Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 20
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
…..Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
Chris Cox-Sanz…..Rachel Dratch
Danni Sanz-Cox…..Maya Rudolph
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
President Vicente Fox…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, its WeekendUpdate with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]Amy Poehler: Hi, Im Amy Poehler
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey, and here are tonights top stories:
[pulls out a copy of the New York Post from underneath the deskwhile humming the first notes of Old Time Rock n Roll] This week,the London Sun and the New York Post published photos ofSaddam Hussein in his underpants, and yes, I guess the imperial carpetdoes match the drapes.Heres the only other joke we have for this: Man, Antonio Sabato, Jr.has really let himself go!
Back to you, Amy.
Amy Poehler: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprisetrip to Iraq Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousandsof U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas. [applause]
Tina Fey: Donald Trumps elected Kendra Todd as his first femaleApprentice during Thursday nights season finale, although some feltthe prize jobs offered to her were a little bit sexist. Todd had thechoice of working at the Miss Universe pageant, redecorating TrumpsPalm Beach mansion, or being head of marketing for his new, Super JumboTrumpons. [applause; Tina imitates The Donald] Theyre huge the hugesttampons in the world! Theyre huge.
Amy Poehler: Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student, ViliFualaau, were married Thursday night. According to witnesses, she woreVera Wang, while he wore Spider-Man. [applause]
Tina Fey: This week marks the one-year anniversary of legalizedgay marriage in the state of Massachusetts. Over a thousand same-sexcouples were married there in the past year. Here to talk about theirfirst year as a legally-married couple are Mr. Chris Cox-Sanz and Mr.Danni Sanz-Cox.
[pan to Chris and Danny, who are both female; applause]Chris Cox-Sanz: Thanks. Thanks for having us, Tina and Amy. Please call us Mrs. and Mrs.
Tina Fey: Oh, ladies, my sincere apologies, I- I- Im sorry. I-I had mistakenly thought that you were a male couple because I had onlyseen your names and a photograph of you.
Chris Cox-Sanz: No sweat, happens all the time.
Tina Fey: So how has your first year of marriage been?
Chris Cox-Sanz: Oh, its been everything we dreamed of, Tina. Last May we had a beautiful ceremony with fifty of our closest familyand friends, and five of our closest cats and pit bulls.
Danni Sanz-Cox: Mmm. It was a beautiful day.
Chris Cox-Sanz: Mmm. Danni and I wore matching Donna Karen blazers.
Danni Sanz-Cox: Right. [Their wedding photo is shown, and theyappear like two men]
Amy Poehler: Tina, is- is that the picture that threw you?
Tina Fey: Yes.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, understandable.
Tina Fey: Yeah.
Chris Cox-Sanz: We finally feel like were part of society, Tina, like were a regular, married couple.
Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah. Just the other night, I was sayingDammit, Chris whered you put the checkbook? and Chris was, like, Idont know. Why dont you look under that big-ass pile of Oprahmagazines you need to keep so frickin badly. And then I pretended tobe asleep so we didnt have to have sex. [they smile at each other]
Amy Poehler: Sounds like a real marriage.
Tina Fey: Yeah, thats a real marriage.
Amy Poehler: Yeah.
Tina Fey: So what do you guys say to conservative groups likeFocus on the Family, who claim that marriage is only for men and women?
Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, no doubt, Tina, the heterosexual communityhas perfected marriage.
Danni Sanz-Cox: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.
Chris Cox-Sanz: Maureen and Bill O Reilly.
Danni Sanz-Cox: Bill and Hilary Clinton.
Chris Cox-Sanz: Yeah. Obviously, that was more of what God hadin mind.
Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah.
Chris Cox-Sanz: But were just grateful for the chance to try. Happy anniversary, babe. [kisses Danni on the cheek]
Danni Sanz-Cox: Thanks Did you brush your teeth after dinner?
Chris Cox-Sanz: Yes!
Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, your breath smells like baba ghanoush.
Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, thanks for saying it on TV!
Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, Id want you to tell me!
Chris Cox-Sanz: Fine. You need to clip your nose hairs.
Tina Fey: Oh boy. Genuine married couple Chris and DanniCox-Sanz-Cox, everybody! [applause]
Amy Poehler: A large number of Star Wars fans in New Yorkposted messages on Craiglist, looking for dates to the movies openingnight. Said one dateless Star Wars fan, [imitating Yoda] Pickyou up at eight, my mother will? [frowns] Thats my Yoda impression.
Tina Fey: To show that his energy bill is about more thandrilling for oil in Alaska, this week President Bush visited a plant inVirginia that turns soybeans into a clean-burning diesel fuel, which the President hopes one day will be used to power oil-drilling machines in Alaska. [applause]
Chase Bank on Thursday announced plans to launch a new credit card thatusers can simply hold near a terminal instead of manually swiping it, in order to vastly increase the speed at which their identity is stolen.
Amy Poehler: The principal of an elementary school in New Mexicokissed a frog as part of a promise she made to her students if they mettheir reading goal. But then she let the frog get to second base, which was not cool.
Tina Fey: Oscar win– Oscar winner Jamie Foxx will tape a musical special for NBC next season. People whove seen the special said, O-oh!
Amy Poehler: O-oh! [to the tune of Ray Charles Whatd I Say]
Tina Fey: O-oh!
Amy Poehler: O-oh!
Tina Fey: Uhh.
Amy Poehler: Uhh.
Tina Fey: Uhnn.
Amy Poehler: No.
Tina Fey: Ugh.
Amy Poehler: Ugh. [both shake their heads in disgust; applause]
Tina Fey: Six Flags Amusement Park has added a disclaimer to itstickets, saying that it will refuse entry to convicted sex offenders. Which is great, but whos gonna operate the rides?? [some applause]
Amy Poehler: A new book, called The Case of the FemaleOrgasm, argues that the female orgasm has no evolutionary function. Regardless, the book is a real departure for the Hardy Boys. [pictureof the books fake cover, featuring the Hardy Boys examining evidence]Theyre looking for it
A number of video game makers are hoping that the same large audiencethat enjoys Christian pop music will also like Christian-themed videogames, such as Spiritual Warfare, Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land,and Super Jesuit Brothers.
Tina Fey: An English mans leg was saved after his Jack Russellterrier started licking it, which helped to prevent the leg frombecoming gangrenous. Afterwards, the dog went back to trying to savehis own balls. [cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: A deer that got caught in a Wal-Mart in,uh[stumbles, then restarts the joke] A deer that wandered into aWal-Mart in Norfolk, Nebraska, was tackled by a customer and then pushed back outside. City officials arent sure if the deer wandered in, or whether the Wal-Mart was built around it. [little reaction fromaudience; Amy clearly appears annoyed at her poor delivery] Aww, thatwas my last joke!
Tina Fey: Youll think about that joke all summer.
Amy Poehler: I know!
Tina Fey: This week, Al Sharpton announced he would be travelingto Mexico to seek a formal apology from Mexican President Vicente Foxfor saying Mexicans take jobs that not even blacks would do. Now, weat Weekend Update simply do not have the patience to wait for thatmeeting, so we have brought both parties together tonight to resolve the issue. Please welcome Vicente Fox and Al Sharpton.
[pan to President Fox and Rev. Sharpton; applause]Rev. Al Sharpton: Tina, I am outraged. To suggest that blackpeople in this country are only fit for the lowest pay and mostdemeaning work is an insult. Mr. Fox has still not apologized for thisunequivocal insult, and I will not let this issue go away until he does.
President Vicente Fox: I can assure you, Mr. Sharpton, my choiceof words was unfortunate. I was in no way wishing to cause insult toyou, or to the blacks of America. I have the highest regard forblacks, and for what I have said I am very, very sorry.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Apology accepted. [the two men shake hands]
President Vicente Fox: I have never for one minute thought thatthe difference between a black guy and a pizza, is that a pizza can feed a family of four. This offends me!
Rev. Al Sharpton: [stares at the President for a moment] Again, I accept your apology, and I feel that this matter is resolved.
President Vicente Fox: I, too, feel the matter is resolved. I am not a racist.
Rev. Al Sharpton: And I am glad to hear you say that. I mustsay, not being a racist myself, I have never believed a Mexican and acue ball are the same, just because the harder you hit them, the moreEnglish they pick up. [some applause]
President Vicente Fox: Then we are simpático.
Rev. Al Sharpton: I am very glad to hear you say that, and foryour apology, I applaud your courage. And as a sign of my appreciation, I brought you some luggage. [places two paper bags on the desk]
President Vicente Fox: Luggage for me, yes.
Tina Fey: Come on, now, both of you, just stop it, OK? Stop it. Cant we all just get along, please?
Amy Poehler: Yeah Oh, I got one!
A black guy and a Mexican guy are in a car. Whos driving?
Tina Fey: I dont know. [both President Fox and Rev. Sharptonshake their heads, puzzled]
Amy Poehler: A cop! [applause; all four share a hearty laugh]
Tina Fey: Oh, wonderful!
President Vicente Fox: You know, my old friend[puts his hand onRev. Sharptons shoulder] if we cannot laugh at ourselves, then who canwe laugh at?
Rev. Al Sharpton: [brief pause] The Chinese? [the two laugh onceagain]
Tina Fey: President Fox and Al Sharpton, everyone! [cheers andapplause]
Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[more applause as Tina and Amy hug; fade]Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo