SNL Transcripts: Jon Heder: 10/08/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 2

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05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Horatio Sanz
…..Amy Poehler
Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: Filling in for Tina Fey, I’m Horacio Sanz.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:

[ picture of Harriet Miers ] On Monday, President Bush nominated your mom to the Supreme Court.

While trying to defend his nomination of Harriet Miers, President Bushadmitted Tuesday he and Miers had never discussed abortion. Said Bush,“Luckily it turned out to be a false alarm.” [some applause]

Horatio Sanz: Many people are upset with President Bush fornominating current White House Counsel Harriet Miers to the SupremeCourt, particularly her law partner, Jacoby.

Amy Poehler: [picture of President Bush giving a televisedspeech] This week, nearly twelve million Americans tuned in to a newepisode of “Lost.”

Horatio Sanz: The U.S. Treasury is featuring a new nickel thathas Thomas Jefferson facing forward, with a hint of a smile. A smilethat says, “You see that slave over there? Yeah, I tapped that ass.”[applause]

Amy Poehler: President Bush’s nominee, Harriet Miers, has comeunder fire from both the left and the right, because of her lack ofexperience. Many are suggesting she withdraw her nomination. Here tocomment is perennial candidate Tim Calhoun.

[Pan to Tim, who holds a stack of note cards. Applause. Tim nervouslyspeaks through a tabletop microphone, in a very soft voice]

Tim Calhoun: Hi, I am Tim Calhoun, and I’m running for SupremeCourt, of America. I think I would make a much better candidatefor Supreme Court than that girl. Here’s why…

[pauses to change cards]

I do not have any Supreme Court experience, but I have served as alawyer for myself, on many occasions… all of which turned outreal bad. Here’s a list of my convictions. One potbrownie…seven shoplift…one cocaine brownie…and thirty more cocainebrownies. I’m real sorry, but I have a sweet tooth.

[pauses to change cards]

I think burning the flag is wrong. But undercooking the flag is even worse.

[pauses to change cards]

As I mentioned before, I have no judge experience. But I have worked ata court for a long time. It was a food court… I served food, at afood court.

[pauses to change cards]

Note from self… don’t mention food court. [Tim stares into the camera inhorror. He speaks under his breath] Oh no… I already mentionedfood court… what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do

[pauses to change cards]

Have I mentioned that I worked at a food court? [gasps] How did thatget in there?

[pauses to change cards]

Food court…[changes cards again] food court… food court… foodcourt… [stops at the next card, and looks into the camera] Foodcourt… [changes cards] food court.

[pauses to change cards]

I think gavels should be called law hammers.

[changes cards one final time]

In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun, for SupremeCourt of America… and I will get right to work erasing my permanentrecord.

Amy Poehler: Tim Calhoun, everybody! [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: Fearing a religious backlash because of the title,Sony decided to not release the new Albert Brooks film “Looking forComedy in the Muslim World.” For similar reasons, Sony has also decidednot to release the film “Deuce Bigalow: Osama Bin Gigolo.”

Once a week, recovering illusionist Roy Horn reportedly visitsMontecore, the tiger that mauled him. Though disturbingly, they’reconjugal visits! [some applause; Horatio laughs] You know what thatmeans, right Amy? He gets busy with that tiger! [Amy shakes her head indisbelief]

Amy Poehler: Security in the New York City subway system wasraised on Thursday after reports of specific threats involvingbomb-laden baby carriages and briefcases. The extra security has madecommuting especially difficult for business babies. [Picture of a babystanding on a subway platform, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. Some applause. Amy is clearly amused by the picture]

A chimpanzee in China has quit smoking after sixteen years, with thehelp of her keepers. The chimp was able to quit when the keepersstopped buying her cigarettes! [applause; Amy looks off camerafor a moment]

There is a growing concern in the Everglades over the rise of non-nativesnakes, abandoned by pet owners in the swamp. That’s—now Horatio, youactually abandoned a snake in the Everglades, didn’t you?

Horatio Sanz: Yes Amy, my anaconda.

Amy Poehler: Wow, your anaconda! Is it dangerous?

Horatio Sanz: Well, if memory serves…
“My anaconda don’t want none
Unless it’s got buns, hon!”

Amy Poehler: I can do side bends or situps!

Horatio Sanz: But please don’t lose that butt!

Amy Poehler: They toss it, and they leave it,
And I pull up quick to retrieve it!

Horatio Sanz: So ladies!

Amy Poehler: Yeah!

Horatio Sanz: Ladies!

Amy Poehler: Yeah!

Horatio Sanz: Pull up in my Mercedes?

Amy Poehler: Hell yeah!
Shake it, then shake it!
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got—[Amy stands and dances next to Horatio, grinding her butt against him. Horatio starts laughing. Cheers and applause]Little in the middle but you got much back!

Keep your snakes out of the Everglades, everybody! [sitting down]

Horatio Sanz: Holy mole! [Amy stands up and grinds again; moreapplause]

Amy Poehler: Kate Moss, who has already lost several endorsementcontracts with Chanel, H & M, and Burberry in the wake of hercocaine-snorting scandal, received an even more embarrassing setbackthis week, when she was dropped as a spokesperson for the cocaineindustry. [hangs her head in shame]

The nation’s energy chief says it will take six months for U.S. Energyproduction and prices to return to pre-hurricane levels. In a boldeffort to hurry the process, President Bush fished out his old “SaveGas, Fart in a Jar” t-shirt. [some applause]

Horatio Sanz: A bar in London opened last weekend, made entirelyof ice, and will be kept at -22 degrees Fahrenheit year-round. Theopening night party was marred, however, when four people died ofhypothermia in the wet t-shirt contest.

BodyWorld, a new exhibit, opened Friday in Philadelphia, featuring acollection of skinless, preserved cadavers in various poses. Or as Ilike to call it, “The View”! [applause]

Amy Poehler: Melissa Etheridge is developing a sitcom with ABCabout what her life might have been like had she not become a musician,but been gay, stayed in Kansas, and taught at a high school. It’scalled, “The Gym Teacher.”

A former nursing home worker in New York State has filled anine-million-dollar federal lawsuit, claiming she suffered mentalanguish and needs anti-anxiety medication, after being forced to proveshe was wearing a bra at work. You know, something very similarhappened to me, let’s take a look:

[Dissolve to tape featuring Amy and Horatio on the “Weekend Update” set,presumably going over their script. Lorne Michaels approaches Amy]

Lorne Michaels: Hey Amy, you wearing a bra?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, Lorne, I am.

Lorne Michaels: What the hell for? [Walks off, giggling. Dissolve back to the live set]

Amy Poehler: Thanks a lot, Horatio.

Horatio Sanz: That was, that was not cool there.

Amy Poehler: No, thanks for sticking up for me, too. Iappreciate that.

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, no problem.

A study has shown that bringing a clown into the operating room mayrelax children who are about to undergo surgery, which proves thatlaughter really is the best medicine… unless you have cancer. Thenyou should get chemo. [prolonged laughter]

Amy Poehler: A Russian Soyuz spacecraft docked at theInternational Space Station Monday. The spacecraft then turned around,and was promptly rear-ended by Lindsay Lohan.

Horatio Sanz: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Horatio Sanz.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Good night and have a pleasanttomorrow.

[Cheers and applause. Horatio appears to bless the audience, thenshares a hug with Amy. Fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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