SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: Channel 5 Late Night Movie


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Channel 5 Late Night Movie

Zarton…..Johnny Knoxville
Zebulon…..Chris Parnell
Human…..Will Forte
Jackson…..Kenan Thompson

[open on stock footage of a city at night with superimposed searchlights with title: “Channel 5 Late Night Movie”]

Voice Over: Welcome back to Channel Five’s late night movie, “Visitors From Another Planet.”

[dissolve to spaceship seen from space against backdrop of stars] [dissolve to interior of spaceship with Zebulon and Jackson, who are aliens; all aliens wear silver spacesuits and have large craniums with three vertical ridges]

Zarton: [is an alien, entering with a man] Zebulon, I brought the Earthling I captured earlier today.

Zebulon: Excellent work, Zarton.

Human: I can’t believe I got kidnapped by Martians!

Zebulon: Martians? No, we are from the planet Plargon 7.

Zarton: I told you they weren’t a very intelligent species.

Zebulon: Fear not, human. We are a peaceful people, and I am sure you must have many question.

Human: Yeah, uh, did you guys build the pyramids.

Zebulon: Yes. We helped to construct your Great Pyramids many thousands of years ago.

Human: How about those crop circles?

Jackson: [sitting at console] The crop circles you speak of are manmade.

Human: Hmmm…oh, I got a good question. Why do you guys always anally probe people?

Jackson: What’s that? [stands]

Human: You know, when someone gets abducted they always get anally probed. Why?

[Zarton grimaces uncomfortably]

Zebulon: Uh, we don’t anally probe people.

Zarton: Q & A’s over. We should get out of here, Ace.

Zebulon: Zarton! What is he talking about?

Zarton: I don’t know. He’s probably got space sickness or something. Don’t worry, though. I’ll get him out of here.

Human: I just want to know why I got probed.

Zebulon: Wait. You were anally probed?

Human: Yeah, he said it was some kind of medical experiment.

Zebulon: Zarton?

Zarton: Why would I be doing a medical experiment? I’m not a doctor.

Human: He used that long, metallic test tube he carries he carries in his spacesuit.

Zebulon: Bad news. That wasn’t a test tube.

Human: Ah, well, that explains the scented candles and the Kenny Rogers music.

Jackson: Oh, man, you are so busted!

Zarton: All right, but look how he was dressed. He was asking for it.

Zebulon: He’s wearing overalls.

Zarton: Yeah, but he had one strap hanging down, and he was looking over his shoulder at me like that. [he acts all this out with his body language]

Zebulon: This is inexcusable, Zarton.

Zarton: Give me a break. I thought what happened on Earth, stayed on Earth.

Zebulon: Don’t they have females on Earth?

Zarton: Yes, but they’re one hundred feet tall, and strong, and hard to catch. [to human] Just go with me on this one.

Human: I’m not covering for you. You probed me!

Zebulon: You are a disgrace, Zarton. Consider yourself on immediate suspension from the Plargon Fleet.

Human: Ha-ha, you got busted. [chuckles]

Jackson: I don’t know what you’re laughing about. You’re the one who got probed.

Zebulon: Enough! Earthling, we will now send you back to your planet.

Zarton: Okay, I’ll take him back.

Zebulon: Not you, Zarton. I’m talking to Jackson.

Jackson: Oh, you got it boss.

Zebulon: But before you go, Earthling, I am sorry for any trouble Zarton has caused. And as a show of good faith, I will grant you the knowledge to solve the hunger problem that plagues your planet.

Human: Thank you, Zebulon. And even though we’re from different planets, you’ve shown me that good will can exist across the Universe.

Zebulon: Just go with Jackson in the library, and he’ll provide you with all that you need.

[Jackson and the human exit stage left]

Human: [from offstage] Why are there so many candles in here?

[Kenny Rogers’ “Lady” begins to play]

Zebulon: Kenny Rogers music always puts me in the mood.

Zarton: I told you these Earthlings are gullible.

Zebulon: Good job, Zarton.

[Zarton and Zebulon exit stage left, Zebulon unzipping his suit]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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