Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 19
Dr. Roberts…..Will Forte
Mrs. Roberts…..Rachel Dratch
[ open on exterior, ritzy restaurant; dissolve to Dr. & Mrs. Roberts’ dinner table, as their waiter approaches ]
Waiter: Hello, have you decided – oh! Dr. and Mrs. Roberts! How are you?
Dr. Roberts: Kevin! Hello, Kevin, what a nice surprise. Are you one for the semester?
Waiter: Uh.. yes. Yes. So, how’s John, uh, doing at Yale? I haven’t talked to him in a long time.
Dr. Roberts: He’s doing just great! How do you like Stanford?
Waiter: Oh, it’s been fun. You know, lots of work. To be honest, I’m taking a little time off.
Msr. Roberts: Oh! Time off for what?
Waiter: Well, I’m thinking about dropping out. You know, maybe working here full-time.
Dr. Roberts: But you’ve worked so hard.
Waiter: Well, not hard enough, apparently. I just.. can’t seem to keep up.
Dr. Roberts: Can’t? Or won’t?
Waiter: Well, I assure you, Dr. Roberts, I’m working as hard as I can.
Dr. Roberts: Well, sometimes we don’t know just how hard we can work until we push ourselves.
Mrs. Roberts: [ whispers ] Lewis.
Dr. Roberts: [ whispers ] What?
Mrs. Roberts: We’ll take two dinner salads to start.
Waiter: Okay, sure.
[ Waiter exits scene ]
Mrs. Roberts: You’re not his father, Lewis!
Dr. Roberts: Well, if I were his father, he wouldn’t be such a coward.
Mrs. Roberts: I don’t know why you always have to do this!
Dr. Roberts: I’m just trying to help him, is that so bad?
Mrs. Roberts: No! But can we just enjoy our meal?
Dr. Roberts: Fine. [ a beat ] Happy Anniversary.
[ the Waiter returns with two salad plates ]
Waiter: Okay, here we go. Two dinner salads. Pepper, Mrs. Roberts.
Mrs. Roberts: Oh. Sure.
Waiter: Say when. [ begins to grind pepper into her salad ]
Mrs. Roberts: That’s good. Thank you.
Waiter: Okay. [stops grinding ] Dr. Roberts?
Dr. Roberts: Sure.
Waiter: Say when.
[ Waiter makes about twelve twists of the pepper grinder ]
Waiter: Say when, sir.
Dr. Roberts: I will.
[ Waiter makes sixteen more twists of the pepper grinder, trying to maintain his dignity about the situation ]
Waiter: Sir, it is our policy to keep grinding until the customer says to stop. You’ll have to tell me to stop.
Dr. Roberts: I will – when.. I’ve had.. enough.
[ Waiter makes sixteen more twists of the pepper grinder, and begins to look like he’s running out of breath ]
Waiter: Sir.. my arm is starting to burn.
Mrs. Roberts: Lewis, that’s enough!
Dr. Roberts: [ yelling ] Stay out of this, Jamie! This is between ME and THE BOY!!
Waiter: [ in obvious pain ] I can’t lose this job, sir..
Dr. Roberts: Then keep grinding!!
Waiter: Oh, God, the pain..!
Dr. Roberts: GRIND, son, GRIND!!
Waiter: Oh, God, oh God, it burns..!
Dr. Roberts: GRIND IT!!
Waiter: Please, sir, please!!
Dr. Roberts: GRIND IT!!
Dr. Roberts: GRIND!!
Mrs. Roberts: Stop this, Lewis!
Dr. Roberts: Enough from you, Woman!!
Waiter: I’m going down!!
Dr. Roberts: Grind it!!
[ the back-and-forth screaming between Dr. Roberts and the Waiter continues, as the excitement builds to its breaking point, with Dr. Roberts yelling statements like “Twist it harder!” and “Never give up!” as the Waiter experiences pain and agony. Mrs. Roberts is in tears. ]
Dr. Roberts: Grind! Grind! Grind! [ a beat ] That’s fine, stop. That’s good.
Waiter: [ collapses onto his knees ] I’m so scared..
Dr. Roberts: No, son, you’re just fine. Now, you go back to Stanford, and you show them what hard work really is.
Waiter: Thank you, sir.. thank you. If there’s anything I can ever do for you.. you let me know.
Dr. Roberts: Well, I could use another salad!
[ they share the laugh, as the scene fades ]