SNL Transcripts: Lance Armstrong: 10/29/05: Carol!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow


Dylan…..Lance Armstrong
Jim’s Wife…..Amy Poehler
Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Carol…..Horatio Sanz

(Opens with a shot of a house outside, dissolves to the living room where Jim, his wife and Dylan are sitting on the living room sofa)

Dylan: So this lady you’re setting me up with, she’s cool, right?

Jim’s Wife: Oh yeah, yeah.

Dylan: I trust you. But you know I’m really picky.

Jim’s Wife: Oh, I know you’ll love her. We used to be roommates. I mean, I haven’t seen her in a couple of years. She was a lot of fun back then.

Jim: Well, she better be fun, ’cause this guy guy hasn’t had a date in a year.

Dylan: Come on, man.

Jim: Oh, bro’ you know I’m just kidding. We’re here for you.

Dylan: I really appreciate this. I really do.

(doorbells rings)

Jim: There she is.

(Jim’s Wife goes to open the door)

Dylan: I’m nervous, but I really appreciate it.

Jim: Don’t be nervous. You’ll be fine. (pats Dylan in the back)

Jim’s Wife: Carol!

(In comes Carol, overweight with beautiful blond hair and a hot pink blouse)

Carol: Hey! How are you, girlfriend! (picks Jim’s Wife off her feet and swings her wildly from left to right 2 or 3 times before putting her down) Wooooohohoho! Oh, that must be Jim. I heard somuch about you! I’m Carol! (hugs Jim)

Jim’s Wife: Carol, Carol, this is our friend, Dylan.

Carol: Oh la la. You smell like Brut. (They shake hands)

Dylan: You smell nice too, Carol.

Carol: It’s aspercream. I blew my back out in the shower trying to loofah my calves.

(cut to jingle)

Jingle: And then there’s Carol!
(Carol turns around with shy smile)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying Who, me?)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky
(Carol dances wildly)
Right on, Carol.
(Carol poses)

Carol: I’M CAROL!!

(Carol! is up in bright colored letters)

(back to scene)

Jim: Why doesn’t everybody have a sit. All right, Carol, can I get you something to drink? (Dylan makes the OK sign approving of Carol)

Carol: Ummm, do you have Dunkin Donuts coffee coladas, or something?

Jim: Um, ah, no I think you can only get those at Dunkin Donuts. We have coffee, I guess.

Carol: Oh, you know what? I’ll just have a slippery nipple.

Jim: Is that some kind of shot? I doubt we have that.

Dylan: That’s too bad because I would love to wrap my mouth around a slippery nipple.

Carol: Oooohhhhhh! (lusty laugh points at her breasts) You might get these two if you play your cards right.

Jim’s Wife: You’re bad, Carol. You’re bad.

Carol: I’m serious, they are really slippery. I don’t even know why. OK, Oh you know what?

Jim: What?

Carol: How about if I get a Dunkin Donuts fruit colada.

Jim: Yeah, you know that’s.. that’s also only available at Dunkin Donuts, Carol. Hey, how about this? How about I tell you what we do have, and you tell me what you think. I have wine.

Carol: No.

Jim: Or a beer?

Carol: Nope.

Jim: I might have some scotch.

Carol: Oh, you know what? I’ll have a scotch. Can you biggie size that?

Jim: I guess I can put it in a pint glass?

Carol: Fantastic! (pulls Jim by the arm) NO ICE! NO ICE!

Jim: Ow! OK, ok.

Jim’s Wife: Let me give you a hand. (They go into the kitchen, leaving Dylan and Carol alone on the sofa)

Dylan: So, Carol, tell me about yourself.

Carol: Um, I work for Verizon.

Dylan: Oh, that’s cool. The phone company?

Carol: Um huh, yeah I stand out in front of Radio Shack in a cell costume and hand out flyers.

Dylan: Right. The one downtown? I swear I’ve seen you before.

Carol: Oh, it’s a really great job. Great benefits.

Dylan: Great benefits? Like what?

Carol: Well, my cell phone costume. (Whispers) I can be totally naked in there. (naughty laugh, Lance almost breaks character)

Dylan: Carol, you’re a glorious creature. You’re magical. (moves closer to Carol) Tell me more about this costume. Is there room for one more, maybe?

Carol: OHHHHHH!!! (Lusty laugh, Jim and his wife come back to the living room, Jim holds a full glass of scotch)

Jim: All right, Carol, here is your scotch. I was gonna have one, too, but you pretty much finished off the whole bottle.

Jim’s Wife: There you go, Carol.

(Carol takes a big gulp)

Dylan: Wow, my kind of girl.

Carol: Ok, oh, hey, no one put a roofie in there…or doooooo. (pokes playfully around Dylan’s head) Ok, I’mgonna go push one out and smoke a joint in the bathroom. (Carol gets up and leaves)

Dylan: Hey, I think I’m gonna go get a little bit of air. I’ll be right back too. (Dylan follows Carol)

Jim’s Wife: Wow. She looks different.

Jim: Yeah, what is the deal? Your friend really let herself go.

Jim’s Wife: No, no I mean she looks a lot better.

(Carol and Dylan come back out looking a little disheveled)

Jim: Wow! That was fast.

Carol: Was it? I didn’t noticed. We were having sex in your toilet.

Jim: Ok, you know what? Maybe we should call it a night, ok.

Carol: Oh yeah, we were gonna go anyway, Dylan knows a little place around the corner where they do serve coffee coladas.

Dylan: Its called Dunkin Donuts. (Throws a dirty look at Jim)

Jim: Oh, great. I know that, thank you.

Dylan: Listen baby, as long as we’re together you will never have to loofah your calves again alone. I promise. (Carol puts her hands in Dylan’s shoulders)

Carol: Ohwww! Hey guys, I’m afraid we have some bad news. You’re gonna have to buy a new toilet!

Jingle: And then there’s Carol!
(Carol turns around with a shy smile)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying Who, me?)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky
(Carol dances wildly)
Right on Carol.
(Carol poses)

Carol: I’M CAROL!!!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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