SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Steve Carell’s Monologue

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1






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05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Steve Carell’s Monologue

…..Steve Carell
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Amy Poehler
…..Horatio Sanz

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Steve Carell.

Steve Carell: Thank you very much. This is the season premiere of”Saturday Night Live,” and it is the very first show in high-definition. Amazing. Yeah! Now, you may not know this, but about ten years ago, I auditioned for this very show, and it was between me and another guy, and they chose the other guy.

[ show close-up of Will Ferrell dressed as Craig the Cheerleader ]

Steve Carell: Don’t, uh.. don’t be sad for me, because things have been going pretty well. I’m on a hit series, “The Office.” A critically-acclaimed series, “The Office.” And my movie, “The 40 Year-Old Virgin“, just surpassed $100 million. [ audience cheers ] Now, not a lot of comedies reach the $100 million mark. [ sniffs the air, releasing a heavy sound effect ] Know what that smell is?That is rarified air. See, I’m in the big leagues now. I’m in a category with the Vince vaughns, the Owen wilsons, and the Ben stillers.

[ singing, as he sways into the audience ]“I’m one of those guys now
Raking the box office numbers.
I’m not bragging, but it’s not bad to brag
When you’re just like Jack Black but better!”

[ Kenan Thompson appears ]

Steve Carell: Hey, Kenan, my movie just made over $100 million!

Kenan Thompson: $100 million?! Who can imagine that much money?!

Steve Carell: I can. I’m the best!

[ continues singing ]“Hey, move over, will Ferrell
Vince Vaughn, out of my way.
I hear stiller’s a big kiss-ass
And Owen Wilson is gay!”

[ Amy Poehler and Horatio Sanz appear ]

Amy Poehler: I-I-I don’t think Owen Wilson is gay.

Steve Carell: We’re up for the same parts quite a bit. [ a beat ] Hey, guess what, Horatio – my movie broke $100 million. Why don’t you two go buy yourselves a sailboat? [ throws wads of money at Amy and Horatio ]

Horatio Sanz: You’re the best in the biz, Steve carell!

Steve Carell: [ continues singing ]“I started off on Jon Stewart
Basic cable is way in my past.
Now that I’m box office brilliant
Money falls from my ass!”

[ squats gently, as loud coin sound effects are heard ]

“I look better in high-definition
Which brings out my baby blue eyes
And shows my teeth’s perfect condition
And did I mention money falls from my ass?”

[ squats gently again, as loud coin sound effects are heard ]

“Everyone, out of my way!
(Everyone, out of his way!)
old ladies and has-beens and children
I’m on the top, and I can’t be stopped.
So stand back, Wilson!
Stand back, Ferrell!
Stand back, Vince Vaughn!
Stand back, Stiller!
I am one of you now, I’m go-o-o-o-olllld!!Box-office gold!I’m go-o-o-o-olllld!!”

Steve Carell: We have a great show tonight. Kanye West is here. We’ll be right back.

“I’m go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-olllld….”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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