Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
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05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West
Steve Carell’s Monologue
…..Steve Carell
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Amy Poehler
…..Horatio Sanz
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Steve Carell.
Steve Carell: Thank you very much. This is the season premiere of”Saturday Night Live,” and it is the very first show in high-definition. Amazing. Yeah! Now, you may not know this, but about ten years ago, I auditioned for this very show, and it was between me and another guy, and they chose the other guy.
[ show close-up of Will Ferrell dressed as Craig the Cheerleader ]
Steve Carell: Don’t, uh.. don’t be sad for me, because things have been going pretty well. I’m on a hit series, “The Office.” A critically-acclaimed series, “The Office.” And my movie, “The 40 Year-Old Virgin
“, just surpassed $100 million. [ audience cheers ] Now, not a lot of comedies reach the $100 million mark. [ sniffs the air, releasing a heavy sound effect ] Know what that smell is?That is rarified air. See, I’m in the big leagues now. I’m in a category with the Vince vaughns, the Owen wilsons, and the Ben stillers.
[ singing, as he sways into the audience ]
“I’m one of those guys now
Raking the box office numbers.
I’m not bragging, but it’s not bad to brag
When you’re just like Jack Black but better!”
[ Kenan Thompson appears ]
Steve Carell: Hey, Kenan, my movie just made over $100 million!
Kenan Thompson: $100 million?! Who can imagine that much money?!
Steve Carell: I can. I’m the best!
[ continues singing ]
“Hey, move over, will Ferrell
Vince Vaughn, out of my way.
I hear stiller’s a big kiss-ass
And Owen Wilson is gay!”
[ Amy Poehler and Horatio Sanz appear ]
Amy Poehler: I-I-I don’t think Owen Wilson is gay.
Steve Carell: We’re up for the same parts quite a bit. [ a beat ] Hey, guess what, Horatio – my movie broke $100 million. Why don’t you two go buy yourselves a sailboat? [ throws wads of money at Amy and Horatio ]
Horatio Sanz: You’re the best in the biz, Steve carell!
Steve Carell: [ continues singing ]
“I started off on Jon Stewart
Basic cable is way in my past.
Now that I’m box office brilliant
Money falls from my ass!”
[ squats gently, as loud coin sound effects are heard ]
“I look better in high-definition
Which brings out my baby blue eyes
And shows my teeth’s perfect condition
And did I mention money falls from my ass?”
[ squats gently again, as loud coin sound effects are heard ]
“Everyone, out of my way!
(Everyone, out of his way!)
old ladies and has-beens and children
I’m on the top, and I can’t be stopped.
So stand back, Wilson!
Stand back, Ferrell!
Stand back, Vince Vaughn!
Stand back, Stiller!
I am one of you now, I’m go-o-o-o-olllld!!Box-office gold!I’m go-o-o-o-olllld!!”
Steve Carell: We have a great show tonight. Kanye West is here. We’ll be right back.
“I’m go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-olllld….”
