SNL Transcripts: Lance Armstrong: 10/29/05: Hit Man

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Hit Man

Mr.Franco…..Horatio Sanz
Marty…..Will Forte
Gordon…..Lance Armstrong

(Opens with Gordon tied up to a chair on a boatyard pier, Mr.Franco holds a 9mm pistol, Marty stands next to him,ships on the background)

Mr. Franco: What do you got to say for yourself, Gordon?

Gordon: I told Mr. Franco, I don´t know nothing about no money!

Mr. Franco: I wish I could believe you. But there´s 20,000 dollars missing and you´re the only other person with the combination to the safe.

Gordon: I swear it wasn´t me!

Mr. Franco: Well, we´re gonna find out.

Marty: Yeah, we´re gonna find out, right boss?

Mr. Franco: Yeah, that´s what I said.

Marty: Yeah, that´s what he said, chump.

Mr. Franco: All right, look you better start talking or I´m gonna fill you with so many holes, you´re gonna look like a golf course!

(high pitch laughter)

Marty: Haaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiihaaaaaa!!!! That´s a good one, boss!

Mr. Franco: Thanks Marty. All right, where was I?

Marty: The money.

Mr. Franco: Right,the money. Now I have 10 witnesses that swear they saw you driving around in a brand new Lexus.

Gordon: I bought that Lexus with my own money, man!

Mr. Franco: Your own money? Gordon you´re so broke you got to rent gum!

(Maniacal laughter)

Marty: Hahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!iiiiiigigig!!!!!!!!!!!iiiiiiaaaaaaaaaighhahahahahaha Oh,boss!Good freaking joke!

Mr. Franco: It wasn´t that funny.

Marty: You´re right, you´re right. Well, it was a little funny. Ha!, ha!, ha!

Mr. Franco: Are you finished?

Marty: Ummm, yes.

Mr. Franco: Now, back to you Gordon.

Gordon: Look, Mr.Franco, I swear this is a big misunderstanding! I´m getting framed here!

Mr. Franco: You don´t start talking you´re going to be framed for your death certificate!

(Marty stifles laugh and lets it go)

Marty: Uhggg…..Haaaaaahahahahahahahahahahiiiiaaaa!!!!

Mr. Franco: Oh God!

Marty: Hahaha!! Framed? I mean why would you frame it? Where you´re gonna hang it? In your coffin?

Mr. Franco: Shut up, shut up!

Marty: Ha!ha!!, its so crazy to think about!

Mr. Franco: Shut up! SHUT UP YOUR MOUTH!

Marty: Ooh…(Marty turns his back a little to Mr. Franco)

Mr. Franco: This is serious. (to Gordon) Now start talking or you´re never going to see your family again.

Gordon: I´m telling you don´t….please! don´t shoot me please! I got 2 children a third one on the way, please don´t shoot me!!

(more crazy hyena laughter)

Marty: Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!iiiigigigihahaha!!!!!!!!

Gordon: I´m sorry.

Mr. Franco: Excus-, excuse me. (turns to Marty) What is your freaking problem!!

Marty: Well, I was thinking about your earlier comment about renting gum. Ha!,ha!,ha! I mean its such an inexpensive item and you know, who would want it back after you´re done? “Excuse me, I´ve finished chewing your gum now, I´m here to return it to you.”

(Mr.Franco shoots Marty at point blank range)


Marty: Oooooooohhhhhhh!!!! (yells in pain) ooohooooooh, ha!ha! Gum rental! (one more shot BANG!) OOOOhhhhhh!!! Aaaaa!!! I think you shot my funnybone!! Ha,ha,ha! (3 more shots BANG!BANG!BANG!) ooooooooohhhhhoooooaaaaa!!!! One of those was in the heart! (Falls face first dead)

Mr. Franco: Finally a little peace and quiet!

(Stunned look on Gordon´s face)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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