SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: Johnny Knoxville’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Johnny Knoxville’s Monologue

…..Johnny Knoxville
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Fred Armisen
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Amy Poehler
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Sophie Michaels
…..Don Pardo
Pardo’s Groupies…..Leo Allen, Eric Slovin
…..Seth Meyers

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Johnny Knoxville!

Johnny Knoxville: Thank you! Thank you! Wow! I’m psyched to be hosting “Saturday Night Live!” Ha ha! It’s been a total different experience than what I’m used to doing on television.

Audience Member: “Jackass”!!

Johnny Knoxville: [ laughs ] Thank you! Thank you – yes, “Jackass: The Movie.” That was some silly stuff. Good times, though. You know, but I promised my mom that I wouldn’t do dumb stuff any more, so I’m just doing serious movies now. I got “The Dukes of Hazzard” coming out later this summer. [ audience cheers ] It’s been a great week. Everyone here has made me feel really at home. Take a look!

[ dissolve to MTV-style cross-cut editing documenting “My week at SNL” ] [ dissolve to Knoxville standing among wardrobe personnel in the wardrobe room, as he’s being measured; SUPER: “the wardrobe room” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: Here I am, at the start of the week in the Wardrobe Room.

[ a wardrobe guy cups his hands underneath Knoxville’s crotch, lifts him in the air and drops him to his face on the floor ] [ dissolve to Knoxville entering the SNL office, as he shakes Fred Armisen’s hand; SUPER: “SNL offices” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: This is later that same day, meeting the cast.

[ as Knoxville leans in to shake Maya Rudolph’s hand, Fred Armisen sneaks up behind him and snaps a mousetrap on his ear. Amy Poehler then appears from behind to smack Knoxville in the back with a folding chair. Everyone laughs as Knoxville falls to the floor. ] [ dissolve to Knoxville sitting in barber’s chair as make-up is applied to his face; SUPER: “the make-up room” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: This is the make-up room.

[ cue “Psycho” music, as the outstetched hand of Horatio Sanz moves forward with an electric shaver and shaves off a patch of Knoxville’s hair. Knoxville jumps, as Horatio and the others laugh. ]

Johnny Knoxville: [ feeling around his hair ] Did he get me?

[ dissolve to Knoxville in Lorne Michaels’ office, with Lorne and his young daughter; SUPER: “lorne’s office” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: Now, here’s my meeting with Lorne Michaels.

Johnny Knoxville: Aw, is this your daughter?

Lorne Michaels: This is Sophie. She’s a big fan of your movie.

Johnny Knoxville: Aww..

[ Knoxville laughs as he leans forward, and is quickly tazered by Lorne’s daughter. Knoxville again falls to the floor. ]

Lorne Michaels: Is that your brother’s stun gun?

[ dissolve to Knoxville entering the hall and crossing paths with Don Pardo, as crew members look on; SUPER: “meeting don pardo” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: And this is cool – just an hour ago, I got to meet Don Pardo!

[ Don Pardo parades down the hal with two male groupies in tow ]

Johnny Knoxville: Hey, Don Pardo! Oh, wow! [ shakes Don’s hand ]

Don Pardo: Johnny Knoxville! Nice to meet you. [ raises his leg and kicks Knoxville in the groin ] [ dissolve back to Home Base ]

Johnny Knoxville: Man, I love Don Pardo. There you have it! That’s how my week has been. I’m not complaining, I’m hosting “Saturday Night live.” We’ve got a great show —

[ from out of the blue, Seth Meyers tackles Knoxville to the floor. Both men quickly jump back onto their feet. ]

Seth Meyers: Great show tonight!

Johnny Knoxville: Yeah! System of a Down is here. [ gives Seth Meyers a backhanded slap in the crotch ]

Seth Meyers: Oh! [ bends forward to the floor ]

Johnny Knoxville: Stick around, we’ll be right back!

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