SNL Transcripts: Lance Armstrong: 10/29/05: A Message From the Vice-President of the United States


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Firefighter…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Vice-Presidential logo ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the Vice-President of the United States – Dick Cheney.

[ dissolve to Dick Cheney seated at his desk, a jack-o-lantern resting to his right ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: I would, uh – I’d like to use this opportunity to address some of the questions surrounding the recent indictment of my top aide, Lewis “Scooter” Libby. Scooter was under investigation for violating the Intelligence Identities Protection Act, and, of course, as you all know by now, he was found to be completely innocent. The special prosecutor, however, did charge Scooter with a few lies here and there. But, come on – a guy named Scooter might stretch the truth just a little bit, right? I mean, to call it lies – come on, he’s Scooter! He’s just joshing! We all josh! I like to josh! Members of the Press, they were joshing, too!

But, keep in mind, whatever the charges, none of this reflects in any way on the White House. We are as strong as ever. Critics have turned to the old adage “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” But I can tell you that, in this case, you would be mistaken. I think it would be wrong to conclude that, just because of the Harriet Miers situation, the hurricane mess, the war, and now the indictment, that this administration is in some kind of trouble.

[ a patch of smoke wifts above his desk ]

It couldn’t be further from the truth.

[ wide shot, as Cheney looks toward smoke pouring up from the door jamb ]

Lookie there – I see a little smoke has made its way into this room. I’m just gonna ignore that. I want to make this absolutely clear – this administration is in complete control.

[ sirens begin to rise from offscreen, as more smoke fills the room ]

If I thought there was even a whiff of crisis within these walls, I would be all over it. I don’t miss much. That’s something I pride myself on. I will say this – this is a perfect example of what I was talking about earlier. I mean, there’s a heck of a lot of smoke in here, but I don’t think anyone would jump to the conclusion that somehow a fire was connected with it.

[ two firefighters walk across the screen from Cheney’s left ]

It simply doesn’t add up. Nor does one lone indictment mean anything more than just that. It’s an isolated case. If it were more, then, yes, of course, we would be looking at a real crisis. But I think I can say, with some confidence, there is no crisis.

[ Firefighter steps behind Cheney ]

Firefighter: Sir, you really do need to evacuate now. [ exits area ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Thank you, but I’m sure it’s nothing. Anyway, as you can see, everything is A-OK at the White House. Happy Halloween, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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