Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 19
04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age
Will’s Thoughts
…..Will Ferrell
…..Tina Fey
…..Chris Parnell
…..Amy Poehler
…..Finesse Mitchell
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Lorne Michaels
[ open on backstage hallway at Studio 8-H. Taking her cue, Tina Fey begins walking down the hall as she clutches her bottled water and pretends to read from this week’s script. ]
Will Ferrell: Hey, Tina. How close are we to air?
Tina Fey: Oh, about ten minutes, but, uh.. Jen will come get you.
Will Ferrell: Thank God. Isn’t it weird, me being in the host’s dressing room?
Tina Fey: [ laughs condescendingly ] Don’t be nervous, it’s gonna be great! [ continues walking down the hall ]
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Don’t be nervous? What the hell does that mean? How about: “No, Will, it’s not weird at all. You’re a big star now.” Dumb bitch!
[ Will walks down the hall, running into Chris Parnell ]
Chris Parnell: Hey, Will.
Will Ferrell: Hey.
Chris Parnell: I found this old picture of us from the Cowbell sketch, and I got it framed for you.
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Oh, man, what is this guy’s name? I worked with him for five years..
Chris Parnell: I like it because we all look so serious in it, you know?
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Lance?
Will Ferrell: [ laughs ] That’s true!
Chris Parnell: Yeah.
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Dick? Glen. Maybe it’s Glen.
Chris Parnell: Well, it’s just great to see you again.
Will Ferrell: Hey. You too, chief.
[ they hug. Parnell exits in one direction down the hall, and Will exits in the other direction. ]
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Whoo! Nice save. Lance did not suspect a thing.
[ Will runs into Amy Poehler ]
Amy Poehler: Hey! Hey, Will.
Will Ferrell: Oh, hey.
Amy Poehler: I saw “Kicking & Screaming.” It was great. Mike Ditka was hilarious!
Will Ferrell: Yeah, yeah, he was great.
Amy Poehler’s Thoughts: Huh? Let me remember – was Mike Ditka in the cast with you? Because I was, and I don’t seem to remember getting a part in that movie.
Will Ferrell: Well, thanks again. I’m really sorry you got cut out of “Anchorman.” You know, that’s the director’s decision.
Amy Poehler: Oh, my God. Don’t worry about it!
Amy Poehler’s Thoughts: Suck on it, Ron Burgundy!
Amy Poehler: Break a leg.
Will Ferrell: Okay.
[ Amy exits down the hall, as Will prepares a cup of coffee ]
[ Finesse Mitchell steps forward ]
Finesse Mitchell: Hey, Will.
Will Ferrell: Oh, hey, what’s up?
Finesse Mitchell: Not much. Listen, I saw in Entertainment Weekly —
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: This is Finesse, do not call him Kenan!
Finesse Mitchell: I said, I saw in Entertainment Weekly that you just did a movie with Nicole Kidman.
Will Ferrell: Uh-huh.
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.
Finesse Mitchell: Well, you know, since you’re married and I’m not, I was just wondering if it would be cool if I asked you for Nicole’s number?
Will Ferrell: Oh, totally. It’s, uh.. it’s 310 —
Finesse Mitchell: 310 —
Will Ferrell: 555 —
Finesse Mitchell: 555 —
Will Ferrell: 0123456789..
Finesse Mitchell: That’s too many digits.
Will Ferrell: No, no, no. Movie stars get special —
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.
Will Ferrell: They get longer phone numbers.
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.
Will Ferrell: Because, when you’re famous, you want it to be harder for people to call you.
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.
Will Ferrell: I’ll see you out there, Kenan.
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Dammit!
[ Will exits down the hall, as Finesse pays $5 to a happy Kenan Thompson ]
Kenan Thompson: See, I told you he ain’t know the difference!
[ as Will exits down the hall, he’s approached on the opposite end by Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Will! Will! Will.
[ Will quickly turns back in the direction he came from, a look of horror on his face ]
Lorne Michaels: How are you?
Will Ferrell: Oh.. uh.. great.
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Oh, brother.. this guy.
Lorne Michaels: You know, hosting for the first time after being in the cast can feel a litle weird.
Will Ferrell: Uh-huh.
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: There he goes.
Lorne Michaels: I remember the first time that Chevy came back, things were tense.
Will Ferrell: Right, right..
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: He is not gonna stop talking.
Lorne Michaels: But, on the second time there was enough distance.
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: He is not going to stop.
Lorne Michaels: I think even Spade found it awkward the first time he did it.
Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Must find a way out of this conversation..
Lorne Michaels: Because you feel that no one wants you to succeed, but they really do.
Will Ferrell: Oh, uh.. hey, Lorne – look! [ points behind Lorne ]
[ Lorne turns to look, as Will leans toward the camera ]
Will Ferrell: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!”
