SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Luxury


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

The Spy

Dr. Richard Laverne…..Will Ferrell
Katherine Jaqueneau…..Maya Rudolph
Contact…..Horatio Sanz

[ a woman sits at a bar, as a man wearing an eye patch steps towards her ]

Dr. Richard Laverne: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Katherine Jaqueneau: No.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you mind If I join you?

Katherine Jaqueneau: No. Not at all.

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ sits ] Dr. Richard Laverne.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Katherine Jaqueneau. [ they shake hands ]

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you mind If I ask you a question?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Go right ahead.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you like luxury?

Katherine Jaqueneau: I’m sorry?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you like luxury? Do you enjoy fine things? Silks? Furs? Fine exotic woods?

Katherine Jaqueneau: I’m not sure I follow.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Let me rephrase the question: Do you like luxury?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Yes, I do.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I thought so. I, myself, enjoy luxury. That’s why I drive the finest motorcar in the world. “Jag-u-ar.”

Katherine Jaqueneau: I see.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I ‘m also the spokesperson for Jag-u-ar. The finest motorcar in the world. Jag-u-ar.

Katherine Jaqueneau: I like how you say that.

Dr. Richard Laverne: “Jag-U-ar.” Can I also tell you something else?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Certainly.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I’m also a spy for the Swiss government. Would you like to guess my codename?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Jaguar?

Dr. Richard Laverne: No. Luxury.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Luxury?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Shh. Not so loud. We’re not safe here. So, do you like luxury?

Katherine Jaqueneau: You already asked me that.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I’m sorry. I’m tired. I did 900 voiceovers today for Jag-u-ar. I also killed a man in an elevator.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Do you mind If I ask you a question?

Dr. Richard Laverne: I think it would only be fair.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Are you blind in one eye?

Dr. Richard Laverne: How did you know?

Katherine Jaqueneau: You’re wearing an eye patch.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Right. Do you mind If I sketch you?

Katherine Jaqueneau: You want to sketch me?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Nothing would please me more.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Here?

Dr. Richard Laverne: No, back at my apartment.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Is it close?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Yes. It’s a 12-hour drive. Which, of course, feels like nothing when you’re behind the wheel of the world’s finest motorcar, Jag-u-ar.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Sure. I’ll go.

Dr. Richard Laverne: But you must make your decision quickly. We don’t have much time.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Did you not just hear me?

Dr. Richard Laverne: What did you say?

Katherine Jaqueneau: I said I would go with you.

Dr. Richard Laverne: There’s only one problem. I don’t know how to drive a stick. And I have no depth perception.

Katherine Jaqueneau: That’s fine.

Dr. Richard Laverne: And we will need to steal a car.

Katherine Jaqueneau: I thought you said you drove a Jaguar.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Jag-u-ar.

Katherine Jaqueneau: You need to stop saying it.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I’m sorry. I’m tired. You know, with the voiceovers and killing that guy.

Katherine Jaqueneau: You’re not really the voice of Jaguar, are you?

Dr. Richard Laverne: No… I’m not.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Are you really a spy for the Swiss government?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Quick, there’s not much time.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Shh. I’m leaving. [ she exits ] [ a heavyset steps forward and claims the woman’s seat ]

Contact: Do you like luxury?

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ eyes the man curiously ] Fine tapestries and expensive jewels?

Contact: Yes.

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ removes the documents from inside his jacket ] They told me the contact would be a woman.

Contact: [ grabs the documents ] I AM a woman.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I would like nothing more than to sketch you at my apartment.

Contact: [ turns ] I don’t drive!

Dr. Richard Laverne: Neither do I.

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ they hold their stares on one another for a moment, then slowly turn their heads to face the bar straight-on ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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