SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: Primetime Live


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Primetime Live

…..Paula Abdul
John Quiñones…..Fred Armisen
Corey Clark…..Finesse Mitchell
Paula Abdul…..Amy Poehler
Randy Jackson…..Kenan Thompson
Simon Cowell…..Chris Parnell
Mario Vasquez…..Maya Rudolph
Constantine Maroulis…..Will Forte
Ryan Seacrest…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Paula Abdul, standing alone ]

Paula Abdul: What you are about to see.. [ the audience cheers abruptly ] Listen. What you are about to see is a re-enactment of some events of this week’s biggest news story. Now, all the facts have been changed, to get laughs at my expense. I hope you enjoy it.

[ dissolve to “Primetime Live” logo ]

Announcer: Tonight, on a special edition of “Primetime Live”, the shocking follow-up to our fallen “Idol” expose.

[ SUPER: phone call transcripts: “Hi it’s Paula, call me back.” ] [ SUPER: phone call transcripts: “Listen if the press is trying to talk to you, you say absolutely nothing.” ]

Announcer: Former “American Idol” contestant, Corey Clark, has remembered more details about his alleged relationship with “American Idol” judge, Paula Abdul.

[ dissolve back to John Quiñones in sit-down interview with Corey ]

John Quiñones: Corey, you claim you had a sexual relationship with Paula Abdul.

Corey Clark: Yeah. Me and her were, like, sex-ally active. Yeah.

John Quiñones: We talked about it Wednesday night on TV.

Corey Clark: Yeah.

John Quiñones: Mmm-hmm. But you felt you had some more to say?

Corey Clark: Yeah. I found some more evidence, you know what I’m sayin’? Like.. [ unfolds a piece of paper ] I found this receipt, from Carl’s, Jr.

John Quiñones: [ reading from receipt ] One fish sandwich, paid for with cash. Whose cash?

Corey Clark: Paula’s cash! I didn’t have money for luxuries like that!

[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]

Announcer: Was Paula Abdul feeding one contestant talents, while letting the others starve? In retrospect, it should have been obvious, from moments like this:

[ dissolve to Corey Clark singing on “American Idol” ]

Corey Clark: [ singing ]“There’s a ribbon in the sky
A ribbon in the sky
There’s a ribbon in the sky, for our lo-o-ove!”

Paula Abdul: Corey, that was beautiful, you really blew me away. It’s just like I rolled over and said to you this morning: “You have real star quality.” I’ll see you at home.

Randy Jackson: You alright?

[ dissolve back to John Quiñones in sit-down interview with Corey ]

John Quiñones: Corey, why are you making all these claims now? Is this a publicity stunt for you?

Corey Clark: No, no! It’s, like, the opposite. You know what I’m sayin’? Look, I just wanna clear my name, before my record comes out, and before my book comes out! And before I startselling these t-shirts. [ holds up t-shirt; the front reads: “I did it with Paula Abdul..” with a photo of Corey smiling, the back reads: “Straight Up.” ] These are on sale at Von’s – and on my momma’s porch.

John Quiñones: Now, Corey, do you think Paula Abdul has slept with other contestants, besides you?

Corey Clark: I don’t know! I mean.. you know what I’m sayin’? I can’t think about stuff like that, because, like.. my mind is, like, not smart enough to figure that out.

[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]

Announcer: Corey can’t figure it out, but can we? Look at this clip of Paula with contestant Mario Vasquez:

[ dissolve to Mario Vasquez singing on “American Idol” ]

Mario Vasquez: [ singing ]“Just call my na-a-ame
And I’ll be the-e-e-e-ere!”

Randy Jackson: Dawg, that was hot, dawg, I was feelin’ it!

Paula Abdul: [ clapping with her arms stretched high ] Mario, you have a great voice, a great style. But I think you need to focus, on coming over to my hot tub and letting me rub your feet.

[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]

Announcer: Or this clip of Paula with contestant Justin Guarini:

[ dissolve to Justin Guarini singing on “American Idol” ]

Justin Guarini: [ singing ]“Celebrate good times, come on!”

Simon Cowell: Not your best. I thought it was cheesy.

Paula Abdul: I disagree. Justin, I really think you can win this competition. You have a great voice, a beautiful spirit, and you’re a tender and generous lover. Get in my car. [ mimes ] I’m gonna buy you a cell phone.

[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]

Announcer: Or this emotional outburst, when Constantine Maroulis was voted off the show:

[ dissolve to Constantine Maroulis singing on “American Idol” ]

Constantine Maroulis: [ singing ]“Any way the wind blo-o-ows.”

[ emcee Ryan Seacrest emerges on stage next to Constantine ]

Ryan Seacrest: Great work, Constantine. You’re eliminated!

Paula Abdul: No-ho-ho! Not Constantine! Not my beautiful Constantine!

Simon Cowell: Paula! Get a hold of yourself!

Paula Abdul: Why does everyone I care about leave me! Keanu Reeves! The Lakers! M.C. Scat Cat! I can’t take any more!

Randy Jackson: Um.. you need to drink some orange juice.. or something.

[ the real Paula Abdul enters the scene to critique the performances ]

Paula Abdul: Alright. Great sketch, you guys. I just got three notes. Chris, um – great impression, but you need to wear a push-up t-shirt. Kenan, uh – you need about 14 more “dawgs.” And, Amy?

Amy Poehler: Yeah?

Paula Abdul: Uh – you need to perfect the clap a little more.

Amy Poehler: Okay.

Paula Abdul: And be a lot more sexier, so that contestants will be willing to sleep with you. and, uh – be willing to admit we’re “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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