Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 18
Channel 5 Late Night Movie
[open on stock footage of a city at night with superimposed searchlights with title: “Channel 5 Late Night Movie”]
Voice Over: Welcome back to Channel Five’s late night movie, “Visitors From Another Planet.”[dissolve to spaceship seen from space against backdrop of stars] [dissolve to interior of spaceship with Zebulon and Jackson, who are aliens; all aliens wear silver spacesuits and have large craniums with three vertical ridges]
Zarton: [is an alien, entering with a man] Zebulon, I brought the Earthling I captured earlier today.
Zebulon: Excellent work, Zarton.
Human: I can’t believe I got kidnapped by Martians!
Zebulon: Martians? No, we are from the planet Plargon 7.
Zarton: I told you they weren’t a very intelligent species.
Zebulon: Fear not, human. We are a peaceful people, and I am sure you must have many question.
Human: Yeah, uh, did you guys build the pyramids.
Zebulon: Yes. We helped to construct your Great Pyramids many thousands of years ago.
Human: How about those crop circles?
Jackson: [sitting at console] The crop circles you speak of are manmade.
Human: Hmmm…oh, I got a good question. Why do you guys always anally probe people?
Jackson: What’s that? [stands]
Human: You know, when someone gets abducted they always get anally probed. Why?[Zarton grimaces uncomfortably]
Zebulon: Uh, we don’t anally probe people.
Zarton: Q & A’s over. We should get out of here, Ace.
Zebulon: Zarton! What is he talking about?
Zarton: I don’t know. He’s probably got space sickness or something. Don’t worry, though. I’ll get him out of here.
Human: I just want to know why I got probed.
Zebulon: Wait. You were anally probed?
Human: Yeah, he said it was some kind of medical experiment.
Zarton: Why would I be doing a medical experiment? I’m not a doctor.
Human: He used that long, metallic test tube he carries he carries in his spacesuit.
Zebulon: Bad news. That wasn’t a test tube.
Human: Ah, well, that explains the scented candles and the Kenny Rogers music.
Jackson: Oh, man, you are so busted!
Zarton: All right, but look how he was dressed. He was asking for it.
Zebulon: He’s wearing overalls.
Zarton: Yeah, but he had one strap hanging down, and he was looking over his shoulder at me like that. [he acts all this out with his body language]
Zebulon: This is inexcusable, Zarton.
Zarton: Give me a break. I thought what happened on Earth, stayed on Earth.
Zebulon: Don’t they have females on Earth?
Zarton: Yes, but they’re one hundred feet tall, and strong, and hard to catch. [to human] Just go with me on this one.
Human: I’m not covering for you. You probed me!
Zebulon: You are a disgrace, Zarton. Consider yourself on immediate suspension from the Plargon Fleet.
Human: Ha-ha, you got busted. [chuckles]
Jackson: I don’t know what you’re laughing about. You’re the one who got probed.
Zebulon: Enough! Earthling, we will now send you back to your planet.
Zarton: Okay, I’ll take him back.
Zebulon: Not you, Zarton. I’m talking to Jackson.
Jackson: Oh, you got it boss.
Zebulon: But before you go, Earthling, I am sorry for any trouble Zarton has caused. And as a show of good faith, I will grant you the knowledge to solve the hunger problem that plagues your planet.
Human: Thank you, Zebulon. And even though we’re from different planets, you’ve shown me that good will can exist across the Universe.
Zebulon: Just go with Jackson in the library, and he’ll provide you with all that you need.[Jackson and the human exit stage left]
Human: [from offstage] Why are there so many candles in here?[Kenny Rogers’ “Lady” begins to play]
Zebulon: Kenny Rogers music always puts me in the mood.
Zarton: I told you these Earthlings are gullible.
Zebulon: Good job, Zarton.[Zarton and Zebulon exit stage left, Zebulon unzipping his suit]
Submitted by: DavidK93