Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 2
Officer #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Officer #2…..Bill Hader
[ open on interior, Tom’s apartment, dark. Tom turns on the light as he and his date, Sara, enter the apartment. ]
Sara: Tom, I had such a good time tonight.
Tom: Me, too, Sara. Please, sit down.
Tom: Sara. These last three weeks have been amazing.
Sara: I know.
Tom: But there’s something you need to know about me. A secret that I’ve never told anyone.[ the background music turns ominous ]
Sara: Okay, Tom, whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.[ a crack of lightning sounds outside ]
Tom: Two years ago.. I was hiking in the northern mountains of Romania. It was a foggy night, and, even with the full moon to guide me, I lost my way. That’s when I saw it.[ lightning cracks again ]
Tom: A beast! [ lightning cracks again ] Twice the size of a wolf, with huge fangs and horrible, yellow eyes. It bit me, and I became.. one of the likened.
Sara: Uh.. a werewolf?
Tom: Yes. A hideous half-man, half-beast.
Sara: Oh, my God![ a wolf’s howl rises from outside. Tom rushes to the window to look, his eyes focusing on dark clouds exposing the moon’s full surface ]
Tom: [ trembling ] Sara! The full moon is almost upon us! You must leave immediately!
Sara: No, Tom! I want to stay! I don’t care what you become!
Tom: All right! Then, quickly! Bind my hands and feet with these.. [ picks up the shackjles, but can’t find the words ] these things.. these.. chains!
Sara: Tom! You’re scaring me!
Tom: You should be afraid. Soon, I’ll be a wolf.[ another crack of lightning, as Sara finally makes the decision to bind Tom’s hands and feet with the shackles ] [ the moon’s surface is fully exposed, and Tom’s transformation begins. Cue stock exterior footage from old horror movies, as a fake wolf’s head bounces between superimpositions between Tom’s head, and a close-up of his eyes turns yellow. ] [ Sara stands over a hunched Tom. He lifts his head to reveal.. a moustache? ]
Tom: I’m a monster!
Sara: Ohh!! Oh, no!! [ screams, then notices he’s not really a monster after all ] Oh? It’s not that bad.
Tom: Don’t patronize me! I know I look like a wolf!
Sara: Actually.. you look more like Jeff Foxworthy.
Tom: You’re too kind, Sara! But you must fly! As these chains will soon submit to my demon strength! [ begins trying to break free from his shackles ]
Sara: [ crosses her arms ] Tom. Tom, how hard did this beast bite you?
Tom: Really hard! In the arm. [ points to the bite mark on his arm ]
Sara: [ looks at Tom’s bite mark ] There? That looks like a mosquito bite!
Tom: [ still struggling with the shackles ] Aaarrgggghh!! A warlock must have been a spell on these chains! Normally, I can break free!
Sara: Yeah, uh-huh. You can break free with your werewolf strength, and all?[ a knock at the door ]
Tom: Ah, you’re lucky. I called the police ahead of time, for your safety.
Sara: Ah, good thinking. [ she goes to answer the door, as Tom continues to wrestle with the shackles ] [ a pair of police officers enter the apartment ]
Officer #1: Hey, Tom, how are ya’?[ Tom hisses at the police officers ]
Sara: You know each other?
Officer #1: Yeah. Yeah, we come by once a month, uh.. we stopped coming for a little while, and, you know, it really hurt his feelings.
Officer #2: It looks like the, uh.. [ makes quotes sign ] “transformation” is completed.
Tom: Don’t look at me, I’m hideous!
Sara: Uh, I-I don’t know, Tom. I think the moustache is kinda cute!
Officer #2: Yeah! Moustaches are coming back in style!
Officer #1: Sure. Retro.
Tom: Idiots! I will feast on your blood!
Sara: Isn’t that – isn’t that more of a vampire thing?
Officer #1: So, uh.. is this your first full moon with him?
Sara: Oh, him? Yeah, yeah.
Officer #2: Pretty weird, huh? Like, full moon, and he’s just, like, pow!
Tom: Ahhhh!! Monster strength! Uhhh!! Ahhh!![ suddenly, Nicky, carrying a can of beer and sporting a moustache of his own, enters the apartment ]
Nick: Oh, hey, everybody.[ lightning cracks, as the camera zooms in on Nick’s moustache ]
Officer #1: Hey, Nick.
Officer #2: What’s up, Nicky.
Nick: [ looks over at Tom ] Is it a full moon again?
Officer #1: You know it.
Nick: Man, time really flies.
Sara: Wait a minute, are you a werewolf, too?
Nick: Oh, what? [ points to his moustache ] This? [ laughs ] No, no, it’s just a moustache! Yeah, I liked the way it looked on Tom so much, I decided to grow one myself.[ Tom howls ]
Nick: Ah-ha. They get it, Tom. You’re a wolf. Hey, you guys. I’m going to head out to a party. You want in?
Officer #1: Yeah, absolutely.
Sara: A party sounds fun!
Officer #1: Sure, we’ll take the cop car!
Nick: Alright, let’s roll. Check you later, Tom![ Nick and the two cops exit Tom’s apartment ] [ Tom grunts at Sara ]
Sara: Bye, sweetheart, I’ll call you tomorrow. [ runs toward the door ]
Tom: [ frantic ] Can I come?[ Nick looks back at Tom ]
Nick: Uh, sorry, buddy, it’s a.. human party.[ everyone else but Tom exits his apartment, and Nick flips the light switch to the Off position ]
Tom: [ sits alone in the darkened apartment ] My curse has.. once again cost me everything I love. [ howls into the night, as lightning flashes ] [ fade ]