SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Morgan Stanley

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1







05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Morgan Stanley

Teacher…..John Lutz
Man…..Will Forte
Ashley…..Amy Poehler
Boyfriend…..Andy Samberg
Dad…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Ashley and her boyfriend standing outside the high school ] [ tag: “Tappan Regional High School – 2:10 p.m.” ] [ minivan pulls up to the curb, as an angry man rushes out of it and toward Ashley and her boyfriend ]

Man: You’ve really done it this time, Ashley. Smoking pot at school?

[ Ashley throws her school books to the ground ]

Man: [ bends down to pick up the books ] That’s going to look good on a college application. That’s gonna put you right in the top earning bracket for rest of your life. [ looks at the boyfriend ] Who is this, your dealer? I guess I’m supposed to give him a ride, too? [ throws all the books into the back seat of the minivan ] I’m not kidding when I tell you this, young lady. If you don’t get into a decent college I’m going to empty out your college fund. And so help me, I’ll.. [ thinks of a punishment severe enough ] Buy a boat!

Ashley: Fine!

Man: Fine! [ everyone climbs into the minivan ] You dress like a total whore by the way.

Ashley: I hate you!

Man: Well, I hate stupidity. And you’re going to be paying credit card interest on that street walker outfit until you’re too fat and old to wear it anymore.

Boyfriend: [ whispers to Ashley ] Your Dad’s kind of a dick.

[ now in the driver’s seat, the man violently struggles to adjust the steering wheel ]

Ashley: That’s not my Dad. That’s our Morgan Stanley guy. [ Dad appears in the passenger seat of the minivan ] Hi, Dad.

Dad: Hey, you kids want to go for ice cream?

Man: Damn it, Frank, grow a pair!

Dad: [ silently ] Sorry..

[ Dad looks sullenly out the window, as the Morgan Stanley tag wipes in ]

Announcer: Morgan Stanley, committed to your family’s goals, maybe more than you are.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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