SNL Transcripts: Catherine Zeta-Jones: 10/22/05: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

The Butt Cancer Treatment Center

Wife…..Amy Poehler
Husband…..Jason Sudeikis

[In a kitchen; Wife and Husband Sudeikis address the camera earnestly.]

Wife: There’s some things men don’t like to talk about.

Husband: Like butt cancer.

Wife: Yes. Like butt cancer. Did you know that cancer of the dumper affects one in every forty men? But if detected early, it’s often successfully treated.

Husband: If it weren’t for the doctors at the Butt Cancer Treatment Center, I might not be here today.

Wife: We owe so much to the Butt Cancer Treatment Center.

Husband: We do. I was so worried about my pooper. Then one of the specialists at the Center fiddled around with my buns, and found the problem.

Wife: That’s usually all it takes. They diddle your pooper and then you know.

Husband: Knowledge is power.

Wife: If you’re a man over 30 and you’re concerned, you should have someone put a finger up your fartbox.

Husband: My butt is clean and free and living the good life.

Wife: Your fudge factory deserves the best.

[Cut to picture of building, with sign: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center ]

Female voice V/O: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center. Let us check out your stinker.

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SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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