Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 19
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Sharon Osborne…..Amy Poehler
Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to celebrity jeopardy. We’ve got a real barnburner on our hands here. In second place with negative 82,300 dollars is Bill Cosby.
Bill Cosby: Look at the all the nice people in the audience. So many beautiful people ehh Jello pudding pops.
Alex Trebek: Great. In first place with negative 82,400 dollars is Sharon Osbourne.
Sharon Osbourne: Hello. Hello Alex, Hello Ozzy. (holds up dog) I miss you daddy. Minnie say Hello to Alex. Alex say hello to Minnie. whoa whoa whoa.
Alex Trebek: And in last place with negative 120,000 (sighs and pauses) Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: Well, well, well Trebek. Fancy seeing you here. It’s been a while.
Alex Trebek: Not long enough.
Sean Connery: That’s not what your mother said last night.
Alex Trebek: Okay Here are the categories for double jeopardy. (Board appears)
They are: POTENT POTABLES, COLORS THAT ARE RED, JAPAN US RELATIONS; I have no idea what that category is doing up there,
Sean Connery: I had relations this morning Trebek Hope we didn’t wake you. Your mother’s a screamer.
Alex Trebek: For your information my mother’s in a nursing home in Alberta, Canada.
Sean Connery: Oh she was nursing it alright.
Alex Trebek: Great. Moving on, HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP, BLACK COMEDIANS NAMED WHOOPI, THE LETTER THAT COMES AFTER B, and finally AUTOMATIC POINTS. If you choose that category you are automatically awarded the points. Sharon Osbourne your in the lead so you can pick first. May I suggest automatic points
Sharon Osbourne: No I don’t want that one. I’ll take how many fingers am I holding up for 400 dollars Alex.
Alex Trebek: Okay. (lifts hand with three fingers) How many fingers am I holding up on this hand? (Osbourne buzzes in) Sharon Osbourne
Sharon Osbourne: How many fingers is he holding up Minnie? (lifts dog) Minnie says your holding up seven. (incorrect buzzer sounds)
Alex Trebek: No.
Sharon Osbourne: Mother F*****! (Cosby buzzes in)
Alex Trebek: Bill Cosby.
Bill Cosby: Why do the people today need to curse with their mouth. She should be setting an example for the young people. That’s why their walkin’ around with their pants hangin off and the rap music. That is why they lie cheat and steal. (incorrect buzzer)
Alex Trebek: Fascinating Mr. Cosby. How many fingers am I holding up? (Connery buzzes in) Sean Connery
Sean Connery: I’ve got a finger for you Trebek (Connery reaches towards pants)
Alex Trebek: (turns away) please don’t cut to him.
Sean Connery: What do you think of that, Trebek HAHAHAHA
Alex Trebek: Okay that’s not a finger and you know it.
Sean Connery: (continuous laughter) Ohhh, don’t be so shocked Trebek Like you’ve never seen one before.
Alex Trebek: Lets just move on. Sharon Osbourne.
Sharon Osbourne: I’ll take the letter after B for 400 dollars Alex
Alex Trebek: The word CAT is found under this letter in the Dictionary. (Connery buzzes in). Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: I believe you’d find it in the R section.
Alex Trebek: No not In the Rs.
Sean Connery: Not in the Rs. That’s not what your mother said.
Alex Trebek: (breathes deeply with a long stair and pause) I walked right into that one. Doctor Cosby would you like to pick a category?
Bill Cosby: That’s Doctor William H Cosby Junior ADD whoa!!!
Alex Trebek: (looks with a strange stare) Okay. Would you like to pick a category?
Bill Cosby: No I would not.
Alex Trebek: Okay Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: Ill take JAP ANUS RELATIONS for 200. (JAPAN US RELATIONS shows on screen).
Alex Trebek: (numerous double takes between Connery and the board; Connery laughing in the background) I’m sorry that’s Japan US relations. That’s just awful and you know it. Look why don’t we just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is: FIRST GREADE MATH And the question is write a math problem a first grader would know 2 plus 2, 1 plus 1, you don’t have to answer it, just write it. Write 2 plus 2 equal 12 I really don’t care. Just write any numbers in a row. (end beep) And lets see what kind of mess you’ve made of this one shall we. (at Cosby’s podium) Doctor Cosby wrote: (Cosby’s Screen) Frazzle Snazzle
Bill Cosby: That’s right I wrote down the square route of firsnazzle difornazzle.
Alex Trebek: And you wagered? (Cosby’s screen) Bleeble Blabble
Bill Cosby: correct with the flabble and the smazzle and my wife Camille.
Alex Trebek: (taps podium) Inspiring. Absolutely inspiring. Sharon Osbourne, see what you wrote (Osbournee’s screen: G(blurred)S) Oh my lord. That’s the filthiest word I’ve ever see.
Sharon Osbourne: Yes, well Minnie wrote it. Hurray!!!! (holds dog to Trebek’s face)
Alex Trebek: (taps podium) Quite frankly I don’t care what you wagered. Sean Connery Let’s see what you wrote. (Connery’s Screen) Zero plus Zero minus Zero equals Zero. I think we have a winner. Those are numbers a first grade would know that. I can’t believe it. Well that’s all the time we have.
Connery: Ohh don’t you want to see what I wagered Trebek?
Alex Trebek: Do I? You promise me its still a number?
Sean Connery: Absolutely, (pause) friend.
Alex Trebek: Sure.
(Connery’s screen: p + 0 0 = p)
Sean Connery: (laughs) It is a number, number two get it
Alex Trebek: Ok that’s is I quit, once and for all really goodnight.
Submitted by: Jason Lebowitz