Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 20
Mr. Voinic…..Chris Parnell
Franny Voinic…..Maya Rudolph
[open on interior of car, with Mr. Voinic driving and babysitter in the passenger seat]
Cindy: You know, you really don’t need to drive me home, Mr. Voinic.
Mr. Voinic: [with very slight tipsiness] Nonsense, Cindy. It’s very late.
Cindy: Well, I walk home from the Wilsons all the time.
Mr. Voinic: Well, Art Wilson is a dirty son of a bitch. I’m sorry. It’s been a long night. I’ve had a few. I’m good to drive, but I’m drunk. [Cindy’s eyes widen slightly and she glances at him] Just kidding. No, I’m not. How were the kids?
Cindy: They were okay. Lucas didn’t want to go to bed, and kept waking the girls up.
Mr. Voinic: Hmmm, that sounds like Lucas. Those kids really like you. They hate their mother.
Cindy: Did you guys have fun tonight?
Mr. Voinic: Who, me and Franny? Ugh, we never have fun. It was our annivarsary dinner. I would much rather have been out at a rave. That would have been crunk.
Mr. Voinic: Boy, I am stressed. So, you’re a senior now?
Cindy: [scoffs] Don’t I wish? I’m just a junior.
Mr. Voinic: Really? I was sure you were a senior. Just a junior, huh? How about that? How about that? That’s something.
Cindy: Yeah, I guess. I mean, next year, I’m be a senior. And then: goodbye, Saddlebrook, hello, cruise ship. That’s what I want to do–work on a cruise ship. But my parents think it’s stupid.
Mr. Voinic: A cruise ship?! That’s a very smart idea. I never knew that about you. You are a fascinating, wonderful, sexy person. I think your parents are stupid.
Cindy: Me and my girlfriends are going to get a job on cruise ships and save up money and then start our own magazine.
Mr. Voinic: And you’ll do it. You’ll start the magazine and voila! Would you like a Dubonnet? I’m having a Dubonnet.
Cindy: A what?
Mr. Voinic: A Dubonnet. It’s a dark red wine with a slight quinine taste, and I happen to have a bottle here under my seat.
Cindy: You know, you can’t drink and drive. [laughs nervously]
Mr. Voinic: [chuckles and produces the bottle] Cindy, you’ll find as you get older, certain laws are meant to be taken seriously and others are not. I’ve never felt the drinking and driving law made much sense. [proffers the bottle to Cindy]
Cindy: Oh, I’ll pass.
Mr. Voinic: [pulling it back] That’s the way to play it. You and me are a lot alike. A lot. A very lot.
[Cindy turns away from Mr. Voinic and puts on her seat belt, but continues to face away in mild mortification]
Mr. Voinic: [singing] I walk a lonely road, / The only road that I have ever know. / Don’t know where it goes, / but I walk that road all alone. [speaking] Sure do love that song. Coldplay.
Cindy: Green Day.
Mr. Voinic: Of course. What did I say? Coldplay? Ridiculous. I know Coldplay. [sings] Your body is a wonderland…
Cindy: [with some relief] Hey, look, there’s my house. Driveway.
Mr. Voinic: Ah, so it is. Hey, do you want to sit and talk?
Cindy: About what?
Mr. Voinic: Oh, I just really love to hear you talk about anything. I think you’re the smartest person I know.
Cindy: Your wife’s a surgeon.
Mr. Voinic: Franny is an idiot compared to you. You make her look like a real dum-dum.
Cindy: I should go inside.
Mr. Voinic: I guess you should know, I’m thinking about leaving Franny. I don’t know if that changes things.
Cindy: No, I still gotta go inside. I’ll catch you later, Mr. Voinic.
Mr. Voinic: Okay, well, oh, let me get the door for you! [reaches across her to the opposite door]
Cindy: Oh, no, I can get it. It’s right here.
Mr. Voinic: Okay, well, um, let’s have a goodbye hug [slides his right arm behind her neck], okay, uh…
Cindy: [perturbed] What?
Mr. Voinic: So, uh, goodbye, uh, good work tonight. Good work. Good stuff.
Cindy: [grits teeth nervously] Yeah…
[Franny suddenly sits up in the back seat]
Mr. Voinic: Aaah! Franny! [springs back]
Cindy: Oh, God!
Franny: [accusatorily, to her husband] Having fun?!
Mr. Voinic: I’m giving her a goodbye hug.
Cindy: [quickly unbuckles her seat belt and opens the car door] See ya! [waves over her shoulder as she slips out of the car]
Mr. Voinic: It’s very innocent! Uh…Dubonnet?
Franny: Ugh, get that out of my face. I’m driving.
Mr. Voinic: Okay.
[they both exit from the stage right side of the car]
Submitted by: DavidK93