Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
NBC News Special Report
Tim Russert…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Wolf Blitzer…..Chris Parnell
[ open on “NBC News Special Report” logo ]
Announcer: This is an NBC News Special Report. Here now, is Tim Russert.[ dissolve to Tim Russert hunched over at the news desk ]
Tim Russert: Saturday, September 22nd. President Bush, embattled on every front. The war in Iraq. Hurricane Katrina. His top Republican, Tom Delay, asked to step down. And the lowest approval rating of his presidency. Can he, the President, turn it around? The answer is just seconds away. President Bush, speaking live, from the White House. Let’s listen.[ dissolve to empty podium in the White House press room. Bush approaches the podium. ]
President George W. Bush: Good evening. Before I take any questions, let me just speak to the American people, about the current situation down there in the Gulf. It’s getting better. I’ve been.. to the area. I’ve gone, uh, seven times. [ chuckles ] And I’ve handed out fresh water, to people who needed water. I did this, without my suit jacket on. You know, I know I was a little late getting down there, but, uh.. now I’ve been down there. Seven times. [ holds up seven fingers ] Heck, you know, I might head on back down there tomorrow. That would be eight. [ holds up eight fingers ] You know, whatever it takes. I don’t want to put a number on it. Maybe 10, or 12. You know, people are still trying to get out of there. And I’m going back in. So, you know I’m in total control of this situation.
Now, uh.. here comes the part I hate. Do you, uh.. have.. any questions? [ looks around ] Terry?
Terry: Uh, Mr. President, Democrats and many Republicans are concerned about the amount of spending this administration has been talking about, somewherearound $400 billion, for both the reconstruction and the war in Iraq. Where is this money going to come from?
President George W. Bush: I went through this before, Terry! You know, it’s going to take what it’s going to take! Stop asking where the money is going to come from. You know, Idon’t like that question. You know, the money is going to come.. from.. where money comes from. You know? If you cut taxes, and you spend more, then you get more. That’s simple math. You know, no money coming in. Money going out. It all evens out. Stupid question. [ looks around ] Blitz?
Wolf Blitzer: Mr. President, if I could, I would like to return to those first few days where it seemed like you and your administration were strangely unaware of the devastation that all of America was seeing on TV. Why do you think the response was so slow coming from the White House?
President George W. Bush: As you may remember, Blitz, when this whole thing started, I was on my usual six-week vacation. You know, like every American takes. You know, I had about a week left. Three days into this terrible tragedy, I made the hard decision to cut my vacation short. You know, I still had two days left. You know, I could have cleared a lot of brush in those two days. But I didn’t. I flew right back to the White House, making sure to fly over the devastation for a quick look-see. You know, when I got back, I sat and waited for someone, anyone, to call FEMA for help and no one called. Not the mayor, not the governor. So I waited some more. Still no call. More waiting. More no calling. Those were hard, hard days. I began to wonder, you know, who’s in charge of this situation? You all know me – I couldn’t wait for ananswer. I sprung into action, and held a speech without my suit jacket on. [ looks around ] Nora?
Nora: Mr. President, many key figures in the Republican Party are under federal investigation. Are you going to hold men like Karl Rove responsible for his actions if he’s found guilty?
President George W. Bush: Well, as you know, uh, Karl is currently under investigation, and it’s the policy of this administration not to comment on an ongoing investigation.
Nora: Yeah? What about Tom Delay?
President George W. Bush: Also under investigation.
Nora: Bill Frist?
President George W. Bush: Investigation.
Nora: Scooter Libbey?
President George W. Bush: Investigato!
Nora: Jack Abramoff?
President George W. Bush: Oh, I see where you’re going with this, Nora, and I thank you for your question because this is something I want to talk about: 9/11. September 11th was a wake-up call. Katrina was also a wake-up call. And then Rita came along, and it also woke me up. [ chuckles ] I don’t like wake-up calls. I’m a sleeper-Inner. You know, who knows when the next wake-up call is coming? You know, I just hope the next wake-up call is not: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”