SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: TV Funhouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

TV Funhouse

written by: Robert Smigel, Louis CK, Dino Stamatopoulas

[ bumper of Will Ferrell is ripped apart by a cartoon dog, who is in turned chased by a cartoon Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Come back here with my show!

[ adissolve to a boy and girl running from a wizard on a flying carpet in ancient Egypt. As a last resort, the boy and girl press two halves of aring together to spell “Shazzang.” Like magic, the giant genie appears and swats the wizard away like a fly. ] [ zoom on Shazzang as a flying camel appears. Shazzang turns to face the camera. ]

V/O: Shazzang!

[ dissolve to title card: “Shazzang! in The Flaming Ruby of Taruba.” ] [ dissolve to the boy and girl about to be crushed by two walls closing in on them ] [ an evil Raja holds up the Flaming Ruby of Taruba and gives a maniacal laugh ]

Raja: At last! The Flaming Ruby of Taruba is mine!

Boy: Looks like that time, Nancy..

[ they press their rings together ]

Together: Shazzang!

[ Shazzang suddenly appears, and pushes the walls apart, crumbling them into dust ]

Raja: Your genie cannot stop me. [ fires an arrow from a bow at Shazzang ] [ Shazzang swats at the arrow, which riccochets back to the Egyptian and pins him to a brick wall ]

Shazzang: Someone’s hung out to dry!

[ Shazzang uses his magic powers to zap the Egyptian towards him. Shazzang then rolls the Egyptian into a ball and proceeds to juggle him ]

Behold, children, my juggling act!

Boy: That’s some trick!

[ Shazzang sticks a spear through the Raja and uses him as a mop upon the desert floor ]

Shazzang: Time to clean up your mess, Raja!

Nancy: Wow!

[ Shazzang holds the Raja by the neck, piches his mouth open and holds a bottle of ammonia in front of him ]

Shazzang: Open wide! [ sprays ammonia into the Raja’s mouth ] [ the kids watch with surprise, but trust Shazzang’s instincts. The Raja coughs up blood. ]

Shazzang: Ho ha ha! Look, Mom – no cavities!

Boy: Looks like you got him, Shazzang.

[ Shazzang pulls on the Raja’s tongue ]

Shazzang: Cat got your tongue?

[ Shazzang slices the Raja’s elongated tongue in half with his fingernail. The kids are now horrified. ] [ Shazzang shoots lasers out of his eyes, which tear the upper flesh off the Raja ]

Shazzang: Give me some skin!

Nancy: [ uneasily ] Um.. you sure saved us, Shazzang..

Boy: And now it’s over..

[ Shazzang use his pwers to create ahainsaw made of smoke, which slices off one of the Raja’s legs. Shazzang laughs at this, turns uses his powers to turn the amputaed leg into a drumstick. ]

Shazzang: Who wants the drumstick?

[ Shazzang shoves the drumstick into the Raja’s mouth, as the kids and the flying camel look on in expanded horror ] [ Shazzang now has the Raja tied to a stake in the ground ]

Shazzang: If only Mom could see you!

[ Shazzang zaps a spot on the ground, where the Raja’s crying mom appears. Shazzang kicks her in the gut, and she doubles over and pukes. Shazzang zaps the puke, and turns it into a groups of rats, which immediately run over to chew on the Raja’s mom. ]

Shazzang: Ho ho ho! I smell a rat!

Boy: We gotta go..

[ Shazzang is now chopping the Raja into slices over a picnic tablecloth. Some of the Raja pieces are already in between slices of bread. ]

Shazzang: You’ll miss the picnic!

[ the kids sigh ]

Shazzang: Soup’s on!

[ timeframe cut to Shazzam taking a crap ]

Shazzang: Nature calls!

[ timeframe cut to Shazzam watching a weed grow out of the ground ]

Shazzang: Ho ho ho ho! You’re fertilizer now!

[ Shazzang feeds the weed to a cow, then proceeds to punch the cow repeatedly in the face, to the point where the cow takes multiple craps in fear ]

Nancy: Shazzang! What are you doing?

Shazzang: [ as he continues to mutilate the cow ] Gotta.. please.. my dad.. [ his maniacal laughter quickly turns into sobbing cries ]

Boy: [ stunned ] Wow.

Shazzang: [ still crying and pounding on the scattered cow feces ] Am I good enough yet?!

[ dissolve to still Shazzang full shot ]

Announcer: Tune in next week for.. Shazzang!

[ fade to credits ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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