Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 18
John Quiñones…..Fred Armisen
Corey Clark…..Finesse Mitchell
Paula Abdul…..Amy Poehler
Randy Jackson…..Kenan Thompson
Simon Cowell…..Chris Parnell
Mario Vasquez…..Maya Rudolph
Constantine Maroulis…..Will Forte
Ryan Seacrest…..Seth Meyers
[ open on Paula Abdul, standing alone ]
Paula Abdul: What you are about to see.. [ the audience cheers abruptly ] Listen. What you are about to see is a re-enactment of some events of this week’s biggest news story. Now, all the facts have been changed, to get laughs at my expense. I hope you enjoy it.[ dissolve to “Primetime Live” logo ]
Announcer: Tonight, on a special edition of “Primetime Live”, the shocking follow-up to our fallen “Idol” expose.[ SUPER: phone call transcripts: “Hi it’s Paula, call me back.” ] [ SUPER: phone call transcripts: “Listen if the press is trying to talk to you, you say absolutely nothing.” ]
Announcer: Former “American Idol” contestant, Corey Clark, has remembered more details about his alleged relationship with “American Idol” judge, Paula Abdul.
John Quiñones: Corey, you claim you had a sexual relationship with Paula Abdul.
Corey Clark: Yeah. Me and her were, like, sex-ally active. Yeah.
John Quiñones: We talked about it Wednesday night on TV.
Corey Clark: Yeah.
John Quiñones: Mmm-hmm. But you felt you had some more to say?
Corey Clark: Yeah. I found some more evidence, you know what I’m sayin’? Like.. [ unfolds a piece of paper ] I found this receipt, from Carl’s, Jr.
John Quiñones: [ reading from receipt ] One fish sandwich, paid for with cash. Whose cash?
Corey Clark: Paula’s cash! I didn’t have money for luxuries like that![ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]
Announcer: Was Paula Abdul feeding one contestant talents, while letting the others starve? In retrospect, it should have been obvious, from moments like this:[ dissolve to Corey Clark singing on “American Idol” ]
Corey Clark: [ singing ]“There’s a ribbon in the sky
A ribbon in the sky
There’s a ribbon in the sky, for our lo-o-ove!”
Paula Abdul: Corey, that was beautiful, you really blew me away. It’s just like I rolled over and said to you this morning: “You have real star quality.” I’ll see you at home.
Randy Jackson: You alright?
John Quiñones: Corey, why are you making all these claims now? Is this a publicity stunt for you?
Corey Clark: No, no! It’s, like, the opposite. You know what I’m sayin’? Look, I just wanna clear my name, before my record comes out, and before my book comes out! And before I startselling these t-shirts. [ holds up t-shirt; the front reads: “I did it with Paula Abdul..” with a photo of Corey smiling, the back reads: “Straight Up.” ] These are on sale at Von’s – and on my momma’s porch.
John Quiñones: Now, Corey, do you think Paula Abdul has slept with other contestants, besides you?
Corey Clark: I don’t know! I mean.. you know what I’m sayin’? I can’t think about stuff like that, because, like.. my mind is, like, not smart enough to figure that out.[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]
Announcer: Corey can’t figure it out, but can we? Look at this clip of Paula with contestant Mario Vasquez:
Mario Vasquez: [ singing ]“Just call my na-a-ame
And I’ll be the-e-e-e-ere!”
Randy Jackson: Dawg, that was hot, dawg, I was feelin’ it!
Paula Abdul: [ clapping with her arms stretched high ] Mario, you have a great voice, a great style. But I think you need to focus, on coming over to my hot tub and letting me rub your feet.[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]
Announcer: Or this clip of Paula with contestant Justin Guarini:[ dissolve to Justin Guarini singing on “American Idol” ]
Justin Guarini: [ singing ]“Celebrate good times, come on!”
Simon Cowell: Not your best. I thought it was cheesy.
Paula Abdul: I disagree. Justin, I really think you can win this competition. You have a great voice, a beautiful spirit, and you’re a tender and generous lover. Get in my car. [ mimes ] I’m gonna buy you a cell phone.[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]
Announcer: Or this emotional outburst, when Constantine Maroulis was voted off the show:[ dissolve to Constantine Maroulis singing on “American Idol” ]
Constantine Maroulis: [ singing ]“Any way the wind blo-o-ows.”[ emcee Ryan Seacrest emerges on stage next to Constantine ]
Ryan Seacrest: Great work, Constantine. You’re eliminated!
Paula Abdul: No-ho-ho! Not Constantine! Not my beautiful Constantine!
Simon Cowell: Paula! Get a hold of yourself!
Paula Abdul: Why does everyone I care about leave me! Keanu Reeves! The Lakers! M.C. Scat Cat! I can’t take any more!
Randy Jackson: Um.. you need to drink some orange juice.. or something.[ the real Paula Abdul enters the scene to critique the performances ]
Paula Abdul: Alright. Great sketch, you guys. I just got three notes. Chris, um – great impression, but you need to wear a push-up t-shirt. Kenan, uh – you need about 14 more “dawgs.” And, Amy?
Amy Poehler: Yeah?
Paula Abdul: Uh – you need to perfect the clap a little more.
Amy Poehler: Okay.
Paula Abdul: And be a lot more sexier, so that contestants will be willing to sleep with you. and, uh – be willing to admit we’re “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”