SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Will’s Thoughts


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Will’s Thoughts

…..Will Ferrell
…..Tina Fey
…..Chris Parnell
…..Amy Poehler
…..Finesse Mitchell
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on backstage hallway at Studio 8-H. Taking her cue, Tina Fey begins walking down the hall as she clutches her bottled water and pretends to read from this week’s script. ]

Will Ferrell: Hey, Tina. How close are we to air?

Tina Fey: Oh, about ten minutes, but, uh.. Jen will come get you.

Will Ferrell: Thank God. Isn’t it weird, me being in the host’s dressing room?

Tina Fey: [ laughs condescendingly ] Don’t be nervous, it’s gonna be great! [ continues walking down the hall ]

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Don’t be nervous? What the hell does that mean? How about: “No, Will, it’s not weird at all. You’re a big star now.” Dumb bitch!

[ Will walks down the hall, running into Chris Parnell ]

Chris Parnell: Hey, Will.

Will Ferrell: Hey.

Chris Parnell: I found this old picture of us from the Cowbell sketch, and I got it framed for you.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Oh, man, what is this guy’s name? I worked with him for five years..

Chris Parnell: I like it because we all look so serious in it, you know?

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Lance?

Will Ferrell: [ laughs ] That’s true!

Chris Parnell: Yeah.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Dick? Glen. Maybe it’s Glen.

Chris Parnell: Well, it’s just great to see you again.

Will Ferrell: Hey. You too, chief.

[ they hug. Parnell exits in one direction down the hall, and Will exits in the other direction. ]

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Whoo! Nice save. Lance did not suspect a thing.

[ Will runs into Amy Poehler ]

Amy Poehler: Hey! Hey, Will.

Will Ferrell: Oh, hey.

Amy Poehler: I saw “Kicking & Screaming.” It was great. Mike Ditka was hilarious!

Will Ferrell: Yeah, yeah, he was great.

Amy Poehler’s Thoughts: Huh? Let me remember – was Mike Ditka in the cast with you? Because I was, and I don’t seem to remember getting a part in that movie.

Will Ferrell: Well, thanks again. I’m really sorry you got cut out of “Anchorman.” You know, that’s the director’s decision.

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God. Don’t worry about it!

Amy Poehler’s Thoughts: Suck on it, Ron Burgundy!

Amy Poehler: Break a leg.

Will Ferrell: Okay.

[ Amy exits down the hall, as Will prepares a cup of coffee ] [ Finesse Mitchell steps forward ]

Finesse Mitchell: Hey, Will.

Will Ferrell: Oh, hey, what’s up?

Finesse Mitchell: Not much. Listen, I saw in Entertainment Weekly —

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: This is Finesse, do not call him Kenan!

Finesse Mitchell: I said, I saw in Entertainment Weekly that you just did a movie with Nicole Kidman.

Will Ferrell: Uh-huh.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.

Finesse Mitchell: Well, you know, since you’re married and I’m not, I was just wondering if it would be cool if I asked you for Nicole’s number?

Will Ferrell: Oh, totally. It’s, uh.. it’s 310 —

Finesse Mitchell: 310 —

Will Ferrell: 555 —

Finesse Mitchell: 555 —

Will Ferrell: 0123456789..

Finesse Mitchell: That’s too many digits.

Will Ferrell: No, no, no. Movie stars get special —

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.

Will Ferrell: They get longer phone numbers.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.

Will Ferrell: Because, when you’re famous, you want it to be harder for people to call you.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.

Will Ferrell: I’ll see you out there, Kenan.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Dammit!

[ Will exits down the hall, as Finesse pays $5 to a happy Kenan Thompson ]

Kenan Thompson: See, I told you he ain’t know the difference!

[ as Will exits down the hall, he’s approached on the opposite end by Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Will! Will! Will.

[ Will quickly turns back in the direction he came from, a look of horror on his face ]

Lorne Michaels: How are you?

Will Ferrell: Oh.. uh.. great.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Oh, brother.. this guy.

Lorne Michaels: You know, hosting for the first time after being in the cast can feel a litle weird.

Will Ferrell: Uh-huh.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: There he goes.

Lorne Michaels: I remember the first time that Chevy came back, things were tense.

Will Ferrell: Right, right..

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: He is not gonna stop talking.

Lorne Michaels: But, on the second time there was enough distance.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: He is not going to stop.

Lorne Michaels: I think even Spade found it awkward the first time he did it.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Must find a way out of this conversation..

Lorne Michaels: Because you feel that no one wants you to succeed, but they really do.

Will Ferrell: Oh, uh.. hey, Lorne – look! [ points behind Lorne ] [ Lorne turns to look, as Will leans toward the camera ]

Will Ferrell: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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