SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Will Ferrell’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Will Ferrell’s Monologue

…..Will Ferrell
Audience Member…..Steve Higgins

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Will Ferrell!

[ the audience erupts into applause at the mere sight of Will Ferrell ]

Will Ferrell: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yes. This is, uh, this is fantastic. Yes. Look at this. I’m just so excited to be back here at “SNL.” Uh, as you know, I was a cast member for seven years, and uh.. [ audience applauds ] Which, of course, was a thrill. But to actually get to host. I mean.. it’s unbelievable. And, uh.. I have to be honest, I thought I was gonna be a little nervous. But I’m not – thanks to you guys. I feel relaxed, I feel great. It’s great to be back here in New York City. Uh-huh. [ audience cheers ] I gotta tell you, I love this town, I really do. Especially in the spring.

[ Will grabs a microphone, rotates his body once and begins to sing ]

“On a clear day
Rise and look around you
And you’ll see who you are.”

[ Will alternately fumbles with both hands in his pocket, triggering the device that makes it look like he’s peeing his pants ]

“On a clear day
How it will astound you
That the glow of your being
Outshines every star you feel part of.

Yes, every mountain, sea and shore
You can hear, from far and near
Words you never heard before.”

[ Will steps up to a man sitting in the audience ]

Will Ferrell: Heeeey! How are you? You from out of town?

Audience Member: I’m from New Jersey.

Will Ferrell: You know, was today not a gorgeous day, huh? What do you think the temperature was today?

Audience Member: I-I.. I don’t know, really.

Will Ferrell: Well, why don’t you take a guess, what do you think? What do you think?

Audience Member: I don’t know. 70?

Will Ferrell: Nope. Take another guess. I’ll give you a hint- it’s lower than 70.

Audience Member: 65?

Will Ferrell: Almost. You’re so close. You’re so close.

Audience Member: 66?

Will Ferrell: You went the wrong way, you went the wrong way! Go lower.

Audience Member: 64.

Will Ferrell: 64! You’re right! Good job! It felt like it, too, didn’t it? Ddin’t it?

Audience Member: Yes.

Will Ferrell: Beautiful, beautiful day. Is this your wife? [ points microphone at woman in next seat ]

Woman: No.

Will Ferrell: You’re not his wife? Well, you make a lovely couple, you really do. You really do.

[ Will returns to the main stage and continues to sing ]

Will Ferrell:
“On a clear day
On a clear day
You can see forever
And ever
And ever
And ev-er-moooooore.”

[ Will looks down at his wet pants ]

Will Ferrell: Whoops! I peed my pants!

Hey, we got a great show for you – Queens of the Stone Age are here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 5 / 5. Vote count: 1

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x