SNL Transcripts: Catherine Zeta-Jones: 10/22/05: Special Report


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

Special Report

Brit Hume…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Richards…..Fred Armisen
Captain William Kelly…..Jason Sudeikis
Connelly…..Rachel Dratch
Captain Jeff Walker…..Finesse Mitchell
Fake Captain Jeff Walker…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Fox News music and logo ]

[ logo: “Fair & Balanced” ]

[ logo: “Special Report w/ Brit Hume” ]

[ dissolve to Brit Hume in the studio ]

Brit Hume: Welcome to Washington, I’m Brit Hume. Last week —

[ audience aplauds wildly ]

[ tag: “Fox New Live: Bush To Hold Q&A With Troops” ]

Brit Hume: Last week, partisan critics attacked President Bush for having a frank question-and-answer session with American troops. They called it “staged.” But, just because soldiers were given questions and answers ahead of time, does that make it staged? In this humble reporter’s opinion: absolutely not! However, just to prove those critics wrong, President Bush has answered the call with his usual sound judgment and steely resolve. He’s arranged another discussion, which will be entirely unscripted and spontaneous. We now join the President, live.

[ dissolve to side view of President George W. bush standing at podium and facing a satellite broadcast of half-a-dozen or more American troops sitting together ]

President George W. Bush: Hello, troops. You know, first of all, I want to thank you for your amazing work, and assure you the American public is coming around on the war in Iraq. It’s like NBC’s “My Name is Earl.” You know, it’s not a runaway hit, but people are getting behind it.

Richards: Well, I think the people of Iraq are getting behind you, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Well — [ chuckles ] they haven’t seen my golf game!

[ the troops chuckle politely ]

Richards: That’s a good one, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Well, you know, thank you very much. You know? Yea — uhh — okay. Now, okay, if it’s okay, I’d like to ask you troops a few “informal” questions. And I want you to answer honestly. You know, just whatever comes to mind. Okay, here’s my first “spontaneous” question. Okay. [ makes a quick glance at a blue note card ] “I hear things are going really, really well in Iraq. Is that true?”

Richards: Well, I’m gonna field that question to Captain William Kelly.

Captain William Kelly: [ obviously reading from an off-camera cue card ] “Hello. Wow! I’m thrilled to speak to you. Smile At Camera. It’s moments like these, that I just have to speak from the heart. Point To Chest. Everything in Iraq is going as expected. Well, that’s great to hear, Captain.”

President George W. Bush: [ chuckling nervously ] “Well! That’s.. great to hear, Captain! I’m glad the, uh, mission is a complete success.”

Captain William Kelly: [ fellow soldier Connelly moves her lips as she reads behind Kelly ] “And another success is your nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. She is a woman of principle and deep conviction, and we all know her heart and her character.”

President George W. Bush: “Well! Thank you. You know, I agree. I agree.” My second completely “spontaneous” question, is about, uh — [ glances at second blue note card ] the Iraqi “electricians”. Were the “electricians” incredibly successful by all acounts?

Connelly: “Yes, Mr. President. The ‘e-lec-tions’ went very smoothly. The Iraqi people are so full of freedom, they could burst. Sometimes, an Iraqi will be so full of democracy, they’ll walk into a crowded area and explode. With democracy!”

President George W. Bush: [ chuckling ] I heard about that! That’s, uh – that’s a good sign. Alright, let’s see, uh – I have another “spontaneous” question. Uh — [ glances at another blue note card ] “My Name is Earl” – did that. [ flips through note cards ] “Golf joke” – huge laugh. [ flips through note cards ] Oh, here we go. Okay. Here’s a tough one. Here’s a tough one. “Are you excited about staying in Iraq: A. Because you’re really learning a lot of useful skills, or B. Because you love spreading freedom?”

Richards: Well, I’ll field that question to Captain Jeff Walker.

Captain Jeff Walker: [ reading from cue cards ] “Wow. That is a tough one. I would have to say: both A and B. Ever since September 11th, we felt the call to duty –” [ stops, shakes his head ] Man, y’all not even paying me enough to lie like this! These people don’t want us here –!

[ the image cuts off, as snow fills the screen. Cut back immediately to reveal a second black soldier being pushed into the now-absent Captain Jeff Walker’s seat. ]

Fake Captain Jeff Walker: [ fumbling to grip on the microphone ] Um – uh – hey! This is, uh – this is still me! It’s still Captain Jeff Walker. Uh – I don’t know what got into me. I-i-I-I was trying to explain how much I appreciate this fantastic opportunity.

President George W. Bush: [ chuckling] Please, Captain Walker, you know, it’s the least I could do. You know? And thank you all for joining me in this “frank, open conversation.” We both did a great job being “spontaneous” to each other. Thank you. And good night.

[ dissolve back to Brit Hume ]

[ tag: “Fox News Live: Bush Wows America” ]

Brit Hume: There you have it. Challenging questions from a president so skilled at overcoming challenges! We at Fox News pride ourselves on Fair & Balanced coverage! It should be objectively clear that our president has once again demonstrated grace, intelligence, and courage under fire! The precise qualities that make him one of our finest presidents.

[ tag: “Fox News Live: Bush Better Than Lincoln” ]

And, if I could editorialize for just one moment, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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