SNL Transcripts: Lance Armstrong: 10/29/05: Hit Man

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 4







05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Hit Man

Mr.Franco…..Horatio Sanz
Marty…..Will Forte
Gordon…..Lance Armstrong

(Opens with Gordon tied up to a chair on a boatyard pier, Mr.Franco holds a 9mm pistol, Marty stands next to him,ships on the background)

Mr. Franco: What do you got to say for yourself, Gordon?

Gordon: I told Mr. Franco, I don´t know nothing about no money!

Mr. Franco: I wish I could believe you. But there´s 20,000 dollars missing and you´re the only other person with the combination to the safe.

Gordon: I swear it wasn´t me!

Mr. Franco: Well, we´re gonna find out.

Marty: Yeah, we´re gonna find out, right boss?

Mr. Franco: Yeah, that´s what I said.

Marty: Yeah, that´s what he said, chump.

Mr. Franco: All right, look you better start talking or I´m gonna fill you with so many holes, you´re gonna look like a golf course!

(high pitch laughter)

Marty: Haaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiihaaaaaa!!!! That´s a good one, boss!

Mr. Franco: Thanks Marty. All right, where was I?

Marty: The money.

Mr. Franco: Right,the money. Now I have 10 witnesses that swear they saw you driving around in a brand new Lexus.

Gordon: I bought that Lexus with my own money, man!

Mr. Franco: Your own money? Gordon you´re so broke you got to rent gum!

(Maniacal laughter)

Marty: Hahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!iiiiiigigig!!!!!!!!!!!iiiiiiaaaaaaaaaighhahahahahaha Oh,boss!Good freaking joke!

Mr. Franco: It wasn´t that funny.

Marty: You´re right, you´re right. Well, it was a little funny. Ha!, ha!, ha!

Mr. Franco: Are you finished?

Marty: Ummm, yes.

Mr. Franco: Now, back to you Gordon.

Gordon: Look, Mr.Franco, I swear this is a big misunderstanding! I´m getting framed here!

Mr. Franco: You don´t start talking you´re going to be framed for your death certificate!

(Marty stifles laugh and lets it go)

Marty: Uhggg…..Haaaaaahahahahahahahahahahiiiiaaaa!!!!

Mr. Franco: Oh God!

Marty: Hahaha!! Framed? I mean why would you frame it? Where you´re gonna hang it? In your coffin?

Mr. Franco: Shut up, shut up!

Marty: Ha!ha!!, its so crazy to think about!

Mr. Franco: Shut up! SHUT UP YOUR MOUTH!

Marty: Ooh…(Marty turns his back a little to Mr. Franco)

Mr. Franco: This is serious. (to Gordon) Now start talking or you´re never going to see your family again.

Gordon: I´m telling you don´t….please! don´t shoot me please! I got 2 children a third one on the way, please don´t shoot me!!

(more crazy hyena laughter)

Marty: Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!iiiigigigihahaha!!!!!!!!

Gordon: I´m sorry.

Mr. Franco: Excus-, excuse me. (turns to Marty) What is your freaking problem!!

Marty: Well, I was thinking about your earlier comment about renting gum. Ha!,ha!,ha! I mean its such an inexpensive item and you know, who would want it back after you´re done? “Excuse me, I´ve finished chewing your gum now, I´m here to return it to you.”

(Mr.Franco shoots Marty at point blank range)

(BANG!)

Marty: Oooooooohhhhhhh!!!! (yells in pain) ooohooooooh, ha!ha! Gum rental! (one more shot BANG!) OOOOhhhhhh!!! Aaaaa!!! I think you shot my funnybone!! Ha,ha,ha! (3 more shots BANG!BANG!BANG!) ooooooooohhhhhoooooaaaaa!!!! One of those was in the heart! (Falls face first dead)

Mr. Franco: Finally a little peace and quiet!

(Stunned look on Gordon´s face)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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