Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 3
Newsnight with Aaron Brown
Aaron Brown…..Darrell Hammond
Suzanne Carbonal…..Catherine Zeta-Jones
[open on title screen: “NewsNight with Aaron Brown,” with music]
[dissolve to Aaron Brown at news desk]
Aaron Brown: [title: “CNN: Aaron Brown”] Welcome back to “NewsNight.” I am Aaron Brown, and–How can I put this?–I am better than you. Before the break, we were talking about recent US airstrikes on insurgents in Afghanistan. Just when we think we’re out, they pull us back in. That’s from “The Godfather, Part III,” not Coppola’s best, but I digress. Our correspondent, Suzanne Carbonal, is live in Pashwan, Afghanistan. And, Suzanne, what is the situation there?
[dissolve to Suzanne Carbonal with city of Pashwan and mountains visible behind her]
Suzanne Carbonal: [title: “CNN: Suzanne Carbonal”] Aaron, my crew and I arrived today to find out accomodations destroyed, the city crippled by power outages and a shortage of running water. While the US military claims no civilians were hurt in these airstrikes, clearly it is the civilians who are suffering now. Suzanne Carbonal, CNN News.
Aaron Brown: Thank you, Suzanne. More on that in the coming days.
[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 3”]
Aaron Brown: Good evening. We start tonight’s program with Suzanne Carbonal, live in Pashwan. Suzanne?
[Suzanne’s hair is slightly matted and unkempt, and her eyebrows are strangely bushy and crooked]
Suzanne Carbonal: Aaron, this is our third day of sleeping in our truck, and trying to cover the mountain of chaos here in Pashwan.
Aaron Brown: So you’ve gone just three days without the comforts of home?
Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron.
Aaron Brown: Wow.
Suzanne Carbonal: A small roadside bomb exploded this morning, before dawn.
Aaron Brown: Was anyone hurt, Suzanne? Was your makeup person injured at all?
Suzanne Carbonal: Well, I don’t have a makeup person with me, Aaron. But the cameramen were pretty shaken up with what they were seeing.
Aaron Brown: I should think so.
Suzanne Carbonal: I actually overheard one saying to the other, “Good lord, she looks rough.” And I can only assume he was talking about the beautiful old mosque in the town center, that was now destroyed.
Aaron Brown: Well, be well, Suzanne. We’ll all be praying for you to get some sleep.
[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 6”]
Aaron Brown: Breaking news out of Pashwan. We go to our own Suzanne Carbonal.
[Suzanne’s hair is more matted and unkempt, and her eyebrows are bushier]
Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron, we’re now six days of the ordeal here in Pashwan, and conditions grow more dire each day.
Aaron Brown: Suzanne, are any supplies getting in? Food? Water? Soap? Tweezers?
Suzanne Carbonal: No, Aaron. Although, this morning, an angry mob pelted me with hair brushes and tubes of lipstick.
Aaron Brown: A violent, put perhaps well intended gesture.
[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 10”]
Aaron Brown: Day 10 of the Pashwan standoff. Suzanne, were you in a fight or something?
[Suzanne’s hair is as on Day 6, but bushy, crooked eyebrow stretches across her entire forehead and she is now wearing glasses and has several front teeth prominently missing]
Suzanne Carbonal: No, Aaron. Actually, my contact lenses became infected, and I seem to have lost one of my porcelain veneers.
Aaron Brown: It’s more than one.
Suzanne Carbonal: Well it pales, Aaron, in comparison to what the people of Pashwan have lost.
Aaron Brown: And how is the crew holding up?
Suzanne Carbonal: Oh, they’re nervous, Aaron. Yes. A few have suggested, for my own safety, I put on a burqa. You know, the traditional full head covering. [gestures downwards across her face]
Aaron Brown: Perhaps for our viewers’ safety as well.
Suzanne Carbonal: What do you mean, Aaron?
Aaron Brown: Nothing. We’ll be right back.
[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 14”]
Aaron Brown: Before we go to the Pashwan story, we have breaking news about Hurricane Wilma. We go now to Fort Lauderdale–or, Fort Myers, Florida, with our own…really? Suzanne Carbonal.
[initially facing away from the camera, Suzanne turns to face forward, with severe hurricane conditions visible behind her; she appears as on Day 14, but now with huge, extremely frizzy hair]
Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron, we had heavy rain last night.
Aaron Brown: It would seem so.
Suzanne Carbonal: Well, I flew directly from Afghanistan, and I can honestly say things here are even worse.
Aaron Brown: Suzanne Carbonal, looking more and more like Cha-Ka from “Land of the Lost.” Coming up next on “News Night,” what to expect at your colonoscopy appointment, as reported by our own…oh, come on. Suzanne Carbonal.
[dissolve to main title screen]
Submitted by: DavidK93