SNL Transcripts: Catherine Zeta-Jones: 10/22/05: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

The Butt Cancer Treatment Center

Wife…..Amy Poehler
Husband…..Jason Sudeikis

[In a kitchen; Wife and Husband Sudeikis address the camera earnestly.]

Wife: There’s some things men don’t like to talk about.

Husband: Like butt cancer.

Wife: Yes. Like butt cancer. Did you know that cancer of the dumper affects one in every forty men? But if detected early, it’s often successfully treated.

Husband: If it weren’t for the doctors at the Butt Cancer Treatment Center, I might not be here today.

Wife: We owe so much to the Butt Cancer Treatment Center.

Husband: We do. I was so worried about my pooper. Then one of the specialists at the Center fiddled around with my buns, and found the problem.

Wife: That’s usually all it takes. They diddle your pooper and then you know.

Husband: Knowledge is power.

Wife: If you’re a man over 30 and you’re concerned, you should have someone put a finger up your fartbox.

Husband: My butt is clean and free and living the good life.

Wife: Your fudge factory deserves the best.

[Cut to picture of building, with sign: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center ]

Female voice V/O: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center. Let us check out your stinker.

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