SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20



04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

…..Lindsay Lohan
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Lindsay Lohan!

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be back. This is my second time hosting “SNL.” But my first time hosting as a blonde. And I have to say, it is a little bit more fun. It’s been kind of a crazy year. If you read the tabloids, they say I’m too skinny, I’m at clubs every night, I’m dating everyone from Bruce Willis to Jake Gyllenhaal.

[ suddenly, the haggardly Ghost of Lindsay Future swoops down over the teen starlet ]

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Lindsay! [ In spooky voice ] Li-i-i-indsay! Lindsay, your life is moving too fast. You gotta slow it down.

Lindsay Lohan: Um, who are you?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: I’m you. I’ve come back from the future to tell you, you got to cool it with the partyin’. ‘Cause I’m totally beat.

Lindsay Lohan: Whoa, wait a second. You’re me in the future?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Did I stutter, bitch?

Lindsay Lohan: Okay, I guess that does kind of sound like me. And you do have my natural hair color. But I have a question — why am I so short in the future?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Because our bones turned to dust. Because you drank nothing but Red Bull.

Lindsay Lohan: Everyone drinks Red Bull.

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: No, not any more. In the future, we use it to power cars!

Lindsay Lohan: That’s pretty awesome.

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Yeah, it is awesome.

Lindsay Lohan: So what else happens? What movies do I make in the future?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Let me see we did “Herbie Fully Loaded”, “Mean Girls 2” — that was a suck bomb.. “National Lampoon’s Jamaican Vacation”, we did, like, eight Lifetime movies, and now we host a Cinemax show called “Night Passions”.

Lindsay Lohan: Wait a minute. That sounds a little shady. Wait, are we doing porn?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: No! We’re introducing porn. It’s totally different. You know, somebody’s gotta pay the bills, ever since Tommy got his hip replacement.

Lindsay Lohan: Who?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Oh, yeah. You’re married to Tommy Lee, genius.

Lindsay Lohan: what? Did I even meet him, and where?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: At Oscar’s.

Lindsay Lohan: I get to go to the Oscars?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Not the Oscars. Oscar’s, a strip club in Glendale. And do me a favor, sometime in the near future, when you’re out partying with Nicole Richie, do not get this tattoo.

[ the Ghost of Lindsay Future pulls her shirt down slightly to reveal “I Love Bo Bice” tattooed on one breast and an image of Bo tattooed on the other breast ]

Lindsay Lohan: Well, I do love me some Bo Bice.

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Okay, I know, I know. All I’m saying is get some sleep, drink some water. Unless you want this to be your future, you better take it down a notch. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Lindsay Lohan: Wait, wait, wait. Let me ask you this: Am I happy 30 years from now?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: I don’t know. I’m from 2007.

Lindsay Lohan: Oh, holy crap! I gotta take better care of myself, don’t I? All right, let’s hurry up and get the show started so I can go to bed. We’ve got a great show tonight. Coldplay is here. [ Cheers and applause ] so stick around, and we’ll be right back, people!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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