Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 20
04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay
[ open on meteor crashing into the earth and exploding ]
Announcer: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious cloud released a chemical that enabled bears to evolve and fill the void left by humans.
[ bear waving his fist in the forest morphs into a pajama-clad bear standing in his bedroom, scratching his back with a backscratcher ]
Announcer: And within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.
[ worker bears dressed in business clothes wnder the area outside an office building ]
[ dissolve up “Bear City” title card ]
Bear, Bear City.”
[ show bears as they now exist on earth – bears watering their lawns, bears stepping out of an elevator, bears sharing a smoke, bear reading a newspaper ]
Announcer: Although they couldn’t talk, they went about their lives just like man had done.
[ show a smiling boy and girl standing in the park ]
[ SUPER: “Rex Banter” over boy, “Cynthia Davis” over girl ]
Announcer: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children. And they were quickly eaten. By bears.
[ a circle of bears surround the boy and girl and climb on top of them ]
[ show bears walking their dogs, then show other bears walking up the sidewalk ]
Announcer: Tonight: “Mom’s Going Shopping.”
[ dissolve to black, dissolve up on Mom Bear’s shopping list: “Honey, Nuts, Berries, Salmon, Whiskey.” ]
[ deadbeat teenaged bear son sits on couch playing video games. Mom Bear growls at him as she lays her list on the couch and bends down to pick up her purse. Teeanged bear growls back, as Mom Bear exits the house sans shopping list. He them jumps to his feet and peeks out the window to spy Mom Bear entering her car. Satisfied that Mom Bear is laving the house, teenaged bear reaches into the video cabinet, and inserts a videotape labeled “Honey Lappers” into the VCR. ]
[ the action in the video is hot, asa pair of bear cheerleaders struggle to undress one another as they kneel on a bed. A pizza delivery bear wanders aimlessly into the doorway. The cheerleader bears notice him, and wave him further into the room. The pizza delivery bear happily saunters closer. ]
[ cut to outside, where Mom Bear sits in her car and suddenly realizes that she forgot her shopping list in the house. Teenaged bear is enjoying the video, unaware that Mom Bear’s shopping list is right behind his head on the couch. His head is bobbing up and down. Mom Bear enters the house. On the video, the pizza delivery bear is spanking both cheerleadersat once. Mom enters the room horrified, growling as she covers her eyes. Teeanged bear jumps up, embarrassed, as he clutches his drooped pants and quickly turns off the TV and stumbles out of the room. ]
[ dissolve out, dissolve up on sitting Bear holding a highball and toasting it toward the viewing audience ]
Announcer: Thanks for visiting Bear City.
[ dissolve to card: “Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon” ]
[ fade ]