Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
Man #1…..Fred Armisen
Man #2…..Horatio Sanz
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Bob Bummer…..Steve Carell
MC: All right, put your hands together for Mr. and Mrs. Paul Anderson! All right, I will be back in just a bit. Please, enjoy your dinners!
Woman: Aw, you guys, I love weddings!
Man #1: This is one of the best ever!
Man #2: Aw, and don’t they look perfect together?
Debbie Downer: Yeah, but so did Renée and Kenny.
Debbie Downer: Zellweger and Chesney. They looked great together, too. Let’s just hope this marriage doesn’t end in [air quotes] “fraud.”
Man #1: What?
Debbie Downer: Wish them luck. The only thing higher than gas prices in this country are divorce rates. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh][dissolve to jingle montage]
Jingle: “You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!” [zoom on Debbie’s sad face] [dissolve to reception]
Man #1: Ah, does anyone else need butter?
Debbie Downer: Oh, none for me, thanks. My doctor says, with my arteries in their condition, it’s highly unlikely I’ll live to see seventy. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wah wahhhhh]
Bob Bummer: [arriving at table] Hi, I guess I’m supposed to be sitting here. I’m Paul’s friend, Bob.[everyone at table greets him]
Bob Bummer: [sitting] Wow, great wedding. Look at this spread. Could have used all this food at the Superdome. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm] Let’s all have fun tonight. But let’s be vigilant. According to recent Al Qaeda chatter, they’re going to be aiming for smaller targets. Like weddings. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm][dissolve to jingle montage]
Jingle: “Boom wakka wakka wakka / You were mindin’ your own bees wax / to the point where you / can re-lax / but you’re gonna get an earful / of bleak facts / from / Bob Bummer.” [zoom on Bob’s frowning face] [dissolve to reception]
Man #2: Hey, I think the bride and groom should give each other a smooch! What do you think? [everyone clinks their glasses]
Debbie Downer: Hey, do you think Bob’s single? He’s handsome, smart, and charming. Of course, so was Ted Bundy. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh][Man #2 drops his fork]
Woman: Debbie, why don’t you just go talk to him?
Debbie Downer: Yeah? He does look fun.
Bob Bummer: The problem that really keeps me up at night is feline AIDS. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]
Debbie & Bob Bummer: It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.[“meow meowwwww” sound effect as close up cuts from Debbie to Bob, with one “meow” for each]
Debbie Downer: Wow, I haven’t smiled this much since the Scott Peterson verdict. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: quick wah wah]
Bob Bummer: Oh, Debbie, you make me forget that the coming Asian flue epidemic could take a billion lives. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]
Debbie Downer: I had heard higher. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched, quick wah wah]
Man #2: All right, I’m out of here. [stands and leaves]
Debbie Downer: Bob, would I be a fool to ask you to hold me all night?
Bob Bummer: Not at all, but I get up a lot due to my problems with frequent urination. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]
Debbie Downer: Oh, it’s okay. I’m prone to night terrors. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: very high pitched, quick wah wah][remaining man and woman stand and leave without another word]
Bob Bummer: Wanna come to my room, and help me inspect my hotel mattress for human stains? I packed a blacklight.
Debbie Downer: [gasps] I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.[camera closes in on Debbie and Bob’s faces with trumpet and drum simultaneously playing signature sound effects] [dissolve to end title card with close-up of Debbie and Bob’s faces]
Jingle: “No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”
Debbie & Bob Bummer: Wake up. The corn belt is now the crystal meth belt.[fade]
Submitted by: DavidK93