SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Debbie Downer



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1






05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Debbie Downer

MC…..Kenan Thompson
Woman…..Amy Poehler
Man #1…..Fred Armisen
Man #2…..Horatio Sanz
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Bob Bummer…..Steve Carell

[open on reception with bride and groom slow-dancing to the side while four attendees are seated]

MC: All right, put your hands together for Mr. and Mrs. Paul Anderson! All right, I will be back in just a bit. Please, enjoy your dinners!

Woman: Aw, you guys, I love weddings!

Man #1: This is one of the best ever!

Man #2: Aw, and don’t they look perfect together?

Debbie Downer: Yeah, but so did Renée and Kenny.

Woman: What?

Debbie Downer: Zellweger and Chesney. They looked great together, too. Let’s just hope this marriage doesn’t end in [air quotes] “fraud.”

Man #1: What?

Debbie Downer: Wish them luck. The only thing higher than gas prices in this country are divorce rates. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

[dissolve to jingle montage]

Jingle: “You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!” [zoom on Debbie’s sad face] [dissolve to reception]

Man #1: Ah, does anyone else need butter?

Debbie Downer: Oh, none for me, thanks. My doctor says, with my arteries in their condition, it’s highly unlikely I’ll live to see seventy. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wah wahhhhh]

Bob Bummer: [arriving at table] Hi, I guess I’m supposed to be sitting here. I’m Paul’s friend, Bob.

[everyone at table greets him]

Bob Bummer: [sitting] Wow, great wedding. Look at this spread. Could have used all this food at the Superdome. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm] Let’s all have fun tonight. But let’s be vigilant. According to recent Al Qaeda chatter, they’re going to be aiming for smaller targets. Like weddings. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

[dissolve to jingle montage]

Jingle: “Boom wakka wakka wakka / You were mindin’ your own bees wax / to the point where you / can re-lax / but you’re gonna get an earful / of bleak facts / from / Bob Bummer.” [zoom on Bob’s frowning face] [dissolve to reception]

Man #2: Hey, I think the bride and groom should give each other a smooch! What do you think? [everyone clinks their glasses]

Debbie Downer: Hey, do you think Bob’s single? He’s handsome, smart, and charming. Of course, so was Ted Bundy. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

[Man #2 drops his fork]

Woman: Debbie, why don’t you just go talk to him?

Debbie Downer: Yeah? He does look fun.

Bob Bummer: The problem that really keeps me up at night is feline AIDS. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

Debbie & Bob Bummer: It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

[“meow meowwwww” sound effect as close up cuts from Debbie to Bob, with one “meow” for each]

Debbie Downer: Wow, I haven’t smiled this much since the Scott Peterson verdict. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: quick wah wah]

Bob Bummer: Oh, Debbie, you make me forget that the coming Asian flue epidemic could take a billion lives. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

Debbie Downer: I had heard higher. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched, quick wah wah]

Man #2: All right, I’m out of here. [stands and leaves]

Debbie Downer: Bob, would I be a fool to ask you to hold me all night?

Bob Bummer: Not at all, but I get up a lot due to my problems with frequent urination. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

Debbie Downer: Oh, it’s okay. I’m prone to night terrors. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: very high pitched, quick wah wah]

[remaining man and woman stand and leave without another word]

Bob Bummer: Wanna come to my room, and help me inspect my hotel mattress for human stains? I packed a blacklight.

Debbie Downer: [gasps] I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.

[camera closes in on Debbie and Bob’s faces with trumpet and drum simultaneously playing signature sound effects] [dissolve to end title card with close-up of Debbie and Bob’s faces]

Jingle: “No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

Debbie & Bob Bummer: Wake up. The corn belt is now the crystal meth belt.

[fade]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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