SNL Transcripts: Jon Heder: 10/08/05: The Werewolf


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

The Werewolf

Tom…..Jon Heder
Sara…..Amy Poehler
Officer #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Officer #2…..Bill Hader
Nick…..Andy Samberg

[ open on interior, Tom’s apartment, dark. Tom turns on the light as he and his date, Sara, enter the apartment. ]

Sara: Tom, I had such a good time tonight.

Tom: Me, too, Sara. Please, sit down.

Sara: Ah!

[ they sit ]

Tom: Sara. These last three weeks have been amazing.

Sara: I know.

Tom: But there’s something you need to know about me. A secret that I’ve never told anyone.

[ the background music turns ominous ]

Sara: Okay, Tom, whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.

[ a crack of lightning sounds outside ]

Tom: Two years ago.. I was hiking in the northern mountains of Romania. It was a foggy night, and, even with the full moon to guide me, I lost my way. That’s when I saw it.

[ lightning cracks again ]

Sara: It?

Tom: A beast! [ lightning cracks again ] Twice the size of a wolf, with huge fangs and horrible, yellow eyes. It bit me, and I became.. one of the likened.

Sara: Uh.. a werewolf?

Tom: Yes. A hideous half-man, half-beast.

Sara: Oh, my God!

[ a wolf’s howl rises from outside. Tom rushes to the window to look, his eyes focusing on dark clouds exposing the moon’s full surface ]

Tom: [ trembling ] Sara! The full moon is almost upon us! You must leave immediately!

Sara: No, Tom! I want to stay! I don’t care what you become!

Tom: All right! Then, quickly! Bind my hands and feet with these.. [ picks up the shackjles, but can’t find the words ] these things.. these.. chains!

Sara: Tom! You’re scaring me!

Tom: You should be afraid. Soon, I’ll be a wolf.

[ another crack of lightning, as Sara finally makes the decision to bind Tom’s hands and feet with the shackles ] [ the moon’s surface is fully exposed, and Tom’s transformation begins. Cue stock exterior footage from old horror movies, as a fake wolf’s head bounces between superimpositions between Tom’s head, and a close-up of his eyes turns yellow. ] [ Sara stands over a hunched Tom. He lifts his head to reveal.. a moustache? ]

Tom: I’m a monster!

Sara: Ohh!! Oh, no!! [ screams, then notices he’s not really a monster after all ] Oh? It’s not that bad.

Tom: Don’t patronize me! I know I look like a wolf!

Sara: Actually.. you look more like Jeff Foxworthy.

Tom: You’re too kind, Sara! But you must fly! As these chains will soon submit to my demon strength! [ begins trying to break free from his shackles ]

Sara: [ crosses her arms ] Tom. Tom, how hard did this beast bite you?

Tom: Really hard! In the arm. [ points to the bite mark on his arm ]

Sara: [ looks at Tom’s bite mark ] There? That looks like a mosquito bite!

Tom: [ still struggling with the shackles ] Aaarrgggghh!! A warlock must have been a spell on these chains! Normally, I can break free!

Sara: Yeah, uh-huh. You can break free with your werewolf strength, and all?

[ a knock at the door ]

Tom: Ah, you’re lucky. I called the police ahead of time, for your safety.

Sara: Ah, good thinking. [ she goes to answer the door, as Tom continues to wrestle with the shackles ] [ a pair of police officers enter the apartment ]

Officer #1: Hey, Tom, how are ya’?

[ Tom hisses at the police officers ]

Sara: You know each other?

Officer #1: Yeah. Yeah, we come by once a month, uh.. we stopped coming for a little while, and, you know, it really hurt his feelings.

Officer #2: It looks like the, uh.. [ makes quotes sign ] “transformation” is completed.

Tom: Don’t look at me, I’m hideous!

Sara: Uh, I-I don’t know, Tom. I think the moustache is kinda cute!

Officer #2: Yeah! Moustaches are coming back in style!

Officer #1: Sure. Retro.

Tom: Idiots! I will feast on your blood!

Sara: Isn’t that – isn’t that more of a vampire thing?

Tom: No!

Officer #1: So, uh.. is this your first full moon with him?

Sara: Oh, him? Yeah, yeah.

Officer #2: Pretty weird, huh? Like, full moon, and he’s just, like, pow!

Tom: Ahhhh!! Monster strength! Uhhh!! Ahhh!!

[ suddenly, Nicky, carrying a can of beer and sporting a moustache of his own, enters the apartment ]

Nick: Oh, hey, everybody.

[ lightning cracks, as the camera zooms in on Nick’s moustache ]

Officer #1: Hey, Nick.

Officer #2: What’s up, Nicky.

Nick: [ looks over at Tom ] Is it a full moon again?

Officer #1: You know it.

Nick: Man, time really flies.

Sara: Wait a minute, are you a werewolf, too?

Nick: Oh, what? [ points to his moustache ] This? [ laughs ] No, no, it’s just a moustache! Yeah, I liked the way it looked on Tom so much, I decided to grow one myself.

[ Tom howls ]

Nick: Ah-ha. They get it, Tom. You’re a wolf. Hey, you guys. I’m going to head out to a party. You want in?

Sara: Yeah!

Officer #1: Yeah, absolutely.

Sara: A party sounds fun!

Officer #1: Sure, we’ll take the cop car!

Nick: Alright, let’s roll. Check you later, Tom!

[ Nick and the two cops exit Tom’s apartment ] [ Tom grunts at Sara ]

Sara: Bye, sweetheart, I’ll call you tomorrow. [ runs toward the door ]

Tom: [ frantic ] Can I come?

[ Nick looks back at Tom ]

Nick: Uh, sorry, buddy, it’s a.. human party.

[ everyone else but Tom exits his apartment, and Nick flips the light switch to the Off position ]

Tom: [ sits alone in the darkened apartment ] My curse has.. once again cost me everything I love. [ howls into the night, as lightning flashes ] [ fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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