SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
May 14th, 2005

Will Ferrell

Queens of the Stone Age

None

Lorne Michaels

Steve Higgins
Will’s ThoughtsSummary: Back to host at last, Will Ferrell feels awkward walking among the people he once worked with and tries to put on a happy face.

Transcript

Montage

Will Ferrell’s MonologueSummary: Will Ferrell admits he’s nervous about hosting, then sings “On A Clear Day You Can See Forever”, makes odd banter with an audience member (Steve Higgins), and finally pees his pants.

Transcript

Celebritiy JeopardySummary: Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell) contends with more celebrity hijinks from Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond), Sharon Osbourne (Amy Poehler) and Bill Cosby (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Bill Cosby, Sharon Osbourne, Sean Connery.

Transcript

Oracle Conclave 2005Summary: Executive James Filau (Will Ferrell) suffers gaffes and mishaps during this year’s Oracle Conclave.

Transcript

Para Tri-CyclenSummary: The perfect birth control pill for the excessively sexually-active woman (Amy Poehler) on the run.

Artsy ApartmentSummary: Troubled by the leak coming from above their basement apartment, tenants Greg (Seth Meyers) and Susan (Rachel Dratch) meet their strange upstairs neighbors Nuni (Fred Armisen), Nuni (Maya Rudolph) and their son Nuni (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.

Queens of the Stone Age performs “Little Sister”Bio: members: Josh Homme, Joey Castillo, Alain Johannes, Van Leeuwan, Mark Lanegan. Homme was a former member of stoner rock group, Kyuss, which reformed as the original incarnation of Queens of the Stone Age.

Note: Will Ferrell reprises his one-time role as Gene Frenkle, who joins Queens of the Stone Age on cowbell.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: U.N. nominee John Bolton’s assistant, Steven Ainsley (Seth Meyers), defends his boss’ temper while secretly fearing for his life.

Transcript

Grind!Summary: When a college student (Will Ferrell) decides to quit his studies to work full-time as a waiter, Dr. Roberts (Will Forte) decides to show him what discipline and hard work is all about by making him grind pepper non-stop over his dinner salad.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel parodies “Shazzan”, another old cartoon from the Hanna-Barbara series. After rescuing the Flaming Ruby of Taruba, Shazzang goes overboard destroying the Arabian enemy, even beyond the point of death, and ultimately disturbing the children who held his power in awe.

Transcript

Goulet Ring TonesSummary: Robert Goulet (Will Ferrell) finds a new niche for his singing talents, lending his voice to cell phone ring tones.

Recurring Characters: Robert Goulet.

Going 2 C MoviesSummary: Terrye Funck (Chris Parnell) and Vasquez (Horatio Sanz) team up to give movie reviews. Their friend Levi (Will Ferrell) stops by to give them leftover videotapes from the movie rental store he works at.

Recurring Characters: Terrye Funck, Vasquez.

Transcript

Queens of the Stone Age performs “In My Head”Lyrics

LuxurySummary: Eccentrically dressed in an eyepatch, a man claiming to be a Jaguar voiceover man and a spy for the Swiss government (Will Ferrell) hits on an exotic woman (Maya Rudolph) in a bar, presuming her to be his contact.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Love-ahsSummary: Professors Roger (Will Ferrell) and Virginia (Rachel Dratch) go camping in the wild with two of their students (Seth Meyers, Maya Rudolph) and only one tent and sleeping bag betwixt them.

Recurring Characters: Roger Klarvin, Virginia Klarvin.

Variety VaultSummary: Another presentation of an unaired “Lundford Twins (Fred Armisen, Will Ferrell) Feel Good Variety Hour” from decades past.

Recurring Characters: Henry Quincy Lundford, Lucas Lundford, Granny Crabtree.

Mexican FiestaSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.

Bear CitySummary: Bears ride in an elevator.

Haunted HouseSummary: Teenagers (Fred Armisen, Rachel Dratch, Jason Sudeikis, Seth Meyers) visit a haunted house just so they can mock the crappy belongings left behind by the geeky ghost (Will Ferrell) living there.

Restraining OrderSummary: In a short film by Scott Wainio, a man (Scott Wainio) receives a restraining order.

Marvin Linder, Attorney-at-LawSummary: Attorney Marvin Linder (Will Ferrell) specializes in defenses cases for people who find weird objects in their food.

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