Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 4
Lance Armstrong’s Monologue
French Audience Member…..Fred Armisen
George the Cyclist…..Jason Sudeikis
Other Cyclists…..Will Forte, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg
Terrell…..J.B. Smoove … Terrell
Female Audience Member…..Liz Cackowski
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong: Thank you! What’s up! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It has been AMAZING hosting “Saturday Night Live” this week. I would say it’s been a tiring week, but, come on — I’m Lance Armstrong; I don’t get tired! I’ve been working really hard on the show, trying to do a good job — but just not TOO good. Because the last time I did something TOO good… the French started testing my urine every fifteen minutes.
French Audience Member: [ on exaggerated French accent ] Lance! Lance! Lance! Eet’s great to hae you back in A-merry-ka! I have a few quest-yawns?
Lance Armstrong: [ nodding sheepishly ] Go ahead…
French Audience Member: Have you had fun these week?
Lance Armstrong: It’s been challenging, but it’s been a lot of fun.
French Audience Member: [ smiling ] And a… two-part quest-yawn: Do you have a urine sample, and, if so… can I have it?
Lance Armstrong: No!!
French Audience Member: [ irked ] Eet’s our race! Stop weening eet! J’ACCUSE!!! [ he rushes off ]
Lance Armstrong: Any other questions? [ he looks into the audience ] You?
[ reveal group of cyclists in the audience ]
George: Yeah! Yeah, I got a question: A lot of people think cycling is a team sport — Is that true?
Lance Armstrong: [ laughing ] Yeah! It is a team sport.
George: Uh-huh. So are you hosting alone… or with the whole team?
Lance Armstrong: [ he tries to keep from laughing ] George… we’ve been through this, man.
George: Mmm-hmm. So alone, then?
Lance Armstrong: Yes.
George: Alright. Let’s get out of here, boys!
[ the cyclists stomp their feet and shuffle out of the studio ]
Lance Armstrong: Anybody else?
Terrell: [ standing ] Yeah, yeah, yeah! I got a question! Uh, yeah — Is it true those yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets have made over FIFTY million damn dollars?!
Lance Armstrong: [ laughing ] As a matter of fact, the LiveStrong bracelets have raised over 58 million dollars for cancer research.
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Terrell: Now, how much of that money do you get?!
Lance Armstrong: [ laughing ] All the money goes to cancer research.
Terrell: [ amused ] You didn’t get NOTHING?
Lance Armstrong: Nothing.
Terrell: Damn! [ he takes his seat ]
Lance Armstrong: Alright. One more question.
Female Audience Member: [ raising her hand ] Um — I heard you and Sheryl Crow are engaged.
Lance Armstrong: Yes! We’re definitely getting married.
Female Audience Member: [ smiling ] That’s really great!
Lance Armstrong: She said Yes!
[ Sheryl Crow stands next to the Female Audience Member and leans into her ear ]
Female Audience Member: Um — hold on. [ Sheryl Crow whispers into her ear ] Have you set a date?
Lance Armstrong: No… But I’m sure we will now. We have a great show tonight. As you can tell, Sheryl Crow is here! [ the audience cheers wildly ] So stick around, we’ll be right back!