SNL Transcripts: Jon Heder: 10/08/05: Harriet Miers Nomination



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2












05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Harriet Miers Nomination

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Harriet Miers…..Rachel Dratch
Alberto Gonzalez…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, White House, evening ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

Dick Cheney: Uh, Mr. President, before wem eet with Harriet Miers, we should go over what we need to talk to her about.

President George W. Bush: [ looking over notes ] Harriet Miers is a highly qualified judicial nominee.

Dick Cheney: Well, uh, George, you understand that by making this pick we’re opening ourselves to accusations of cronyism.

President George W. Bush: Well, how can you say that? I made this choice based on resume.. and experience. You know, how was I to know that of all of the lawyers and judges in this great country, the most qualified would be my own legal adviser. I mean, what are the odds?

Dick Cheney: You see, that’s what I’m talking about, Sir. If there is even a whiff of impropriety —

President George W. Bush: Dick, relax. You know, I’ll play it down. This wasn’t a choice based on friendship. We’re not even that close. [ presses intercom ] Ashley, send in Ms. Miers.

[ Harriet Miers enters the room, a wide smile on her face ]

Harriet Miers: Bushy!

President George W. Bush: [ equally excited ] Come ‘ere! [ lifts Harriet into his arms ]

Harriet Miers: [ giggling ] Oh, come on, Bushy, put me down!

President George W. Bush: Oh, uh-uh. I want an up-close look at the next member of the United states Supreme Court.

Dick Cheney: [ concerned ] Mr. President, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Could you, uh —

President George W. Bush: what? There’s nothing wrong with this. This is just your garden variety President/judge stuff.

Dick Cheney: Put her down, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Uh-uh!

Harriet Miers: Oh, put me down, Sir.

Dick Cheney: [ sternly ] Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Okay, Dick. [ lowers Harriet to the ground ]

Harriet Miers: Oh, thank you, Sir.

President George W. Bush: Alright, sit down over here on this couch. [ they sit on the couch together ] Alright, Harriet, we just wanted to talk to you before things got too crazy, because over the next couple of months people are gonna be digging into your background.

Harriet Miers: Oh, uh.. that won’t be a problem because, I don’t know if you boys have heard, but, uh.. I don’t have a background. [ she laughs ]

President George W. Bush: isn’t she perfect?

Dick Cheney: Yeah. Be a lot easier If she wasn’t such a close friend.

President George W. Bush: I don’t get it, Dick. You know, I don’t know why everyone says that cronyism is a bad thing. You know, I’m a crony. You’re a crony. This is what we do. Cronyism. Do you think I got into Yale because of my grades? No. I cronied my way in there. You think I got to own a baseball team because I’m a good baseball team owner? Big time crony on that one. Now, hey, you know, look at me now: I’m the President of the United states. You can’t get cronier than this.

Dick Cheney: You’re right there. But it didn’t work out so well with your Buddy Michael brown running FEMA.

President George W. Bush: I chunked it on that one, Dick. Maybe I.. I should have looked harder for a better man but you know me, I don’t like to look harder. You know, for instance, you know I like the Outback Steakhouse. You could.. tell me that the best restaurant in the world is across the Street. But If thehere is an Outback Steakhouse on my side of the street, that’s where I’m eating. I trust it. I like their steaks.

Dick Cheney: I like the Bloomin’ Onion. [ Laughs ] That’s good eatin’!

President George W. Bush: Yes, it is, Dick. All right. But you see what I’m getting at. You know, why look for a five-star restaurant when I got an Outback Steakhouse sitting right here. You know?

Harriet Miers: Thank you, Sir.

President George W. Bush: You know, frankly, I don’t think cronyism will even be an issue with Harriet.

Harriet Miers: Oh, thank you.

Dick Cheney: All right. Good enough for me. Thanks for stopping by, Harriet. Good luck with the confirmation. I think you’ll do just fine. [ Harriet exits the room ] Oh, uh.. Mr. President, Alberto Gonzalez is outside.

President George W. Bush: Oh. Send him in, Dick.

Dick Cheney: Alberto, you’re on.

[ an unhappy Alberto Gomez enters the room ]

President George W. Bush: Alberto. My old Buddy. How long you been waiting out there?

Alberto Gomez: Two weeks.

President George W. Bush: [ smiles ] Get over here! [ Alberto steps closer ] Look, you know.. you’re not.. mad about being passed up for the supreme court again, are you? [ Alberto is silent ] Come on, don’t be like that, Alberto. You’re one of my cronies. You know, maybe there will be another opening in the supreme court. Justice Stevens tripped on the steps the other day. That’s never a good sign. Come on, crony Buddy. [ Alberto is silent ] Say something. Anything.

[ Alberto speaks at last: ]

Alberto Gomez: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

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