Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
(open on Lorne Michaels and Maya Rudolph standing outside Kanye Wests dressing room in the hallway outside the studio. Maya is pregnant and looks to be due any day now.)
Maya: (rubbing her belly) I dunno, I think people can tell.
Lorne: I honestly dont think so.
Maya: Really? I mean Im 8 months pregnant, and I think people are kind of on to it by now.
Lorne: Im standing right next to you and I cant tell.
(Finesse comes up the hallway and slides past them)
Finesse: Excuse me.
Lorne: Hey! I need you!
Finesse: (pointing at Mayas belly) I did not do that! (crowd laughs)
Maya: He still works here? (she exits to the front)
Lorne: I need you to do me a favor and check on Kanye, will you?
Finesse: You want me to make sure hes not gonna say anything crazy before he goes on performance, huh?
Lorne: Exactly, Kee
Finesse: Finesse!! Look, it’s my third season, Lorne! Finesse!
Lorne: I wasnt gonna say Kenan. I was gonna say.. (thinking) keeeeep it real.
Finesse: Oh oh ok ok.
Lorne: Just dont let him know Im worried. That could make it worse.
Finesse: No no. I got it. Ill take care of everything.
(Finesse turns and knocks on the door)
Finesse: Knock knock!! (sings) She gives me money!
(Finesse enters the room and the door closes for like a second before Kanye steps out)
Kanye: You sent the black guy in ’cause you thought I was gonna say something crazy?
Lorne: Uh, Kanye LOOK! (points behind the camera, then runs off the other way down the hall)
(Kanye continues down the hall towards the studio. As he turns the corner, while putting on his shades, he comes upon Mike Myers at the craft services, having a coffee. Audience cheers wildly for Mike)
Mike: (awkwardly) So uh Kanye hey! So uh hows everything goin? (nervous laugh) I havent seen you since uh when was it?
Kanye: The telethon?
Mike: Oh right. I forgot. The telethon. I got a lotta calls about it. Yeah. Mostly from the FBI and the IRS. They uh took away my American citizenship (maniacal laughter). Still got my Canadian one to fall back on. You know Im a Canuck! Pretty sure my phones tapped. They follow me now.
Kanye: (looking distracted) So uh, everythings good?
Mike: Yeah, great. (looks like he expects Kanye to slap him)
Kanye: Well uh, party on, Wayne!
Mike: Party on! Party on! (Kanye leaves and Mike turns and begins sobbing on the table)
(crowd claps and Kanye makes his way to stageside entrance)
Steve Carell: Ladies and gentlemen – Kanye West!!
(Kanye comes out and performs Gold Digger)
Submitted by: Chris Feltham