SNL Transcripts: Jon Heder: 10/08/05: Operator Date


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Operator Date

Gary…..Jon Heder
Julie…..Rachel Dratch
Waiter…..Bill Hader

[ open on interior, coffee shop. Julie sits alone at table as Gary approaches. ]

Gary: Hi, I’m Gary. You must be Julie.

Julie: [ in a monotone voice ] Hi, I’m Julie.

Gary: [ sits ] Nice to finally meet you. I haven’t been on a blind date in a while. So, Doug told me you work in Customer Service?

Julie: That’s right. I do the voice recordings for companies such as United Airlines, Blue Cross and Amtrak.

Gary: Wow, Amtrak. Well, then I guess I have talked to you before.

Julie: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.

Gary: Oh. [ awkward beat ] Nothing. Stupid joke.

[ Waiter approaches ]

Waiter: Hi. Can I get you something to drink?

Gary: Um.. what do you think, Julie? A latte or a cappuccino, or something?

Julie: Did you say latte or cappuccino?

Gary: Uh.. well, I said both. Do you want a latte or cappuccino?

Julie: My mistake. Cappuccino would be great.

Gary: Two, please.

[ Waiter retreats ]

Julie: Gary, before we go any further, let me get some information.

Gary: Sure.

Julie: Please say your age.

Gary: Oh, yeah! I get that a lot. I know I look young, but I’m actually 29.

Julie: I think you said 19. Did I get that right?

Gary: No, 29.

Julie: I think you said 9. Did I get that right?

Gary: No. Wow. 29.

Julie: Okay. Got it. Sorry. It’s pretty loud in here.

[ Waiter returns with the cappuccinos ]

Waiter: Here you guys go.

Julie: Mmm. Yum.

[ Waiter retreats ]

Gary: You know, um.. Doug didn’t tell me you were so cute.

Julie: You’re not so bad yourself, Gary.

Gary: Would you, uh, like to, maybe want to go see a movie tonight?

Julie: I’d like that. Let me check the movie listings. What movie would you like to see?

Gary: Have you seen “Flight Plan?”

Julie: Let me look that up for you. One second, please. [ holds up a newspaper ] Here it is: “Flight Plan” is playing at 7:15.. 8:45.. 10:00.. and 11:15.

Gary: Uh.. let’s do 7:15.

Julie: Okay. This is a great date.

Gary: It really is. Julie, you know, I’m kind of shy —

Julie: Got it.

Gary: Uh.. since my last relationship —

Julie: Got it.

Gary: — I haven’t been able to ask anyone out —

Julie: Got it.

Gary: That’s why Doug —

Julie: Got it.

Gary: — had to do it for me.

Julie: Got it.

Gary: Anyway, I just feel really lucky to have met you.

Julie: That’s so sweet. Please say that again.

Gary: I feel real lucky to have met you.

Julie: Thank you.

Gary: So, should we go to the movie?

Julie: Let me see If I have this correct: I think you said you wanted to go.. back to my place. Did I get that right?

Gary: Yes, you sure did.

Julie: Okay. Got it.

[ they exit the coffee shop ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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