Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 20
Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future…..Amy Poehler
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Lindsay Lohan!
Lindsay Lohan: Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be back. This is my second time hosting “SNL.” But my first time hosting as a blonde. And I have to say, it is a little bit more fun. It’s been kind of a crazy year. If you read the tabloids, they say I’m too skinny, I’m at clubs every night, I’m dating everyone from Bruce Willis to Jake Gyllenhaal.
[ suddenly, the haggardly Ghost of Lindsay Future swoops down over the teen starlet ]
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Lindsay! [ In spooky voice ] Li-i-i-indsay! Lindsay, your life is moving too fast. You gotta slow it down.
Lindsay Lohan: Um, who are you?
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: I’m you. I’ve come back from the future to tell you, you got to cool it with the partyin’. ‘Cause I’m totally beat.
Lindsay Lohan: Whoa, wait a second. You’re me in the future?
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Did I stutter, bitch?
Lindsay Lohan: Okay, I guess that does kind of sound like me. And you do have my natural hair color. But I have a question — why am I so short in the future?
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Because our bones turned to dust. Because you drank nothing but Red Bull.
Lindsay Lohan: Everyone drinks Red Bull.
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: No, not any more. In the future, we use it to power cars!
Lindsay Lohan: That’s pretty awesome.
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Yeah, it is awesome.
Lindsay Lohan: So what else happens? What movies do I make in the future?
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Let me see we did “Herbie Fully Loaded”, “Mean Girls 2” — that was a suck bomb.. “National Lampoon’s Jamaican Vacation”, we did, like, eight Lifetime movies, and now we host a Cinemax show called “Night Passions”.
Lindsay Lohan: Wait a minute. That sounds a little shady. Wait, are we doing porn?
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: No! We’re introducing porn. It’s totally different. You know, somebody’s gotta pay the bills, ever since Tommy got his hip replacement.
Lindsay Lohan: Who?
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Oh, yeah. You’re married to Tommy Lee, genius.
Lindsay Lohan: what? Did I even meet him, and where?
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: At Oscar’s.
Lindsay Lohan: I get to go to the Oscars?
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Not the Oscars. Oscar’s, a strip club in Glendale. And do me a favor, sometime in the near future, when you’re out partying with Nicole Richie, do not get this tattoo.
[ the Ghost of Lindsay Future pulls her shirt down slightly to reveal “I Love Bo Bice” tattooed on one breast and an image of Bo tattooed on the other breast ]
Lindsay Lohan: Well, I do love me some Bo Bice.
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Okay, I know, I know. All I’m saying is get some sleep, drink some water. Unless you want this to be your future, you better take it down a notch. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Lindsay Lohan: Wait, wait, wait. Let me ask you this: Am I happy 30 years from now?
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: I don’t know. I’m from 2007.
Lindsay Lohan: Oh, holy crap! I gotta take better care of myself, don’t I? All right, let’s hurry up and get the show started so I can go to bed. We’ve got a great show tonight. Coldplay is here. [ Cheers and applause ] so stick around, and we’ll be right back, people!