SNL Transcripts: Lance Armstrong: 10/29/05: Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000

Dad…..Seth Meyers
Mom…..Amy Poehler
Spencer Mason…..Chris Parnell
Officer Peter Venelli…..Fred Armisen
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Husband…..Horatio Sanz
Hip Hop Dude #1…..Finesse Mitchell
Hip Hop Dude #2…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on forward pan of exterior of house, night ]

Announcer: Smoke. When you’re asleep, there’s no way to know what’s in the air —

[ cut to interior, house, pan through bedrooms as smoke fills the air ]

Announcer: — in your home, around your children. So the two questions you need to ask yourself are: Do you value the safety of your family? And —

[ cut to close-up of smoke detector ]

Announcer: — Do you love the 80’s?

[ red light suddenly flashes on the smoke detector, as we hear: ]

Smoke Detector: [ Eddy Grant’s “Electric Avenue” ] “We’re gonna rock on through / Electric Avenue.”

[ the parents wake up in a panic ]

Dad: Honey! The house is on fire! I’ll get the kids! [ rushes out of bed ]

[ cut to the excitable Spencer Mason and the serious-minded Officer Peter Venelli ]

Spencer Mason: Hi, I’m Spencer Mason!

Officer Peter Venelli: And I’m Officer Peter Venelli of the New York Fire Department. There is nothing more terrifying than a fire consuming your home while you sleep.

Spencer Mason: And no music more fun than hits of the 80’s! Finally, you can have both! With the new Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000. You’ll hear all your favorite hits!

[ cut to smoke-filled bedroom ]

Spencer Mason: “Somebody’s Watching Me”, by Rockwell:

[ red light suddenly flashes on the smoke detector, as we hear: ]

Smoke Detector: [ Rockwell’s “Somebody’s Watching Me” ] “I got a feeling / somebody’s watching me.”

[ the man wake up in a panic ]

Man: Honey, wake up!

[ cut to another smoke-filled bedroom ]

Spencer Mason: “Gloria”, by Laura Branigan:

[ red light suddenly flashes on the smoke detector, as we hear: ]

Smoke Detector: [ Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” ] “Gloria! Gloria! / I think they got your number”

[ the Wife wakes up casually, as the Husband panics ]

Wife: Ooh.. I love this song..

Husband: We gotta get out of the house! The house is on fire! [ he makes a mad dash for the door ]

[ cut back to Spencer Mason and Officer Peter Venelli ]

Spencer Mason: It’s never good when your house is on fire – so why not make it a little more fun!

Officer Peter Venelli: Although, I stress – you have 15, 20 seconds, tops, to get out of the house. No matter how much you love these songs, you need to keep moving.

Spencer Mason: Hey, with songs like these, you won’t be able to stop moving!

[ a list of songs scrolls up a separate screen, as “Karma Chameleon” plays ]

“Karma Chameleon.”
“Rock The Casbah.”
“99 Luftballoons.”
And more!

Officer Peter Venelli: Make sure to get a smoke detector for your house.

Spencer Mason: And make sure to turn it up!

[ cut to product ]

Announcer: Totally Rad Fire Alarm 3000 isa available wherever you shop.

[ cut to two hip hop dudes ]

Hip Hop Dude #1: And be sure to pick up the new Yo! Fire Alarm Raps. ‘Cause, if you hear this:

[ smoke detector plays a hip hop beat ]

Hip Hop Dude #2: Bust a move outta yo house!

[ the two hip hop dudes bust a few moves as the ad fades ]

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