SNL Transcripts: Lance Armstrong: 10/29/05: Days of our Lives


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Days of our Lives

Director…..Seth Meyers
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Arianne Zuker as “Nicole Walker”…..Amy Poehler

[open on sound stage, with director and Arianne Zuker talking indistinctly when Donald Trump enters]

Director: Oh, hi, Mr. Trump! Welcome to “Days of our Lives.” We are so excited that you are doing this cameo for us.

Donald Trump: I’m really, really very jazzed about this. My Emmy award winning performance on the episode of “Days” is really gonna boost your ratings. It’s gonna be the most dramatic, theatrical, high-rated performance in the history of daytime television.

Director: Wow. Okay, well, all I need you to do is stand on your mark and read your lines off those cue cards.

Donald Trump: Here’s how I’m gonna do this. I’m gonna stand on my mark. I’m gonna read my lines off the cards.

Director: Super. Uh, Arianne, we’re ready. [exits stage right]

Arianne Zuker: Okay. Hello, Mr. Trump, it’s a pleasure to be working with you. I’m Arianne.

[she extends her hand to shake, but he just holds his hand out, immoble, and she can’t get a grip on it]

Donald Trump: Wonderful to meet you, Adrenium.

Arianne Zuker: [confused] Okay.

Director: [from offstage] Places! And, action!

[dramatic music plays]

Arianne Zuker: Oh, my God! You’re The Donald!

Donald Trump: That’s right.

Arianne Zuker: What are you doing here in Salem?

Donald Trump: I’m here to monate a lot of doney to the Horton Foundation.

Director: Cut!

Donald Trump: Cut, moving on.

Director: [enters] Yeah, uh, we’re not moving on yet. I think you mixed up a couple letters, there. Instead of saying “donate money,” you said “monate doney.” So we’re just going to do it again, you know, just take your time and, again, just read what’s on the cue cards, okay? [exits]

Donald Trump: I felt a little flat on that take, so I’m gonna spruce this one up with a little more flair, Marlon Brando style. Armenian, you’re doing great.

Arianne Zuker: [curtly] Thanks. It’s Arianne.

Director: [from offstage] Places! Action!

Donald Trump: [with hand raised and thumb pressed to other four fingers] That’s a-right-a. [Arianne shrugs her arms in frustration and turns to face offstage] I’m-a here-a to denote donate-a da money-a donate-a some-a money-a. “The Godfather.” [cobra]

Director: Cut!

Donald Trump: Let’s see Martha Stewart do that!

Director: [enters] Mr. Trump, you can’t really do an Italian accent here, because you’re playing yourself, so it would be very confusing.

Donald Trump: I think it was kind of confusing when I did that accent.

Director: Yeah. So, just read the cards?

Donald Trump: You watch what I do. I’m about to take you on a journey–both of you–of laughter and tears. Not only is it gonna win an Emmy, but the ratings are gonna be yooge!

Director: [flatly] Wow, that sounds great. [exits]

Donald Trump: I’m having a ball, Abrenium. [puts a hand on her shoulder]

Arianne Zuker: [brushing his hand off, angrily] It’s Arianne.

Donald Trump: Places!

Director: Places! I say “places.”

Arianne Zuker: Oh, my God! You’re the Donald!

Donald Trump: You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! I’m the Donald, and I love that our lives are made up of these days. Tear, tear, tear, tear, [traces imaginary tears down his cheek with his finger] and freeze in tableau. [closes eyes and briefly stops moving] And end tableu. La-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la blah-blah-blah. “The Apprentice.” [cobra]

Director: [entering] Cut! Definitely cut! Definitely cut!

Arianne Zuker: No! What was that?!

Director: I don’t know! I don’t know!

Donald Trump: I’ll tell you what that was, Edamame, that was acting. What’s next?

Director: Yeah, um, I think we’re done.

Donald Trump: I really think we need to do a few more scenarios to make this a top notch story arch. Hmmm…mmm-hmmm. [puts pipe in mouth] Elementary. Sherlock Holmes. [cobra]

Arianne Zuker: What? What?

Director: No, yeah, I definitely think we’re good. We should have enough to cobble a scene together.

[dissolve to “Days of our Lives” hourglass logo]

Arianne as Nicole: Oh, my God! You’re the Donald!

Donald Trump: [every syllable is clearly from a different shot, edited together] That’s right. I’m Donald Trump. [puts pipe in mouth]

Arianne as Nicole: What are you doing here in Salem?

Donald Trump: [with the words “donate” and “money” badly dubbed in a different voice] I’m here to donate a lot of money to the Horton Foundation.

[dissolve to “Days of our Lives” hourglass logo]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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