Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 1
The Couple That Should Be Divorced
Sally Needler…..Amy Poehler
Dan Needler…..Seth Meyers
[open on restaurant interior, with Neil and Karen taking their seats]
Neil: I’ve heard some great things about this restaurant.
Karen: Hey, why are we at a table for four?
Neil: Oh, uh, yeah, honey, I didn’t know how to tell you this, but Sally and Dan Needler are coming.
Karen: Ugh, Sally and Dan Needler? They’re going to fight all night.
Neil: I–well, listen, Dan is my best friend from school, Karen, plus I heard they’ve been going to some counseling. They should be fine.[Sally and Dan enter]
Sally: Hey, hi guys!
Dan: Hi guys!
Sally: Sorry we’re late. Someone got pulled over.
Dan: And someone has a crush on a highway patrolman.
Sally: Well, at least he paid attention to me.
Dan: Well, of course he did, honey. You were smiling at him so much, he probably thought you were on crystal meth.
Sally: Wow, someone’s in a mood today.
Dan: [yelling over each other] Oh, am I?
Sally: [yelling over each other] Give me a break![hard rock jingle plays with still photo montage]
Male Singer: [singing voice over] “Now they’ve been fighting since their wedding day. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding] If you ask your friends, they all say. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation] The Needlers. [with title: “The Needlers”] The Couple That Should Be Divorced” Whoo!” [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas, and title repeated]
Voice Over: The Needlers.[dissolve to restaurant]
Dan: So, it’s been ages, Neil. What’ve you been up to?[the Needlers sit at the table]
Neil: Well, this summer I refinished the basement.
Sally: Oh, a finished basement. [to Dan] So it is possible.
Dan: Make you a deal. I’ll finish it as long as I can sleep in it when it’s done.
Sally: Okay, deal.[they shake hands bitterly while Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]
Dan: Deal, great.
Waiter: [arriving] Hello, everyone. Can I take your drink order?
Karen: [indicating Neil] Oh, he will have a Manhattan.
Neil: [indicating Karen] And she will have a Merlot.
Waiter: All right.
Sally: And what sort of drink do you think I would have?
Waiter: Well, you look like cosmopolitan type girl to me.
Sally: [laughing, flattered] Oh, cosmpolitan? Okay, that sounds good.
Dan: I’ll let the highway patrolman down easy.
Sally: He never makes anything easy. Why should he start now?
Waiter: Ah, sir, what would you like to drink?
Dan: Can I get a scotch on the rocks?
Sally: Like our marriage.
Dan: And can I get that with a splash of water and, like, sixty sleeping pills? Thank you, that’d be great.[waiter leaves]
Neil: So, how’s the golf game, Dan?
Dan: The golf game’s going pretty great. High score still wins, right? [Neil and Karen chuckle, but Sally sits stonefaced] [to Sally] How come you never laugh at anything I say?
Sally: Say something funny and I’ll laugh.
Dan: Okay. How’s this? Knock-knock.
Sally: Who’s there?
Dan: I’m miserable every waking second![Sally and Dan laugh loudly and mirthlessly while Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]
Sally: [still laughing] Hilarious![laughter stops]
Karen: Does everyone know what they’re getting?
Dan: Yeah, I think I’m going to get this beet salad.
Dan: [slowly] The beet salad.
Sally: Bee salad?
Dan: [more slowly and with extreme emphasis] Beet salad.
Sally: Well, the first two times, you said “bee salad.”
Dan: Yeah, honey, I have a real craving for putting some bees in my mouth.
Neil: So, um, we have an announcement to make.
Karen: [sotto voce to Neil] Oh! I don’t think this is such a good time!
Neil: [sotto voce to Karen] It’s the only way I can get them to stop talking!
Sally: [brightly] Well, what is it?
Neil: We’re getting married.
Dan: Oh, my God!
Dan: That’s fantastic!
Sally: Let me see the ring! [Karen reaches her hand over the table] Oh, wow, Neil really loves you! Gosh, either your ring is twice as big as mine, or I have grotesquely large hands.
Dan: [faux-sweetly] You have grotesquely large hands.[Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]
Sally: So, how did you propose?
Neil: Ah, well, I took her to the beach where we first met.
Karen: He had a boat ready and then he made dinner.
Neil: And we had it on a moonlight sail.
Sally: Wow, so you didn’t get down on one knee in an Applebee’s parking lot and say, “We might as well do this.”?
Dan: And, tell me, Karen, did you wait the traditional six days before saying yes?
Karen: How’s counseling going?
Dan: Really good.
Sally: Really good, actually. I’m learning that I can be a little judgemental.
Dan: And I get to pay two hundred dollars for her to figure that out.
Sally: [shouting] All right, can I talk to you privately for a second?
Dan: [shouting] Of course you can![they stand]
Sally: [shouting] Fine!
Dan: [shouting] I would love to talk to you privately![they storm into the kitchen]
Karen: Oh, my God.
Neil: Wow, this is bad.[the sound of glasses and dishes breaking comes from the kitchen]
Karen: Promise me we’ll never be like that?
Neil: I promise.[the waiter comes out of the kitchen]
Waiter: Um, hi. Hey, we need you to do something about your friends. They’re being really loud.
Karen: Oh, I’m sorry.
Neil: Are they still fighting?
Waiter: No, no, no; they’re actually having sex in the kitchen.
Waiter: Oh, yeah, they definitely are. I mean, the busboys are totally into it, but it’s, like, a huge health code violation.[Sally and Dan return to the dining area]
Sally: Okay, sorry about that, everybody. We will pay for dinner.
Dan: Or, more accurately, I’ll pay for it, but we’ll share the credit?
Sally: [yelling into his face] Son of a bitch!
Dan: [yelling into her face] Oh, what?![freeze frame] [jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: “The Couple That Should Be Divorced”]
Submitted by: DavidK93