Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
Anderson Cooper 360
Anderson Cooper…..Seth Meyers
Mayor Ray Nagin…..Finesse Mitchell
Tony Danza…..Fred Armisen
Mamie Thibodeaux…..Maya Rudolph
Sharon Stone…..Amy Poehler
Al Pacino…..Bill Heder
Ray Romano…..Steve Carell
Aaron Neville…..Horatio Sanz
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
(open on Anderson Cooper doing a show intro standing in front of a rebuilding construction site)
Anderson: Good evening Im Anderson Cooper. Devastation in New Orleans, families trying to piece their lives together, cars and trees. Its 7 PM on the east coast, 4 PM on the west. 360 starts now.
(Intro montage of scenes of Katrina devastation with SUPER: Anderson Cooper 360, STATE of EMERGENCY)
Anderson: Im Anderson Cooper and welcome back to this special edition of 360 from Jefferson Parish, La. I stand here amidst, uh, massive devastation among the ruins of a once great city and yet, somehow, I still manage to look great. Im here now with New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. Mayor Nagin, give us an update.
Nagin: (SUPER: Ray Nagin Mayor of New Orleans) Well Katrina oh my god, we were so desperate after Katrina, I asked for 150 million volunteers. That was way too many. So I told everybody to just go home. But then I realized, I shouldnt have sent everyone home, ya know. We needed some people so, I asked people to come back and it has been an overwhelming show of support, from the whole country. Especially the entertainment community. Although, I DO wanna say, we coulda done without Sean Penn and his boat full of guns. That is not ideal in a crisis situation.
Anderson: So, uh, Mr. Mayor, you have a bit of a celebrity construction crew here.
Nagin: Yes, yes. Despite their general lack of any construction experience, they are helping build this house. I mean, look at that. Tony Danza! (gestures behind him)
(camera and Anderson move back to find Tony Danza working in a long sleeve sport coat audience applause)
Tony: (thick Italian Danza accent) Hey Anderson! Yeah look at me, Im really helpin out. Im really doin it! (chuckle) Me! Tony Danza!
Anderson: Um uh, it looks like youre sawing a chair in half Tony. (laughter)
Tony: (stops sawing) Its the least I could do.
Anderson: Um, lets take the time to meet the family that will be moving in when this house is finished. This is um, Mamie Thibodeaux (camera moves over to Mamie, pregnant, dressed in curlers and a Miami Heat jersey) um, who completely lost her home in hurricane Katrina but shes already moving into a new one thanks to the generosity of these very familiar faces. Mrs. Tibodeaux, how are you?
Mamie: (SUPER: MAMIE THIBODEAUX) Well, to think that just a few days ago we didnt have no house, no food, no clothes see we still wouldnt have any clothes if it wasnt for the good people at the Boudreaux costume shop.
(camera pans over to her 3 young boys, dressed in Halloween costumes, Cartrell dressed as Spongebob Squarepants)
Cartrell: Why I gotta be Spongebob? (laughter & applause)
Mamie: You should just be happy to have clothes on your back Cartrell!
Tony: Hey! (holding up an autographed T-shirt) You guys want a Tony Danza t-shirt?
(All 3 boys shake their heads and mumble no)
Sharon: (off-camera) Ohhh ho! Painting is WONderful!!
(Anderson moves back behind Mamie to Sharon Stone painting a wall and Al Pacino installing a door at a 45 degree angle to the actual door frame)
Anderson: Well uh, this is interesting. Lets take a look over here. Weve got a couple of Oscar nominated, uh, carpenters of sorts. We have Sharon Stone & Al Pacino (Al turns around, slouched at the shoulders, and nods at the camera while Sharon smiles widely) um, there we are um.
Sharon: (leaning back and arching her back to talk to the microphone) Hello Anderson!
Anderson: Um, Sharon tell us, do you have any previous experience with construction?
Sharon: (shakes head and chuckles) Absolutely not, but I have partied with a few construction workers.
Anderson: And um, Mr Pacino, um, Im no expert here, but, I think youre trying to put a door where a window is supposed to be.
Pacino: Anderson. We are building a new house in New New Orleans. Well put the doors wherever we want. (audience chuckles) What?!?! (Pacino turns and looks to his left) Awwww! There a shihtzu stuck in a Spanish oak tree. I go to save that dog. (audience laughs and claps)
(camera pans over and Cartrell has joined Anderson)
Cartrell: Man Im telling you, he has saved that dog like 5 times already but he keeps goin back up in the tree! Im pretty sure its scared of Pacino.
(gunshot is heard from off camera in direction Pacino went. Cartrell and Anderson cower and look around)
Anderson: Uh were hearing some gunshots from outside. Its hard to know exactly what it could be.
(Ray Romano comes around a corner behind Anderson)
Uh hold on I see Mr. Ray Romano is coming inside.
Ray: Yeah, uh hey everybody, its OK. (audience claps in approval of Steve Carells impression of Ray Romanos voice)
Anderson: So uh, tell us Ray, uh, what happened?
Ray: Aaaaaaa, it’s just Sean Penn. Hes shooting at the FEMA helicopters, cause theyre mad that they showed up late.
Anderson: OK, I see and um, what have you been doing out here Ray?
Ray: Aaaaaaa, mostly, trying to keep Sean Penn calm, you know (more gunshots from outside along with helicopters). Its uh, not really working. I better go check on this. On the positive side, I think hes almost out of ammo.
Anderson: Ok thanks, keep up the good work Ray.
Aaron: (off camera, sung to the tune of Everybody plays the fool) “Everybody plays the blues, sometiiiime.”
Anderson: (shakes head) I think we can assume that those dulcet tones can mean only one thing um (Anderson moves to right to find Aaron Neville hammering away) New Orleans own Aaron Neville.
Aaron: (to the tune of I dont know much) “I dont know much, but I know how to hammer a nail into a wall, and that may be, all theyre willing to let me do.” (applause as Aaron picks the hammer back up and begins banging).
Anderson: Well from the looks of things, those nails are clearly not going in the right place (the wall has about 30 nails sticking out of it pointing in all different directions) but uh, I think we can rest assured that Mr. Nevilles heart is in the right place. (As he says this, the hammer slips out of Aarons hand on the backswing and flies off behind them) Oh my goodness!! Um er, wha, what happened there Mr. Neville?
Aaron: (in Aaron Neville singing style, taking microphone from Anderson) “I got too much cocoa-butter lotion on my hands. Woooo Oooooo!” (hands microphone back to Anderson)
Anderson: (shakes microphone off) People helping people, or more accurately, famous people helping regular people. Its obviously a very exciting time here. (Geraldo Rivera and his cameraman come around the corner behind Anderson and moves up next to him)
Geraldo: This is Geraldo Rivera for FOX news (crowd applause)
Anderson: Actually, no um, its 360 Im Anderson Cooper (Geraldo turns and looks at him and Anderson sheepishly shies away) um, OK.
Geraldo: Im reporting live from the cretinous crater of the crescent city catastrophe, where the last few days Ive saved literally thousands of babies, black babies, white babies, this morning I saved an asian baby. When it comes to saving babies, Geraldo Rivera is colorblind, in fact, Im about to save this baby right now. (camera pans to one of Mamies sons, who is dressed as a baby in yellow PJs, blue bonnet and pacifier) He is going to go
Cartrell: Hey man!
Cartrell: He aint no baby. Hes 32 years old.
Geraldo: (turns to Cartrell) As you can see, this young man is in the grips of a dastardly delirium brought on by the buffeting blasts of Katrinas gale force onslaught. My first priority is to get him to safety aboard my flotilla, fashioned from flotsam and jetsam and the silky hairs of my own mustache. (loud gunshots, Geraldo flinches and stays hunched as he and his cameraman hurry off to the right) And thats it for me, Geraldo Rivera FOX news.
Anderson: (passing Geraldo as he comes back onscreen) Well we will uh, take this as our cue to go as I suspect and (looks off to the right as we hear sound of a car being started and driven off) yes Im right, Geraldo has taken our van. This is Anderson Cooper join me tomorrow when Ill be wearing a new Roberto Cavalli raincoat. Youre watching 360.
(crowd cheers as closing scene SUPER comes up)
Submitted by: Chris Feltham