SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

May 21st, 2005

Lindsay Lohan

Coldplay

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HardballSummary: The topic is the Newsweek retraction fallout, as Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Saddam Hussein underwear photos with Michael Isikoff (Chris Parnell), Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) and Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Condoleeza Rice, Zell Miller.

Transcript

Montage

Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: With her hair newly dyed blonde, Lindsay Lohan is the definition of a party girl. But the sudden appearance of the Ghost of Lindsay Future (Amy Poehler), haggard from years of partying, begs her to reconsider this new image.

First Hosted: 03r.

Transcript

WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it.

Note: Repeat from 12/18/04.

America’s Next Top ModelSummary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) competes with a naive mutant girl (Rachel Dratch) and an attractive beauty with low self-esteem (Lindsay Lohan) in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model. The event is sponsored by a commercial for new reality series, “Chaotic”, starring Britney Spears (Amy Poehler) and Kevin Federline (Seth Meyers).

Recurring Characters: Amber, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline.

Transcript

New Park CinemaSummary: “Star Wars” nerds (Seth Meyers, Lindsay Lohan, Rob Riggle, Will Forte, Fred Armisen) sit in on “Monster-In-Law” when the tickets they’d hoped for are sold out.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Divertor”, the Republican superhero who diverts attention from GOP snafus by sabotaging the public lives of minor-league celebrities.

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hillbilly hijinks in the Appalachian Emergency Room, including a would-be cheerleader (Lindsay Lohan) inquiring about job openings.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Tyler.

Coldplay performs “Speed of Sound”First Performed: 00p.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Lesbians Chris Cox-Sanz (Rachel Dratch) and Danni Sanz-Cox (Maya Rudolph) recount their first year as a married couple. Vicente Fox (Fred Armisen) apologizes to Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) for making a racist statement, then the two make light of the issue.

Recurring Characters: Rev. Al Sharpton.

Transcript

The Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) ignores Nick Lachey (Will Forte), makes Jessica Simpson (Lindsay Lohan) play a harp on a cloud, laughs at stand-up from Wanda Sykes (Kenan Thompson), and has an allergy attack.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Jessica Simpson.

Little ItalySummary: Upset that her mafia boyfriend (Horatio Sanz) is fooling aroud behind her back, an Italian women (Lindsay Lohan) crashes his gangster pad and proceeds to trash the place.

Transcript

Coldplay performs “Fix You”Lyrics

The BabysitterSummary: Mr. Voinic (Chris Parnell) drives the babysitter (Lindsay Lohan) home, then hits on her while making rude comments about his wife (Maya Rudolph).

Transcript

Bear CitySummary: In T. Sean Shannon’s latest visit to Bear City, a teenaged bear sneaks a look at bear porn while his mom goes shopping. Unfortunately, she forgets her grocery list on the counter and walks into an embrassing situation.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Sublet ApartmentSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) sublets his apartment to an attractive woman (Lindsay Lohan).

Long Train Runnin’Summary: Lead singer (Lindsay Lohan) introduces the members of her band by saying mean things about them.

BreadSummary: An advertisement for bread.

LeviticusSummary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) tries to save a family’s souls while they eat at a diner.

RobotSummary: A scientist (Chris Parnell) unveils his robot.

Bear CitySummary: The bears suddenly find themselves in competition with the occupants of Rabbit Town.

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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