Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 4
October 29th, 2005
A Message From the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) denies his staff’s illegal activities as the White House fills with smoke around him.
Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.
MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s absent from the episode for maternity leave.
Lance Armstrong’s MonologueSummary: Lance Armstrong answers audience questions about steroid use and a potential date for his wedding to Sheryl Crow.
Bio: Lance Armstrong (1971-). Athlete; won the Tour de France cycling race seven years in a row, 1999-2005.
Celebrity IronmanSummary: Despite being a superb cyclist, Lance Armstrong demonstrates a complete inability to run or swim.
Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000Summary: No more annoying sirens while your house burns, thanks to the sounds of the 80’s!
The Indigo GirlsSummary: The Indigo Girls (Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler) enjoy living their musical life high on a mountain with 26 dogs, but don’t welcome criticism from Sheryl Crow.
The O’Reilly FactorSummary: Bill O’Reilly (Darrell Hammond) puts the wrong spin on the day’s major issues, includinf a grand jury investigation and Harriet Miers’ nomination.
Recurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly, Robert Bork.
Sheryl Crow performs “Good Is Good”First Performed: 96b.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: A drunken Harriet Miers (Rachel Dratch) admits that no one in the Bush administration is qualified for their jobs. Tina and Amy challenge one another to a “Weekend Update Bitch Fight News Quiz.” To honor Rosa Parks’ death, Finesse Mitchell stages a sit-in at the Weekend Update desk until a black anchor is assigned to the post. Scott Podsednik realizes that Tina and Amy aren’t the White Sox fans they purport themselves to be. Mrs. Butterworth (Kenan Thompson) is responsible for a syrupy smell in New York.
Bio: Scott Podsednik (1976-). Athlete; outfielder for the Colorado Rockies baseball team; stole 70 bases in 2004, the year’s highest among the major leagues.
A Song For SherylSummary: With a little help from his gardeners (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader), Lance Armstrong composes a song for fiancee Sheryl Crow that shows off his lack of musical talents.
Days of Our LivesSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) has trouble sticking to the script during a cameo appearance on “Days of Our Lives.”
Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.
Carol!Summary: Dylan (Lance Armstrong) is set up on a date with Carol (Horatio Sanz), a cheerful yet skanky overweight woman who changes his life for the better.
Recurring Characters: Carol.
Note: This sketch was cut from dress rehearsal for the episode hosted by Steve Carell.
Sheryl Crow performs “Strong Enough”
Hit ManSummary: Hit man Mr. Franco’s (Horatio Sanz) task of killing Gordon the snitch (Lance Armstrong) is delayed by the incessant laughter of his henchman, Marty (Will Forte).
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
J.J. CasualsSummary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot.
Note: This sketch will finally air on the episode hosted by Jason Lee.
Good Morning TodaySummary: Morning talk show anchors were costumes to celebrate Halloween.
OutsidersSummary: Talk show format for the unpopular crowd.
Steve JobsSummary: Apple’s Steve Jobs (Fred Armisen) introduces smaller and smaller I-Pods that hold more and more songs as they shrink.
Note: This sketch will later air as a Weekend Update commentary on the episode hosted by Eva Longoria.
Steve JobsSummary: Young, immature sea captain (Andy Samberg) loses his cool after crashing his cruise ship into an iceberg.
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