SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: Johnny Knoxville’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Johnny Knoxville’s Monologue

…..Johnny Knoxville
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Fred Armisen
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Amy Poehler
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Sophie Michaels
…..Don Pardo
Pardo’s Groupies…..Leo Allen, Eric Slovin
…..Seth Meyers

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Johnny Knoxville!

Johnny Knoxville: Thank you! Thank you! Wow! I’m psyched to be hosting “Saturday Night Live!” Ha ha! It’s been a total different experience than what I’m used to doing on television.

Audience Member: “Jackass”!!

Johnny Knoxville: [ laughs ] Thank you! Thank you – yes, “Jackass: The Movie.” That was some silly stuff. Good times, though. You know, but I promised my mom that I wouldn’t do dumb stuff any more, so I’m just doing serious movies now. I got “The Dukes of Hazzard” coming out later this summer. [ audience cheers ] It’s been a great week. Everyone here has made me feel really at home. Take a look!

[ dissolve to MTV-style cross-cut editing documenting “My week at SNL” ] [ dissolve to Knoxville standing among wardrobe personnel in the wardrobe room, as he’s being measured; SUPER: “the wardrobe room” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: Here I am, at the start of the week in the Wardrobe Room.

[ a wardrobe guy cups his hands underneath Knoxville’s crotch, lifts him in the air and drops him to his face on the floor ] [ dissolve to Knoxville entering the SNL office, as he shakes Fred Armisen’s hand; SUPER: “SNL offices” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: This is later that same day, meeting the cast.

[ as Knoxville leans in to shake Maya Rudolph’s hand, Fred Armisen sneaks up behind him and snaps a mousetrap on his ear. Amy Poehler then appears from behind to smack Knoxville in the back with a folding chair. Everyone laughs as Knoxville falls to the floor. ] [ dissolve to Knoxville sitting in barber’s chair as make-up is applied to his face; SUPER: “the make-up room” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: This is the make-up room.

[ cue “Psycho” music, as the outstetched hand of Horatio Sanz moves forward with an electric shaver and shaves off a patch of Knoxville’s hair. Knoxville jumps, as Horatio and the others laugh. ]

Johnny Knoxville: [ feeling around his hair ] Did he get me?

[ dissolve to Knoxville in Lorne Michaels’ office, with Lorne and his young daughter; SUPER: “lorne’s office” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: Now, here’s my meeting with Lorne Michaels.

Johnny Knoxville: Aw, is this your daughter?

Lorne Michaels: This is Sophie. She’s a big fan of your movie.

Johnny Knoxville: Aww..

[ Knoxville laughs as he leans forward, and is quickly tazered by Lorne’s daughter. Knoxville again falls to the floor. ]

Lorne Michaels: Is that your brother’s stun gun?

[ dissolve to Knoxville entering the hall and crossing paths with Don Pardo, as crew members look on; SUPER: “meeting don pardo” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: And this is cool – just an hour ago, I got to meet Don Pardo!

[ Don Pardo parades down the hal with two male groupies in tow ]

Johnny Knoxville: Hey, Don Pardo! Oh, wow! [ shakes Don’s hand ]

Don Pardo: Johnny Knoxville! Nice to meet you. [ raises his leg and kicks Knoxville in the groin ] [ dissolve back to Home Base ]

Johnny Knoxville: Man, I love Don Pardo. There you have it! That’s how my week has been. I’m not complaining, I’m hosting “Saturday Night live.” We’ve got a great show —

[ from out of the blue, Seth Meyers tackles Knoxville to the floor. Both men quickly jump back onto their feet. ]

Seth Meyers: Great show tonight!

Johnny Knoxville: Yeah! System of a Down is here. [ gives Seth Meyers a backhanded slap in the crotch ]

Seth Meyers: Oh! [ bends forward to the floor ]

Johnny Knoxville: Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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