SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19






04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
Steven Ainsley…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Well, there was panic in the nation’s capital Wednesday when a Cessnaairplane drifted into the “No-Fly Zone,” where it was intercepted by two F-16s and a Black Hawk helicopter. Man, they are really running out of ideas for “Fear Factor.”

Amy Poehler: It was announced Thursday that the Army will nowallow recruits to sign up for just fifteen months of active duty. Ifthat doesn’t work, the military will try renaming Iraq “Super Cancun”!

The Army said Tuesday that Halliburton has been awarded 72 milliondollars in performance bonuses for its work in Iraq. Halliburtonresponded to the news saying, “Hungry…Halliburton still hungry!”

Tina Fey: A judge in Hawaii has evicted a woman who was living in a lava tube in a natural park. Man, she really does not want to marry that dude. [picture of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks. Applause. Tina imitates Jennifer’s wide-eyed stare]

Amy Poehler: John Bolton’s U.N. nomination hit another snag thisweek when it went to the Senate without a recommendation from theForeign Relations Committee. The Committee was hesitant to support himbecause of allegations that Bolton has a history of abusingsubordinates. Here to defend Bolton is his longtime assistant, StevenAinsley.

[pan to Steven, who has a small bandage on his forehead; applause]

Steven Ainsley: Thank you. Thank you, Amy.

There have been a lot of vicious rumors swirling about John Bolton,about how John Bolton bullies subordinates, and how John Bolton screamsat people. Well, I don’t know that John Bolton. [lifts his left hand,showing that it is completely bandaged as well]

Amy Poehler: What happened to your head—

Steven Ainsley: I walked into a door.

Amy Poehler: And your wrist—

Steven Ainsley: Also a door, a revolving door, so it got me twice.

Amy Poehler: OK, Steven, OK—[reaches to pat him on the shoulder,but he nervously backs away and gasps] Sorry.

Steven Ainsley: No, just caught me off guard, oh boy. My fault,my fault.

Amy Poehler: So you’ve never seen John Bolton lose his temper?

Steven Ainsley: Look, John Bolton has an incredibly stressfuljob, people don’t understand that. I mean, I work with him andsometimes I don’t understand it. So if somebody forgets that John likes Equal instead of Sweet’N Low, what recourse does John have but to throw hot coffee in their face?

Amy Poehler: Well, that seems really harsh—

Steven Ainsley: It’s not! I have to learn. John is- John is so incredible.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, he doesn’t sound incredible.

Steven Ainsley: Well, you don’t know him like I do! I mean, he’s a sweetheart. Here is a funny story. One time I brought him the wrong kind of mustache wax, and he kicked me down a flight of stairs. Ha ha ha!

Amy Poehler: That’s not a funny story.

Steven Ainsley: It’s funny when he tells it. Oh, I probably told it wrong. Oh, I hope I didn’t tell it wrong!

Amy Poehler: No, you know what, you- you told it fine! [reachesto pat him on the shoulder once again, but John backs away and gasps] Sorry.

Steven Ainsley: In conclusion, I would just like to say: John, if you’re watching—

Amy Poehler: You know, I don’t think he’s watching.

Steven Ainsley: Oh, he’s not? Amy, help me. Help me,Amy. I can tell you’re a good person who knows what it’s like to bearound a mean, abusive bully.

Amy Poehler: What do you mean?

Tina Fey: What are you two yapping about? [cuts an apple and eats it off of a large knife]

Steven Ainsley: Nothing!

Amy Poehler: [suddenly nervous as well] Nothing.

Tina Fey: [looking offstage] Oh, wrap it up. I’m trying to watch the game over here.

[Amy and Steven lean in towards each other and whisper cries of help toeach other. Eventually, Seth breaks character. Some applause]

Steven Ainsley: Well, I think I’ve made my point. The U.N. would be lucky to have John Bolton. And Amy, this is a bus ticket, and the name of a shelter in Ohio! See you there?

Amy Poehler: [taking Steven’s papers and hiding them underneathhers] OK, thank you. Steve Ainsley, everybody. [cheers and applause asSteven darts offstage]

Tina Fey: This Monday marks the final episode of the sitcom“Everybody Loves Raymond.” Next season, CBS Monday will be anchored bythe show “Everybody Has Mixed Feelings about Charlie Sheen.”

Amy Poehler: [picture of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger of theRolling Stones] This week, the California Raisins announced plans for anew world tour. [applause]

Paula Abdul revealed this week that for the last 25 years, she’s beensuffering from the obscure disease Complex Regional Pain Syndrome,though many know it by its more common name, the crazies.

Tina Fey: A truck hauling two thousand cases of beer in Toronto,Canada flipped over Wednesday and unleashed a sea of alcohol onto thecountry’s busiest highway.

Amy Poehler: Woo-hoo! You guys, [singing] party on thehighway!

Tina Fey: Well, it’s not- it’s not really a party, just beerspilled all over the road—

Amy Poehler: Spilled beer on the road! Who’s comin’ with me?

Tina Fey: It’s- it’s not that fun! Just, like, the bottlesbroken, the beer just, you know, was in the dirt—

Amy Poehler: Yeah! I’m gonna drink beer dirt in Canada!

Tina Fey: Alright, sorry.

Amy Poehler: Party highway!

Tina Fey: It’s not a party!

Amy Poehler: [pauses] If you come, it’s a party!

Tina Fey: Alright, I’ll go. But this is the last time that Isuck beer out of dirt with you. [some applause]

Despite consumers saying they want healthier options at fast foodrestaurants, the most popular items on the menus are the newhigh-calorie, high-fat items, like Hardee’s Monster Thick Burger, Burger King’s Enormous Omelet Sandwich, and Wendy’s Diabetes Explosion.[applause] I kinda want that. I kinda wanna eat it.

Amy Poehler: Yum!

Tina Fey: A small town in Brazil declared this past Monday Orgasm Day. [some cheering] I think, uh, that came early this year.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Tina Fey: Did you, uh, did you celebrate Orgasm Day?

Amy Poehler: Uh, I pretended to.

Tina Fey: Maxim magazine released its annual “Hot 100”list with Eva Longoria at number one, followed by Jennifer Garner andLindsay Lohan, while I, once again placed between Bonnie Hunt and JoyBehar. [applause] Thanks.

Amy Poehler: U.S. lawmakers in Wednesday subpoenaed manufacturers of The Whizzinator to investigate the legality of the device that is a fake penis that can provide a flow of clean urine. Or in my case, Chardonnay.

That’s how I do it!

Tina Fey: So you suck beer out of dirt… and you drink wine out of a penis.

Amy Poehler: And I use a fake penis to drink my Chardonnay, right.

Tina Fey: Things are- things are going really well for you.

Amy Poehler: Going great! [applause]

Tina Fey: A new chili sauce called 16 Million Reserve is hittingthe market this week, and it is thirty times more potent than thespiciest pepper, and eight thousand times fierier than Tabasco, thoughstill not as spicy as Pat O’ Brien’s new I’m So F-ing Hot For You HotSauce. [applause; Tina impersonates Pat O’ Brien] The only hot saucethat wants to go crazy on you! Let’s get a grill and some Cokes andjust go crazy! I’m gonna eat your sandwich!

Amy Poehler: Nick Nolte said that despite being invited to theWhite House by numerous presidents, he would not go, because he is afelon, and the President should not be with criminals. He added, “Plus, I’ve never been invited to the White House.”

An outbreak of chlamydia at the San Francisco Zoo has killed twelvepenguins. Officials believe the outbreak was either caused by aninfected pigeon, or by Ken, the newly-single giraffe.

For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina and Amy arm wrestle; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

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