Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West
[ open on Ashley and her boyfriend standing outside the high school ] [ tag: “Tappan Regional High School – 2:10 p.m.” ] [ minivan pulls up to the curb, as an angry man rushes out of it and toward Ashley and her boyfriend ]
Man: You’ve really done it this time, Ashley. Smoking pot at school?[ Ashley throws her school books to the ground ]
Man: [ bends down to pick up the books ] That’s going to look good on a college application. That’s gonna put you right in the top earning bracket for rest of your life. [ looks at the boyfriend ] Who is this, your dealer? I guess I’m supposed to give him a ride, too? [ throws all the books into the back seat of the minivan ] I’m not kidding when I tell you this, young lady. If you don’t get into a decent college I’m going to empty out your college fund. And so help me, I’ll.. [ thinks of a punishment severe enough ] Buy a boat!
Man: Fine! [ everyone climbs into the minivan ] You dress like a total whore by the way.
Ashley: I hate you!
Man: Well, I hate stupidity. And you’re going to be paying credit card interest on that street walker outfit until you’re too fat and old to wear it anymore.
Boyfriend: [ whispers to Ashley ] Your Dad’s kind of a dick.[ now in the driver’s seat, the man violently struggles to adjust the steering wheel ]
Ashley: That’s not my Dad. That’s our Morgan Stanley guy. [ Dad appears in the passenger seat of the minivan ] Hi, Dad.
Dad: Hey, you kids want to go for ice cream?
Man: Damn it, Frank, grow a pair!
Dad: [ silently ] Sorry..[ Dad looks sullenly out the window, as the Morgan Stanley tag wipes in ]
Announcer: Morgan Stanley, committed to your family’s goals, maybe more than you are.[ fade ]