SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Will’s Thoughts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Will’s Thoughts

…..Will Ferrell
…..Tina Fey
…..Chris Parnell
…..Amy Poehler
…..Finesse Mitchell
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on backstage hallway at Studio 8-H. Taking her cue, Tina Fey begins walking down the hall as she clutches her bottled water and pretends to read from this week’s script. ]

Will Ferrell: Hey, Tina. How close are we to air?

Tina Fey: Oh, about ten minutes, but, uh.. Jen will come get you.

Will Ferrell: Thank God. Isn’t it weird, me being in the host’s dressing room?

Tina Fey: [ laughs condescendingly ] Don’t be nervous, it’s gonna be great! [ continues walking down the hall ]

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Don’t be nervous? What the hell does that mean? How about: “No, Will, it’s not weird at all. You’re a big star now.” Dumb bitch!

[ Will walks down the hall, running into Chris Parnell ]

Chris Parnell: Hey, Will.

Will Ferrell: Hey.

Chris Parnell: I found this old picture of us from the Cowbell sketch, and I got it framed for you.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Oh, man, what is this guy’s name? I worked with him for five years..

Chris Parnell: I like it because we all look so serious in it, you know?

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Lance?

Will Ferrell: [ laughs ] That’s true!

Chris Parnell: Yeah.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Dick? Glen. Maybe it’s Glen.

Chris Parnell: Well, it’s just great to see you again.

Will Ferrell: Hey. You too, chief.

[ they hug. Parnell exits in one direction down the hall, and Will exits in the other direction. ]

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Whoo! Nice save. Lance did not suspect a thing.

[ Will runs into Amy Poehler ]

Amy Poehler: Hey! Hey, Will.

Will Ferrell: Oh, hey.

Amy Poehler: I saw “Kicking & Screaming.” It was great. Mike Ditka was hilarious!

Will Ferrell: Yeah, yeah, he was great.

Amy Poehler’s Thoughts: Huh? Let me remember – was Mike Ditka in the cast with you? Because I was, and I don’t seem to remember getting a part in that movie.

Will Ferrell: Well, thanks again. I’m really sorry you got cut out of “Anchorman.” You know, that’s the director’s decision.

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God. Don’t worry about it!

Amy Poehler’s Thoughts: Suck on it, Ron Burgundy!

Amy Poehler: Break a leg.

Will Ferrell: Okay.

[ Amy exits down the hall, as Will prepares a cup of coffee ] [ Finesse Mitchell steps forward ]

Finesse Mitchell: Hey, Will.

Will Ferrell: Oh, hey, what’s up?

Finesse Mitchell: Not much. Listen, I saw in Entertainment Weekly —

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: This is Finesse, do not call him Kenan!

Finesse Mitchell: I said, I saw in Entertainment Weekly that you just did a movie with Nicole Kidman.

Will Ferrell: Uh-huh.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.

Finesse Mitchell: Well, you know, since you’re married and I’m not, I was just wondering if it would be cool if I asked you for Nicole’s number?

Will Ferrell: Oh, totally. It’s, uh.. it’s 310 —

Finesse Mitchell: 310 —

Will Ferrell: 555 —

Finesse Mitchell: 555 —

Will Ferrell: 0123456789..

Finesse Mitchell: That’s too many digits.

Will Ferrell: No, no, no. Movie stars get special —

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.

Will Ferrell: They get longer phone numbers.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.

Will Ferrell: Because, when you’re famous, you want it to be harder for people to call you.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.

Will Ferrell: I’ll see you out there, Kenan.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Dammit!

[ Will exits down the hall, as Finesse pays $5 to a happy Kenan Thompson ]

Kenan Thompson: See, I told you he ain’t know the difference!

[ as Will exits down the hall, he’s approached on the opposite end by Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Will! Will! Will.

[ Will quickly turns back in the direction he came from, a look of horror on his face ]

Lorne Michaels: How are you?

Will Ferrell: Oh.. uh.. great.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Oh, brother.. this guy.

Lorne Michaels: You know, hosting for the first time after being in the cast can feel a litle weird.

Will Ferrell: Uh-huh.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: There he goes.

Lorne Michaels: I remember the first time that Chevy came back, things were tense.

Will Ferrell: Right, right..

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: He is not gonna stop talking.

Lorne Michaels: But, on the second time there was enough distance.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: He is not going to stop.

Lorne Michaels: I think even Spade found it awkward the first time he did it.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Must find a way out of this conversation..

Lorne Michaels: Because you feel that no one wants you to succeed, but they really do.

Will Ferrell: Oh, uh.. hey, Lorne – look! [ points behind Lorne ] [ Lorne turns to look, as Will leans toward the camera ]

Will Ferrell: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!”

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