SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18








04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
…..Will Forte
…..Patti Forte
Ritchie B…..Fred Armisen
Marcus…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:

This week, British Prime Minister Tony Blair was reelected to arecord-setting third term as George Bush’s bitch.

Tina Fey: Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, who faked her owndisappearance four days before her wedding, says she still intends tomarry her fiancée, and that she “cannot wait to be called ‘Mrs. JohnMason,’” as in “Mrs. John Mason, we have some questions about yourhusband’s murder.” [imitating Jennifer’s wide-eyed stare] That ladylooks like me.

Britney Spears’ and Kevin Federline’s new reality series will be called“Britney and Kevin: Chaotic,” because somebody already used “BeverlyHillbillies.” [applause]

Amy Poehler: Us Weekly is reporting that Britney Spears’child will be a boy, or as Kevin Federline calls it, “a boiiiieeeeee!!”

Tina Fey: Now here with a special commentary on Mother’s Day ismy second-favorite cast member, Will Forte!

[pan to Will; applause]

Will Forte: Thank you, Tina! Thank you. [clears his throat] Asyou all know, Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and we here at “Saturday NightLive” would like to wish mothers everywhere a wonderful day. And on amore personal note, there’s someone very special to me that I’d like towish a happy Mother’s Day, and she happens to be with us tonight, so ifyou don’t mind, I’d like to bring her out. [looks to his right] Mom?

[Mrs. Patti Forte enters to cheers and applause. She waves to Amy andTina. Will puts his arm around her shoulder]

Amy Poehler: Hi, Mrs. Forte!

Tina Fey: Good to see you!

Will Forte: Mom, uh, you know, in life they say you can’t pickyour mother, but if I could pick my mother, I would definitely pick you.

Patti Forte: Oh, thank you! [“aww”s from the audience]

Will Forte: And I- I wrote you a special Mother’s Day song. Sojust sit back, relax, and allow me to- to honor the best mother in theentire world. [piano intro begins]

Mom, you are a truly special lady.
You’re the best mother a mother could be.
You’re smart, you’re pretty, you’re an absolute joy,
And I’m really gonna miss you, when you’re dead.

[Patti gives Will a puzzled look]

Mom, I’m gonna miss you when you’re dead.
We’ve had such a wonderful life together.
And when that grim reaper comes to take you away,
There will be nothing I can do, to stop him.

I will cry an endless stream of tears over your coffin,
Which will be the cheapest coffin money can buy—

[aside] ‘Cause you’re not materialistic, and that’s what I love about you—

And when we cover you in dirt, never to return,
I will think fondly as we’re selling your crap.

[Patti is clearly confused at this point]

Oh Mom, I’m gonna miss you when you’re dead.
You were one hell of a chick to grow inside of!
I wish I had told you that I loved you before you died,
But I guess I’ll never have that chance.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Patti Forte: [still bewildered] Thanks.

Tina Fey: Will and Patti Forte, everybody! [Will and Patti hug to cheers and applause] Will and Patti Forte.

Amy Poehler: In order to help police manage aggressive begging in Minneapolis, officials are attempting to license panhandlers in thecity, although anyone who has it together enough to get a panhandling license, should probably just get a job.

Tina Fey: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s popularityhas been slipping in recent months, as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor.

Amy Poehler: It was reported that while vacationing together inKenya, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise while makinglove, the hotel staff rushed to the room because it sounded like awounded animal. OK, we get it, Angelina Jolie, you’re betterthan every woman at everything! You’re prettier, you’re sexier,you’re covered in exotic tattoos.

But let me tell you something, Jolie: I will find your weakness, OK? And when I do, I’m gonna climb up those legs of yours, and I’m gonnaslap that queen-size futon you call a mouth. [cheers and applause] Letme ask you this, Jolie: Did you ever win Burlington, Massachusetts’Babysitter of the Month? What’s that? No? ‘Cause I did, socall me when you do, hotshot! Back to you, Tina. [more applause]

Tina Fey: Uh, this just in: Angelina Jolie has been namedBurlington, Massachusetts’ Babysitter of the Month. [applause]

Amy Poehler: Dammit!

Tina Fey: Last week, “Insider” host Pat O’ Brien took part in aprimetime interview on CBS with Dr. Phil, to discuss his recent stay inrehab for drug and alcohol problems. The program was later rebroadcaston FOX as “The World’s Most Dangerous Moustaches.”

Amy Poehler: In a show of support on Wednesday night’s program,five “American Idol” finalists presented Paula Abdul with two hugebouquets of flowers. And it worked: she slept with all of them!

Tina Fey: New images taken of an object five times the mass ofJupiter confirmed that it is a giant planet closely orbiting a distantstar, and not, as I first reported, yo’ mama. I apologize.

Amy Poehler: Here with his humorous take on the world is a manwho as is funny as he is in- inspiring. Please join me in welcomingdeaf comedian Ritchie B, and his interpreter, Marcus.

[pan to Ritchie B and Marcus. Applause. Ritchie begins to sign]

Marcus: [watching Ritchie B] Uh, what’s up, New York, let’s hearyou make some noise!

[cheers and applause]

Oh, come on, you’ve got to do better than that, I’m deaf! [Moreapplause. Marcus speaks to Ritchie B] Good job, man! Really good job,you’re doing great.

[Ritchie B beams. After a moment, he starts signing again]

So my girlfriend just broke up with me. She said I wasn’t listening toher needs. I said, “How can I? I’m deaf!” [Less reaction fromaudience. Marcus indicates that the joke didn’t go so well. Ritchie Bsigns again]

What’s in the news? Hmm… I see that the crime rate is going up. Youknow how to stop black people from doing crime? [Ritchie B continues tosign] …Throw them a basketball.

[Marcus gives Ritchie B a disappointed look] Hey, hey Ritchie. That’snot cool. Not cool. [Ritchie B signs again] What else? Uh, did youhear that Chanel just came out with a new fragrance for black people?

[After a few seconds of excited grinning, Ritchie B starts to mimiceating a watermelon. Applause. Marcus taps Ritchie B on the shoulder] Hey! No way, I’m not saying that! That’s terrible! Now do one morejoke, and then we’ll go.

[Ritchie B signs] Why do black people love— [Ritchie B is clearlymimicking a black person. Marcus gives up] Alright, you know what? I’m not gonna say this one, but I do have a joke for you: Ritchie B’sjohnson is so small, technically it’s a third nipple. [to Ritchie B] Great job! They love you, man. Give it up, Ritchie B!

Amy Poehler: Ritchie B and Marcus, everybody! [Cheers andapplause. Ritchie B mouths “Thank you”]

Tina Fey: The man who inspired Seinfeld’s Soup Nazicharacter is looking to open a thousand soup franchises nationwide. Way to strike while the iron is hot, dude!

Amy Poehler: A school superintendent in Michigan banned theMcCord Middle School Band from performing the song “Louie, Louie,”because of its allegedly raunchy lyrics. The superintendent has alsobanned the clarinet, because it just don’t look right.

Nike announced that it will no longer sell its sneakers and othermerchandise at Sears. Fortunately, Sears will continue to carry all the other tope brands, like Apidas, Reebork, BlueBalance, and of course, Bobos.

[Piano intro starts as Tina and Amy get up to sing and dance. Amyclimbs on top of her chair]

Tina, Amy: Bobos—they make your feet feel fine!
Bobos—they cost a dollar ninety-nine!
Bobos—they’re made by hobos!
So get your hobos their Bobos, todayyyy!

[cheers and applause; Tina and Amy return to their seats]

Tina Fey: A student at MIT is planning to host a time-travelerparty on campus, and is hoping that people from the future will travelback for the event. Unfortunately, people in the future already knowthat the party sucked. [some applause]

Amy Poehler: An anti-wrinkle facial moisturizer that is made outof semen, is being produced in Mexico. [chuckles] Mexico, huh? God only knows what’s in it! …Oh right, semen.

The moisturizer will be used to make more moisturizer. [Delayed reaction from audience]

Tina Fey: Remember, uh, tomorrow is—

Amy Poehler: They’re getting it!

Tina Fey: It’s a thinker.

Remember, tomorrow is Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to TiVo the rest ofthe show while you go online and look for crappy flowers.

And, uh, finally tonight, on a serious note, “Weekend Update” foundingeditor Herb Sargent passed away this week. Uh, here he is with ChevyChase, back in the day. [photo of Herb on the original “Update” set]

Amy Poehler: All of us, we’ll miss you very much, Herb.

Tina Fey: We wouldn’t be here without you.

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina and Amy turn to converse with each other; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

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