SNL Transcripts: Lance Armstrong: 10/29/05: Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000

Dad…..Seth Meyers
Mom…..Amy Poehler
Spencer Mason…..Chris Parnell
Officer Peter Venelli…..Fred Armisen
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Husband…..Horatio Sanz
Hip Hop Dude #1…..Finesse Mitchell
Hip Hop Dude #2…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on forward pan of exterior of house, night ]

Announcer: Smoke. When you’re asleep, there’s no way to know what’s in the air —

[ cut to interior, house, pan through bedrooms as smoke fills the air ]

Announcer: — in your home, around your children. So the two questions you need to ask yourself are: Do you value the safety of your family? And —

[ cut to close-up of smoke detector ]

Announcer: — Do you love the 80’s?

[ red light suddenly flashes on the smoke detector, as we hear: ]

Smoke Detector: [ Eddy Grant’s “Electric Avenue” ] “We’re gonna rock on through / Electric Avenue.”

[ the parents wake up in a panic ]

Dad: Honey! The house is on fire! I’ll get the kids! [ rushes out of bed ]

[ cut to the excitable Spencer Mason and the serious-minded Officer Peter Venelli ]

Spencer Mason: Hi, I’m Spencer Mason!

Officer Peter Venelli: And I’m Officer Peter Venelli of the New York Fire Department. There is nothing more terrifying than a fire consuming your home while you sleep.

Spencer Mason: And no music more fun than hits of the 80’s! Finally, you can have both! With the new Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000. You’ll hear all your favorite hits!

[ cut to smoke-filled bedroom ]

Spencer Mason: “Somebody’s Watching Me”, by Rockwell:

[ red light suddenly flashes on the smoke detector, as we hear: ]

Smoke Detector: [ Rockwell’s “Somebody’s Watching Me” ] “I got a feeling / somebody’s watching me.”

[ the man wake up in a panic ]

Man: Honey, wake up!

[ cut to another smoke-filled bedroom ]

Spencer Mason: “Gloria”, by Laura Branigan:

[ red light suddenly flashes on the smoke detector, as we hear: ]

Smoke Detector: [ Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” ] “Gloria! Gloria! / I think they got your number”

[ the Wife wakes up casually, as the Husband panics ]

Wife: Ooh.. I love this song..

Husband: We gotta get out of the house! The house is on fire! [ he makes a mad dash for the door ]

[ cut back to Spencer Mason and Officer Peter Venelli ]

Spencer Mason: It’s never good when your house is on fire – so why not make it a little more fun!

Officer Peter Venelli: Although, I stress – you have 15, 20 seconds, tops, to get out of the house. No matter how much you love these songs, you need to keep moving.

Spencer Mason: Hey, with songs like these, you won’t be able to stop moving!

[ a list of songs scrolls up a separate screen, as “Karma Chameleon” plays ]

“Karma Chameleon.”
“Rock The Casbah.”
“99 Luftballoons.”
And more!

Officer Peter Venelli: Make sure to get a smoke detector for your house.

Spencer Mason: And make sure to turn it up!

[ cut to product ]

Announcer: Totally Rad Fire Alarm 3000 isa available wherever you shop.

[ cut to two hip hop dudes ]

Hip Hop Dude #1: And be sure to pick up the new Yo! Fire Alarm Raps. ‘Cause, if you hear this:

[ smoke detector plays a hip hop beat ]

Hip Hop Dude #2: Bust a move outta yo house!

[ the two hip hop dudes bust a few moves as the ad fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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