrot.

Sally: Well, the first two times you said, “foxbot.”

Dan: Yeah, honey, they’re talking about ballroom dancing and I was talking abou the mythical half-fox, half-robot.

Sally: You’re an idiot.

Dan: [snarls angrily]

Ted: So, Jack, did you tell them about your promotion?

Jack: Well, yeah, that’s kind of why we’re celebrating.

Dan: Hey, congratulations, Jack! [pats Jack on the knee]

Sally: Yeah, we’re so proud of you, Jack!

Jack’s Wife: It’s so great. How’s work going for you, Dan.

Dan: Really great.

Sally: Huh.

Dan: Got something to say, Sally?

Sally: To you? Never.

Jack: So, what should we do before dinner?

Dan: We could play a game.

All Four Others: [shouting and with alarmed body language] No!

Jack’s Wife: Um, it’s just we played a game last time.

Dan: What did we play last time?

Sally: It was charades, and we lost.

Dan: Oh, that’s right. Somebody thought there was a movie called “When the Grinch Stole Thanksgiving.”

Sally: Guess what? [waggles her hands up and down with palms facing each other] This isn’t a Christmas tree.

Dan: Oh, what’s the point? What’s the point, guys?

Jack’s Wife: [grabbing bottle of wine from table] Hey, everyone! Sally brought wine! [opens the bottle]

Jack: Yeah, let’s start drinking! [reaches for a glass]

Ted: Asolutely! [taking a poured glass] So, how was your vacation?

Ted’s Wife: [to Ted] Why would you ask them that?

Ted: [to his wife] I don’t know.

Jack’s Wife: Cheers! Cheers.

Jack: Cheers.

Sally: So, we’ve been thinking about having kids. [all four others perform spit takes]

Dan: Nice pick on the wine, Sally.

Sally: Well, maybe next time, Dan, don’t honk the horn every thirty seconds while I’m in the store.

Dan: All right, I’ll go get another bottle. [stands and walks towards kitchen]

Sally: Ow!

Dan: What?!

Sally: [crying] You stepped on my foot!

Dan: Oh, then maybe we should call an ambulance, because that’s the noise a person makes when they break every bone in their foot.

Sally: You’re embarassing yourself.

Dan: Oh, I’m embarassing myself?! Can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?!

Sally: Absolutely!

[they both storm through swinging double doors into the kitchen]

Jack: Man, I don’t get it. They obviously hate each other.

Jack’s Wife: They’ve been like this since their wedding.

Ted’s Wife: They were like this when they were dating.

Ted: We were there the night they met. It did not go well.

[loud crash from kitchen, followed by Sally groaning and then Dan]

Jack’s Wife: Oh, my God. Jack, do something; they’re going to break our dishes!

Jack: Okay, okay! [gets up and goes through the swinging doors, but returns immediately] They’re having sex.

Ted’s Wife: Are you sure he’s not trying to kill her?

Jack: It’s impossible. She’s on top.

Ted: A second set of eyes might help. [begins to stand]

Ted’s Wife: Sit down, Ted.

Ted: Whatever you say, cupcake. [sits]

Jack’s Wife: Wow, so I guess they won’t be getting divorced.

Sally: Hey, um, sorry about that, you guys. We needed to check on the pie.

Dan: Don’t worry; it’s still terrible.

Sally: Son of a–

Dan: What?!

[jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: “Sally and Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be Divorced”] [fade]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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