SNL Transcripts: Jon Heder: 10/08/05: Hubbard Systems


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Hubbard Systems

Gary…..Seth Meyers
Irene…..Amy Poehler
Peter…..Jason Sudeikis
Patty…..Rachel Dratch
Philip…..Fred Armisen
Kevin…..Jon Heder

[ open on Hubbard Systems corporate retreat. Gary stands with his back turned as he explains a presentation labeled “Teamwork.” ]

Gary: If we learned anything during our three-day retreat, it’s that the key to the future of Hubbard Systems is teamwork.

[ Gary turns to face his staff, revealing that his eyebrows are shaved and angry lines are drawn in their place ]

Gary: So – about last night’s party. Um..first of all, I want to say I’m not angry.

Irene: You look angry.

Gary: Well, that’s because someone shaved my eyebrows and drew in angry cartoon eyebrows. And I think you knew that. Now, I will be the first to admit that the “Hubbard Goes Hawaiian” party got out of hand. And that the punch was way too strong, and I think a lot of us, myself included, were over-served. Even more unacceptable, however, were the pranks done to those of us who passed out. And, again, I’m not angry.

Irene: Yeah? You look angry!

Gary: Okay! That is enough, Irene. [ a beat ] Anyway, one of the themes of this whole retreat has been communication. Okay? So, let’s try to work through this Hubbard Systems-style, alright? So, I’m going to ask Peter to come up here and calmly.. air his grievances. So, Peter? Alright?

[ Gary steps aside, as Peter approaches the podium. Peter’s head is shaved down the middle. ]

Peter: Hey, everybody. Alright, look — so, I don’t know If you I.T. freaks know this, but I’m one of your Sales people, alright? So, basically, by doing this, you screwed yourselves. Alright? Because, here’s the thing: I can’t sell your nerd junk when my head looks like a butt crack! Alright?!

[ Gary returns to the podium ]

Gary: Okay, you know what? I don’t think Peter actually thinks we sell “nerd junk”.

Peter: Hey, Gary! Alright, look, this just proves that just because some Tech geek can put together a computer doesn’t mean he’s not an idiot!

Gary: Hey, hey! We don’t know it’s the Tech guys, Peter.

Peter: Aw, come on, Gary, man! You KNOW it’s the Tech guys! You KNOW it! [ points at the Tech guys ] Look, I know you dudes hate me, alright? You hate me for my car and my sweet-looking wife! [ frowns at the crowd ] Hey, wipe that grin of your face, Sanji, wipe it off!

Gary: Okay!

Peter: Get rid of it!

Gary: It’s okay. It’s okay, Sanji. Let’s just try to stay calm.

Peter: Yeah, YOU stay calm, Gary! Alright?! I was supposed to play GOLF tomorrow! [ storms off ] Get outta my way!

Gary: Look, I know that Peter is the office yank stick. We all know that. I’m not going to stand here and tell you he’s not. But a lot of good people suffered last night, too. Patty, can you come up here?

[ Patty steps up to the podium, sporting a crudely-drawn handlebar moustache ]

Gary: Patty has been a secretary at Hubbard Systems 23 years. She was the second person hired by Wilson Hubbard himself. Can anyone tell me any reason why someone would do this to Patty? [ every hand is raised ] Oh, wow, okay. I did not expect that many hands. Let’s start with you, Irene.

Irene: Yeah, ihe knows every thing about everyone in the office, and, when she drinks, she blabs it.

Patty: Raise your hand if you haven’t slept with Irene.

Gary: Okay, okay.

Philip: She also conjectures loudly as to who in the office is or isn’t gay.

Irene: Everyone knows, Philip!

Philip: [ stunned, feyly places his hand over his heart ] I am married.

Patty: I’ll haunt you all from my grave.

[ Patty steps away from the podium ]

Gary: That got ugly. I feel like we haven’t learned anything at this retreat. Kevin has something to say.

[ Kevin steps up to the podium. Body hair is superglued to his face and hands. ]

Kevin: Hello. For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Kevin Hubbard. And my Dad owns Hubbard Systems.

Irene: [ sarcastically ] Everyone knows, Kevin.

Kevin: Irene, shut up!

Gary: Okay, Kevin, let’s use this time to build a bridge. Like we’ve been talking about. Build a bridge.

Kevin: Anyway – if it were up to me, I would fire all of you and then throw stuff at you while Security dragged you away, and then your kids would go hungry.

Gary: Okay, not a bridge. Um.. I think the important thing is that no matter what Kevin has done in the past, no one deserves to have this happen to them when they pass out.

Kevin: I didn’t pass out. I was awake. Someone held me down and shaved all my body hair and superglued it to my face and my palms.

Gary: So, you know who did this to you?

Kevin: Yeah.

Gary: Who?

Kevin: Well.. she told me if I say anything, she’d do it again.

[ Irene double-points her fingers between her eyes and Kevin’s direction ]

Gary: Alright, well.. I guess we’ll break for lunch. [ notices Irene’s hand gestures ] This kind of gives you away, so you don’t want to do that. When we come back, someone’s going to have to explain how my car got in the swimming pool. So, start thinking about that, everybody.

[ fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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