Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 18
Hunt Linear…..Johnny Knoxville
Jennifer Tuttle…..Amy Poehler
Gifford McGill…..Will Forte
Albert Jarmon…..Rob Riggle
Dr. Courtney Phelps…..Maya Rufolph
Stuart Tisdale…..Fred Armisen
Craig Balderston…..Kenan Thompson
Evan Martin…..Darrell Hammond
Anne Hasenzahl…..Rachel Dratch
Ernesto Diaz…..Horatio Sanz
Deborah Shea…..Tina Fey
Gary Stevens…..Seth Meyers
Elliot Winslow…..Finesse Mitchell
Jim Sizemore…..Chris Parnell
Andrew Donnely…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on Hunt and Jennifer sitting at the news desk ]
Announcer: And now – Action News. With Hunt Linear and Jennifer Tuttle. And the award-winning Action News team.
[ cut to Gifford McGill, pounding his fist into a basebal mitt as he turns to give a wide smile to the camera ]
Announcer: Gifford McGill, with Sports.
[ cut to Albert Jarmon, holding aclosed umbrella and smiling to the camera as he pretends to hold his hand out to check for rain ]
Announcer: Albert Jarmon, with the weather.
[ cut to Dr. Courtney Phelps, clinging onto her stethoscope as she turns to give a wide smile to the camera ]
Announcer: And Dr. Courtney Phelps, with the health watch.
[ cut back to Hunt and Jennifer shuffling their papers at the news desk ]
[ cut to Stuart Tisdale munching on a bag of popcorn ]
Announcer: A movie review, from Stuart Tisdale.
[ cut to Craig Balderston crunching numbers on an adding machine ]
Announcer: Craig Balderston, the Market Watch.
[ cut to Evan Martin repairing the back of a giant robot and smiling for the camera ]
Announcer: Evan Martin’s Technology Report.
[ cut to Anne Hasenzahl holding up a dress and grinning at the camera ]
Announcer: Anne Hasenzahl, with the “Fashion Forecast.”
[ cut to sunglasses-clad Ernesto Diaz, who turns to smile at the camera and wave a Puerto Rican flag ]
Announcer: Ernesto Diaz, with a Puerto Rican round-up.
[ cut to Deborah Shea, holding up a lit birthday cake as she smiles at the camera ]
Announcer: Deborah Shea, with celebrity birthdays.
[ cut to Gary Stevens, holding a monkey against his chest and a parakeet cage in his left hand ]
Announcer: Gary Stevens, with parakeets and monkeys.
[ cut to Elliot Winslow, displaying a tray of gourmet food ]
Announcer: Elliot Winslow, the Budget Gourmet.
[ cut to demented-looking Jim Sizemore, holding a can of gasoline in one hand and a burnt clock in the other hand ]
Announcer: Jim Sizemore, with I’m Going to Burn Down A Clock Factory.
[ cut to bow tie-clad c, looking smart and stately as he glances at thecamera ]
Announcer: And Andrew Donnely, with a Washington Report.
[ cut back to Hunt and Jennifer at the news desk ]
Hunt Linear: Good evening. I’m Hunt Linear. Tonight’s top story: a three-alarm fire rages through the Oakwood Street clock factory. This is the fourth clock factory that’s burned down this month, and police say they’re finally closing in on the arsonist. I say.. it’s about time! [ chuckles profusely ]
[ Jennifer Tuttle laughs along with Hunt Linear ]
[ Gifford McGill also laughs ]
[ Albert Jarmon also laughs ]
Dr. Courtney Phelps: [ wiping back a tear ] Good one!
[ Stuart Tisdale claps his hands as he laughs ]
[ Craig Balderston pounds the desk as he laughs ] “It’s about time!”
[ Evan Martin taps his wrench to his forehead as he chuckles ]
[ Anne Hasenzahl makes a delayed laugh ]
[ Ernesto Diaz still waving his flag ] Ha ha ha! That’s funny!
[ Deborah Shea makes a loud, monkey-like laugh ]
[ Gary Stevens laughs as he looks up and down at his monkey ]
[ Elliot Winslow snorts as he laughs ]
[ Jim Sizemore laughs maniacally as he sits in front of “I’m Going To Burn Down A Clock Factory” graphic ]
[ Andrew Donnely purses his lips in fear as he realizes Jim Sizemore is obviously the perpetrator, but gives in and laughs politely anyway ]
Hunt Linear: Oh my! We have to break for a commercial.
Jennifer Tuttle: Yes.
Hunt Linear: But, when we return, a live report from the burning clock factory from our Action News field team ]
[ each team member graphic slides onto the screen, overlapping one another ]
Announcer: Phyllis Stevenson and Arnie Subolski. And Randall Trent. And Alice Kendricks. And Melissa Boone. And Davis Chapnow. And Frankie Rodriguez. And Alexander Cantrell. And..
[ fade ]