SNL Transcripts: Catherine Zeta-Jones: 10/22/05: Musical Vows


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

Musical Vows

Priest…..Jason Sudeikis
Glen…..Will Forte
Gina…..Catherine Zeta-Jones
Glen’s Father…..Fred Armisen
Glen’s Mother…..Amy Poehler
Gina’s Mother…..Tina Fey
Gina’s Father…..Horatio Sanz
Wedding Guest…..Finesse Mitchell

[open on interior of church with bride, groom, and priest]

Priest: Glen, will you have Gina to be your wife, to love her in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?

Glen: I will

[Glen’s father has his arm around his wife’s shoulders as they look on proudly]

Priest: Gina, will you have Glen to be your husband, to love him in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?

Gina: I will.

[Gina’s parents also look on proudly, her father smiling as her mother fights back tears, his arm also around her shoulders]

Priest: As you all know, Glen and Gina are very active in our church choir. They love to raise their voices unto the Lord any chance they get. So on this most special of days, they’ve decided to sing their own vows. Without any further ado, I give you Glen and Gina. [steps away as soft organ music begins to play and the couple take each others’ hands]

[Gina’s parents smile eagerly]

Glen: [singing] When I first met Gina / in old town Pasadena, / my heart and my soul agreed, / she’s such a beautiful person / with such a tender smile, / and she’s also so intelligent. / I love her family and her style of dress. [Gina’s parents smile and nod] / Her manners are so impeccable. / And from that moment I knew / that woman would be Mrs. Glen Clarkson. [Glen’s parents smile broadly]

Gina: [singing] When I first met Glen, / my heart skipped a beat; / I thought I had a condition. / Then I realized, / oh yes I surmised, / our two hearts were beating as one. / He had real good hygiene, / yes I mean he was clean. / He let me wear his jean jacket. / That’s when I knew / that he’s the man for me, / and so I asked him to spank me. [Gina’s parents are clearly confused and unpleasantly surprised]

Glen: [singing] We went back to my flat. / I bent her over my knee / and I paddled her bare bottom with fury. [Glen’s mother draws back and eyes the couple warily while his father looks on, stone-faced]

Gina: [singing] Such heavenly smacks / on both sides of my crack. / Hours and hours of spanking. [Gina’s parents blink in disbelief]

Glen: [singing] I tried to stop, / tried to close up shop, / but my hungry palms wouldn’t let me. / So I fed my palms a meal / of womanly butt steak / and downed half a bottle of Quaaludes. [Glen’s parents desperately try to pantomime to Gina’s parents that they knew nothing about this and do not at all approve]

Gina: [singing] But soon my tokhes had enough, / so we turned the tables / and the spanker became the spank-ed. [she pokes Glen’s nose] [Gina’s father looks nervously back towards the crowd while her mother shakes her head] / I started calling him names / that I couldn’t say in church, / ’cause that would be really tasteless.

Glen: [singing] The hairs on my tush / were standing at attention / the second they felt her swattings. / And I have to admit, / it felt so right, / I immediately thought of my mother. [spoken] I love you, mom! [Glen’s mother clutches at the neckline of her dress in distress and mouths, “Oh, my God!”]

Gina: [singing] My heart was so full; / it was a spank festival. / It went a little something like this.

[Glen bends over and Gina spanks him while hitching her skirt with her other hand, creating the impression that she is sort of a cowgirl. All the while, he sings “Ooo-ooo” and she sings “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” Glen’s mother has fallen into sobs while his father tries to comfort her. An elderly gentleman in the pews whispers excitedly to his female companion. The spanking continues while another wedding guest smiles and rocks back and forth to the music with index fingers raised. Gina’s mother faints in her seat. The spanking ends, and Glen and Gina rejoin both hands.]

Glen and Gina: [singing] And that’s how we fell in love. [they kiss each other lightly on the lips as the music ends]

Priest: [returns to stand before the couple] Uh… [clears throat, looks down, opens his mouth, nods and looks down] Okay. Um, Glen and Gina, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. Glen, you may kiss the bride.

[Glen and Gina’s faces approach, but then Glen kisses his own fingertips]

Gina: [rapturously] Oh!

[Gina turns around and bends over, and Glen commences spanking her, shouting out, “Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!” as “Ode to Joy” plays]

Priest: Or you could do that. That’s good, too.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions |

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x