SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: The Couple That Should Be Divorced


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

The Couple That Should Be Divorced

Neil…..Steve Carell
Karen…..Rachel Dratch
Sally Needler…..Amy Poehler
Dan Needler…..Seth Meyers
Waiter…..Jason Sudeikis

[open on restaurant interior, with Neil and Karen taking their seats]

Neil: I’ve heard some great things about this restaurant.

Karen: Hey, why are we at a table for four?

Neil: Oh, uh, yeah, honey, I didn’t know how to tell you this, but Sally and Dan Needler are coming.

Karen: Ugh, Sally and Dan Needler? They’re going to fight all night.

Neil: I–well, listen, Dan is my best friend from school, Karen, plus I heard they’ve been going to some counseling. They should be fine.

[Sally and Dan enter]

Sally: Hey, hi guys!

Dan: Hi guys!

Sally: Sorry we’re late. Someone got pulled over.

Dan: And someone has a crush on a highway patrolman.

Sally: Well, at least he paid attention to me.

Dan: Well, of course he did, honey. You were smiling at him so much, he probably thought you were on crystal meth.

Sally: Wow, someone’s in a mood today.

Dan: [yelling over each other] Oh, am I?

Sally: [yelling over each other] Give me a break!

[hard rock jingle plays with still photo montage]

Male Singer: [singing voice over] “Now they’ve been fighting since their wedding day. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding] If you ask your friends, they all say. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation] The Needlers. [with title: “The Needlers”] The Couple That Should Be Divorced” Whoo!” [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas, and title repeated]

Voice Over: The Needlers.

[dissolve to restaurant]

Dan: So, it’s been ages, Neil. What’ve you been up to?

[the Needlers sit at the table]

Neil: Well, this summer I refinished the basement.

Sally: Oh, a finished basement. [to Dan] So it is possible.

Dan: Make you a deal. I’ll finish it as long as I can sleep in it when it’s done.

Sally: Okay, deal.

[they shake hands bitterly while Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]

Dan: Deal, great.

Waiter: [arriving] Hello, everyone. Can I take your drink order?

Karen: [indicating Neil] Oh, he will have a Manhattan.

Neil: [indicating Karen] And she will have a Merlot.

Waiter: All right.

Sally: And what sort of drink do you think I would have?

Waiter: Well, you look like cosmopolitan type girl to me.

Sally: [laughing, flattered] Oh, cosmpolitan? Okay, that sounds good.

Dan: I’ll let the highway patrolman down easy.

Sally: He never makes anything easy. Why should he start now?

Waiter: Ah, sir, what would you like to drink?

Dan: Can I get a scotch on the rocks?

Sally: Like our marriage.

Dan: And can I get that with a splash of water and, like, sixty sleeping pills? Thank you, that’d be great.

[waiter leaves]

Neil: So, how’s the golf game, Dan?

Dan: The golf game’s going pretty great. High score still wins, right? [Neil and Karen chuckle, but Sally sits stonefaced] [to Sally] How come you never laugh at anything I say?

Sally: Say something funny and I’ll laugh.

Dan: Okay. How’s this? Knock-knock.

Sally: Who’s there?

Dan: I’m miserable every waking second!

[Sally and Dan laugh loudly and mirthlessly while Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]

Sally: [still laughing] Hilarious!

[laughter stops]

Karen: Does everyone know what they’re getting?

Dan: Yeah, I think I’m going to get this beet salad.

Sally: What?

Dan: [slowly] The beet salad.

Sally: Bee salad?

Dan: [more slowly and with extreme emphasis] Beet salad.

Sally: Well, the first two times, you said “bee salad.”

Dan: Yeah, honey, I have a real craving for putting some bees in my mouth.

Neil: So, um, we have an announcement to make.

Karen: [sotto voce to Neil] Oh! I don’t think this is such a good time!

Neil: [sotto voce to Karen] It’s the only way I can get them to stop talking!

Sally: [brightly] Well, what is it?

Dan: Yeah.

Neil: We’re getting married.

Dan: Oh, my God!

Sally: Congratuations!

Dan: That’s fantastic!

Sally: Let me see the ring! [Karen reaches her hand over the table] Oh, wow, Neil really loves you! Gosh, either your ring is twice as big as mine, or I have grotesquely large hands.

Dan: [faux-sweetly] You have grotesquely large hands.

[Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]

Sally: So, how did you propose?

Neil: Ah, well, I took her to the beach where we first met.

Karen: He had a boat ready and then he made dinner.

Neil: And we had it on a moonlight sail.

Karen: Yeah.

Sally: Wow, so you didn’t get down on one knee in an Applebee’s parking lot and say, “We might as well do this.”?

Dan: And, tell me, Karen, did you wait the traditional six days before saying yes?

Karen: How’s counseling going?

Dan: Really good.

Sally: Really good, actually. I’m learning that I can be a little judgemental.

Dan: And I get to pay two hundred dollars for her to figure that out.

Sally: [shouting] All right, can I talk to you privately for a second?

Dan: [shouting] Of course you can!

[they stand]

Sally: [shouting] Fine!

Dan: [shouting] I would love to talk to you privately!

[they storm into the kitchen]

Karen: Oh, my God.

Neil: Wow, this is bad.

[the sound of glasses and dishes breaking comes from the kitchen]

Karen: Promise me we’ll never be like that?

Neil: I promise.

[the waiter comes out of the kitchen]

Waiter: Um, hi. Hey, we need you to do something about your friends. They’re being really loud.

Karen: Oh, I’m sorry.

Neil: Are they still fighting?

Waiter: No, no, no; they’re actually having sex in the kitchen.

Karen: No!

Waiter: Oh, yeah, they definitely are. I mean, the busboys are totally into it, but it’s, like, a huge health code violation.

[Sally and Dan return to the dining area]

Sally: Okay, sorry about that, everybody. We will pay for dinner.

Dan: Or, more accurately, I’ll pay for it, but we’ll share the credit?

Sally: [yelling into his face] Son of a bitch!

Dan: [yelling into her face] Oh, what?!

[freeze frame] [jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: “The Couple That Should Be Divorced”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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