SNL Transcripts: Jon Heder: 10/08/05


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 2

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

October 8th, 2005

Jon Heder

Ashlee Simpson


Lorne Michaels

Liz Cackowski
Harriet Miers NominationSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) advises President George W. Bush (Will Forte) that his selection of Harriet Miers (Rachel Dratch) may have been an unwise move.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.


MontageNote: Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph are credited even though they’re both absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Note: Chris Parnell is not credited for this episode.

Jon Heder’s MonologueSummary: During an audience Q&A session, Jon Heder stresses that “Napoleon Dynamite” was not based on real people, but his friends Leopold Samsonite (Jason Sudeikis), Jose (Fred Armisen) and Kip (Will Forte) try to prove him wrong.

Bio: Jon Heder (1977-). Actor; starred in last summer’s independent film “Napoleon Dynamite.”


Taco TownSummary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.

Note: In its original broadcast, a control room glitch caused the fake ad to be interrupted midway by the bumper graphic for the Wilson Bros. Funeral home sketch.

Note: This ad parody was cut after last week’s dress rehearsal.


KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) presents a fourth grade science project on insects.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

The WerewolfSummary: In anticipation of the full moon, a man (Jon Heder) tells his date (Amy Poehler) that he was once bitten by a werewolf and will soon transform. But, because it was only a small bite, the man only grows a hideous moustache.


The Misadventures of Tom Delay and Bill FristSummary: Tom Delay (Jason Sudeikis) and Bill Frist (Will Forte) hit the road “Thelma & Louise”-style.

Recurring Characters: Tom Delay, Bill Frist, Bill Clinton.

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teases Manuel Pantalones’ (Horatio Sanz) cousin (Bill Hader), and tells guest Jon Heder that Pedro should have been the star of “Napoleon Dynamite.”

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.

Ashlee Simpson performs “Catch Me When I Fall”First Performed: 10/23/04.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Horatio Sanz continues to substitutes for Tina Fey, who’s on materinty leave. Former food court employee, Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) announces his candicacy for the Supreme Court. In an Update Flashback, Lorne Michaels skirts sexual harassment by teasing Amy Poehler about not wearing a bra.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.


Wilson Bros. Funeral HomeSummary: A group of friends come together in the event of another’s death, but, as the days pass, each member of the group ends up in the casket, until (Jason Sudeikis) suspects foul play. Are the deaths coincedental, or is the gang unwitting victims of a commercial?

Note: Production gaffes abound in great numbers, as cameras focus on actors who aren’t speaking and Rachel Dratch can be glimpsed climbing into her coffin and laughing along with Amy Poehler.


Hubbard SystemsSummary: The head (Seth Meyers) of the Hubbard Systems retreat seminar comments on the IT technicians who played pranks on the corporate board members who drank too much during the Hawaiian party the night before.


Ashlee Simpson performs “Boyfriend”Lyrics

Operator DateSummary: Shy Gary (Jon Heder) is set up on a blind date with Julie (Rachel Dratch), who not only records voice greetings for various companies, but speaks in the same monotone voice when out in public.

Recurring Characters: Julie.


The Black Eyed PeasSummary: An appearance by The Black Eyed Peas (Amy Poehler, Finesse Mitchell, Kenan Thompson, Jon Heder) will liven up any party — order them today.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Open Mic NightSummary: Would-be comedians fail miserably when a bar owner (Jason Sudeikis) holds an open mic night.

Wool SweaterSummary: Keith (Jon Heder) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater.

Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsal of the Steve Carell episode, but later appears in the episode hosted by Dane Cook.

ElevatorSummary: A woman’s (Rachel Dratch) date (Jon Heder) fails to impress her building’s other tenants or her elevator operator (Kenan Thompson).

Hit ManSummary: Hit man Mr. Franco’s (Horatio Sanz) task of killing Gordon the snitch (Fred Armisen) is delayed by the incessant laughter of his henchman, Marty (Will Forte).

Note: An altered version of this sketch will air on the episode hosted by Lance Armstrong.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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