Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
Jet Blue Flight #292
Aaron Brown…..Darrel Hammond
Greg Benedetto…..Seth Meyers
Daniel Lane…..Bill Hader
Woman: Oh, that was an amazing vacation.
Larry: Oh, three weeks in Burbank. Fantastic.
Pilot: [voice over] Hello, this is your captain speaking. Just wanted to welcome you aboard Jet Blue flight 292, non-stop service to Kennedy Airport. We just reached our cruising altitude, so I’m going to turn off the “fasten seatbelts” sign. Oh, and it looks like we’re going to keep the landing gear down for the duration of the flight. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just FYI.
Woman: The landing gear’s down? Is that normal.
Larry: Oh, honey, don’t worry. This is Jet Blue. Everything’s just a little more relaxed.
Woman: Well, they got 35 channels of satellite TV. That’s enough to make me relax. [they put on headsets, and the woman taps the controls a few times to change the channel] [dissolve to on-board television set with news report]
Aaron Brown: We now join a breaking story out of Burbank, California. The landing gear on Jet Blue flight 292 has malfunctioned, and the plane is about to attempt an emergency landing in Los Angeles.[dissolve to plane]
Woman: Oh my God, are you watching this?
Larry: I am. I can’t believe it’s the male seahorse that gets pregnant.
Woman: No, not Animal Planet! That’s our plane on TV!
Larry: Yeah, that’s right honey. I know. On Jet Blue, there is TV on the plane.
Woman: No, our plane is on the TV! The landing gear’s broken; we’re making an emergency landing.
Larry: Honey, I think they would tell us if we were making an emergency landing.
Pilot: [voice over] Attention passengers, slight change of plans. Seems like we’re going to make a little pit stop in Los Angeles. Nothing to worry about. We’re also offering a great selection of Terra Blue potato chips. So sit back and enjoy the flight. Thanks again for flying Jet Blue.
Woman: [wraps her arms around herself] Did you hear that?
Larry: Yeah, Terra Blue because it’s Jet Blue. Very clever.
Woman: No, no, they said we’re making an emergency landing.
Larry: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, [removes headphones] we’re making a pit stop. Come on, there’s a big difference. Just relax, okay. Oh, “Charles in Charge”! [puts headphones back on][dissolve to news report with caption: “Jet Blue: Code Red?”]
Aaron Brown: New details from inside Jet Blue flight 292. Apparently the flight attendants are serving Terra Blue potato chips , a last meal of sorts for the 140 passengers facing almost certain death.[dissolve to plane, with woman nervously eating Terra Blue potato chips] [dissolve to news report]
Aaron Brown: Here to comment on the tragedy is aerodynamic specialist Greg Benedetto. And, Greg, just what are those passengers facing?[split screen and then dissolve to Greg Benedetto with caption: “Greg Benedetto; U.S. Institute of Aeronautics”]
Greg Benedetto: Well, it’s not pretty, Aaron. The front landing gear is twisted in a ninety degree angle. Using a computer model, we’ve predicted precisely how the plane will land. [dissolve to computer graphic of plane landing on runway with small flames under the front] As you can see, [flames expand to encompass wing] you don’t have to be an expert to see that that’s not good. [small explosions wrack the fuselage] Pretty bad. [a large explosion briefly obscures the entire plane] More explosions. And even with fire trucks on the scene [two fire trucks arrive and immediately burst into flames], it’s doubtful that there would be any survivors. [people on fire run frantically from the plane][dissolve to split screen]
Aaron Brown: Now, what are those there?
Greg Benedetto: Oh, those are the survivors, but as you can see from the graphic, they’re not going to make it.
Aaron Brown: Wow, that is really terrific stuff, Greg, just amazing what computers can do. [dissolve to plane]
Woman: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you watching this?!
Larry: What? What is going on?
Woman: Our plane is going to explode!
Larry: [removes headphones, and “Charles in Charge” theme song is heard] Oh, honey, how could you know that?
Pilot: [voice over] Hey everyone. Hope you’re enjoying your complimentary beverage. Just a heads up, we’re going to do what we like to call a “Jet Blue how do you do,” which is slang for dumping a bunch of fuel in the ocean. Fun little tradition. Anyway, enjoy the flight.
Woman: Did you hear that? We’re dumping fuel.
Larry: Honey, we’re on a plane. Of course we’re dumping fuel.[woman’s expression conveys disbelief] [dissolve to news repot]
Aaron Brown: Joining us now is psychologist Daniel Lane. [split screen] And, Dr. Lane, it’s been suggested that some of the passengers may be watching these events unfold on their in-flight televisions, and how could that affect the situation?[dissolve to Daniel Lane sitting on a leather chair with title: “Dr. Daniel Lane; Emory University]
Daniel Lane: Well, it’s the age-old question: Do you want to know exactly how and when you’re going to die, or would you rather not know?
Aaron Brown: And what is the professional consensus?
Daniel Lane: Oh, you don’t want to know! Knowing makes it, like, ten times worse. [chuckles][dissolve to plane]
Woman: Oh, God! Aaaaah!
Larry: I know, I know, Home and Garden. What a channel![dissolve to news report]
Aaron Brown: All right, I am just getting word that we’re going live to the runway where the Jet Blue flight is about to explode.[dissolve to plane]
Woman: Larry, Larry, are we going to die?! I love you!
Larry: Oh, wow! Your breath smells like potato chips.
Woman: Oh, my God! We’re going to land![dissolve to footage of flight 292 successfully landing] [dissolve to plane interior with applauding passengers]
Larry: Game Show Network, no whammies!
Woman: I can’t believe it, we’re alive!
Pilot: [voice over] Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve arrive in Los Angeles. Not exactly Kennedy Airport, but we did land three hours ahead of schedule. Once again, thank you for flying Jet Blue.
Submitted by: DavidK93